grumpyf1

Last Friday, the 4th of May, marked a significant anniversary for me. As my full page, 305th, newspaper outing was published in Cumbria's The Mail and News and Star, it was six years exactly since my first "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail, as it was back then. Amazing. I've mentioned before about the journey to the first column, through the paper's Big Blogger contest, and how I very nearly packed it in at the start of this year, only to be offered the full page. I said I'd review how it was going after a few months, but a stressful house move throughout this period means my perspective on all that is somewhat skewed - it's hard to make the time to write, and even to research or concentrate, when your life is all about legal paperwork, bewilderment, boxes and bubblewrap. To add to the confusion, I recently discovered that my original contact at the paper has left. So far, no-one has been in touch about who I no...

Hi. Did you miss me? To say it's been a busy few weeks would be a major understatement. I've packed for holiday, packed for moving house, been on holiday, came back to sign paperwork, went back to holiday, came home to move house, went back on holiday, and came home to the new house. Currently unpacking, and trying to figure out how everything works (e.g. Q: Why isn't the new washing machine pumping out the water?! A: Whoever fitted the waste water hose under the sink omitted to take the plastic bung out first...) Anyway - here I am! I'll post this week's column(s) over the next few days - yes, I also wrote that whilst on holiday -  but thought I'd share a couple of milestones, even if it seems no-one else is particularly bothered. The Russia/Horse in a disco/Cream-tea fury outing of the 9th of March was my 300th published newspaper selection. From the "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column of 500 words in the North West Evening Mail, through ...

I mentioned earlier today that is was milestones time... Well, here you go! Just over 5 years ago (on the 6th of April, 2012) the article above appeared in the North West Evening Mail, as me and Darren McSweeney battled to become the paper's new columnist. Competing in the Big Blogger competition, we'd seen off the competition by garnering the two highest number of visits to our posts on their website, the field being whittled down each week. And exactly 5 years ago this very day... Darren won. As the photoshopped picture of us in a stare-off indicates, we have actually never met, and there was no animosity between us. Darren wrote great articles tackling local issues, whilst I... well, you've probably figured that out by now. One of the paper's snappers came and took some pics of me at work to create the article, one of which is still used in the header image for my column in the print edition of the paper each week. I was contacted shortly after my crushi...

3 years ago this very week, the winner of the North West Evening Mail’s “Big Blogger” contest was announced, and I’m delighted to say... it wasn’t me! I received a Direct Message on Twitter a couple of weeks ago that startled me greatly. It’s OK though – it turns out it was a mistake and @BigTrish66 isn’t going to scratch my eyes out for looking at her boyfriend. I then received an even more startling message than the first, from fellow columnist Darren McSweeney, giving me the heads-up that he was about to announce his retirement from columnising (or whatever the official word is for what we do each week) for this fine paper. Swirling back through the mists of time to the 9th of April 2012, it’s possible to make out two handsome and highly intelligent bloggeristas, who had successfully seen off a large field of competitors in the equivalent of a weekly blogging smack-down, to reach the head to head final. (In case you were wondering, I’m referring to me and Darren. Obviously....

Incredible. At some point today, this blog passed the 20,000 page views mark. What's even more startling is that, whilst it took 27 months to reach 10,000, it's only taken a further 4 to get to 20,000. And I still have absolutely no idea why. Seemingly, the post most viewed is the 'Fantasy Formula 1: the other stuff' from the Spanish GP last year which, as far as I can tell, is only mildly interesting at best. Of the 20,000 views, nearly 12,000 are from the USA, and about 4500 from the UK. I've no idea why that might be either, apart from the fact that America is jolly big, and has a lot of people in it. From my first post on the 8th of December 2009, I notice that how I blog has changed - from short, observational pieces, to longer article-length items, largely brought on by my entry in the North West Evening Mail's 'Big Blogger' competition, and subsequent offer of a newspaper column (even though I only came second). Who knows what the futu...

Well, I didn’t quite make it, and have come an honourable second in the North West Evening Mail’s Big Blogger competition. There was an article in the paper yesterday (the online version is here http://www.nwemail.co.uk/news/evening-mail-s-new-columnist-looks-forward-to-role-1.943128?referrerPath=news ) and I had another interview, where they tried to goad me into saying me and the winner didn’t like each other. He likes ELO, so is therefore definitely a Good Bloke. On a decidedly positive note, whilst I didn’t win a laptop, it seems they liked me enough (or are particularly desperate) for me to be offered a weekly column in the paper too. I know! Me. Writing stuff. In a newspaper. This will end badly or, at the very least, in a custodial sentence. I’ve got to have a chat with them first to find out what they want – if it’s more of the same stuff, then great; I’m full of that! If they want an in-depth analysis of Barrow AFC’s matches, then I might have to decline. ...

This is it then. We find out tomorrow who the Biggest Bloggerist is, and who gets to write a newspaper column in the North West Evening Mail for the rest of the year. Should I be fortunate enough to win, I have a few things/people than annoy me, so I should be able to keep going OK. Possibly for a couple of decades, if necessary. I get annoyed quite a lot. You probably noticed. It’s been a strange week. I’ve had two interviews, both of which involved me having absolutely no idea what to say to relatively simple questions. For example “Why do you want to win?” My answer went something like “Ooo. Ahm.... good question.. (long pause)... erm... That IS a good question.... er... well... (interminably long pause, interspersed with noises that sound like a brain on overrun) it’d be nice, wouldn’t it?” For all the other questions, I believe the technical term for my responses would definitely include the words ‘babbling’ and ‘half-wit’, along with a tick in the box that has “Poss...

I suffer like Samantha Brick does. Hardly a day goes by without someone saying to me “let me get you a cup of tea, you’re gorgeous”, me saying “Ta!” and them then saying “I wasn’t talking to you. And what are you doing in my kitchen anyway?”. I can’t help being this stunning – you’ve seen the photo. I can wear two hats and look virile at the same time. Whilst wearing a scarf. That’s not an easy look to pull off. Just the other day whilst in 1st class* on a flight** to America*** a beautiful woman**** offered me champagne***** just because “you look adorable”****** *2nd class **train ***Manchester ****6 year old kid ***** a jelly baby ******”you’re funny looking” Whilst I’m no Brad Pitt, I’m average height, a bit portly, balding, the bits that aren’t balding are greying, my ears are a bit big and my grin in wonky. Totally irresistible in other words. Yup – not Brad Pitt. More Arm Pit. Because of my stunning appearance, I have regularly been overlooked by other ...

Our washing machine smelt of cabbages, so I called United Utilities. Now they’re going to dig up all of Arnside for the rest of the year. Drama queens. I had begun to wonder if Mrs G was using our ancient washing machine to clean vegetables, but she denied it when questioned. After dismantling the vintage washer, which features a melted powder drawer and a plastic trim bit that falls off if you breathe too hard near it (and upsetting a very well-established spider community in the process), without finding a solution to the whiff, I moved on. With some bonus screws. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just don’t stand directly in front. Or in the same postcode, to be on the safe side. The kitchen sink u-bend was scary, but also untroubled by blockages. Hmmmmm. And then the loo started gurgling. Fearing a dreadful aeroplane/vacuum incident, the Mrs decreed that it was definitely a blockage. After spending an hour scraping the cement stuff out from around the edge of the drain cover in our ...

By the Almighty Goddess Sonia (Better The Devil You Know) – I’m in the ‘Blog Off’! I am therefore, once and for all, completely in your hands. This is a worry, but I do have a catering-sized bottle of that hand sanitizer stuff, and a box of baby wipes. It’s surprising how quickly a chap with two hats and snow visible through a window gets out of date, isn’t it? To be fair though, I made the quite logical assumption that I’d be out of this competition by February at the latest, but no! Here we are in April, and it’s down to the last two. And one of them, scarily, is me. Still, this is Cumbria, so additional snowfall isn’t out of the question. I could look vaguely relevant again as fast as you can say “Ooo – that cloud looks dark, doesn’t it?”. Best wishes to my fellow departed Big Bloggerers, a couple of whom I now have the pleasure of knowing through twitter also, and good luck to Darren. Having chatted via That Twitter Thing, it seems we have quite a lot in common, not least ...

If you were wondering how you can tell the precise moment when you finally become officially middle aged, I can now reveal all. I just became chairman of our village’s Allotment Association. Please send my pipe and slippers immediately. After languishing on a waiting list that was even slower that the “Please hold – all our operators are busy” call waiting system of British Gas, we finally managed to get ourselves an allotment late in 2010. Our initial excitement was tempered somewhat when we went to the site, found the sign for our plot and thought it had been replaced by a reasonably large rainforest. Unfortunately, ill health meant Mrs. G wasn’t able to help as much through the winter as she would have liked (or that’s what she said, anyway) so I spent many a damp hour up there hopelessly poking frozen or waterlogged ground with a fork, and trying to remember my bearings and which direction the sun was in, so I could find my way out afterwards. In the early spring, I had...

Back in the deep, darkest swirling mists of time, a whole three years ago, I used to work at Kirkstone Quarries. I didn’t work for them though. I was in one of their buildings. But not working. Well, I was working, but not for them. And now they’ve gone bust. It wasn’t me, honest. Confused yet? Yeah – me too. Although that is a fairly common occurrence if you’re me. Which you’re not. At least, I’m pretty sure about that. Reasonably sure. Sure-ish. Anyway, digression has once again spread it’s diversionary pall over the second paragraph, so I’ll try and drag this back on track. Kirkstone Quarries, based in Skelwith Bridge near Ambleside, have gone into Receivership, and all the staff there have been made redundant. I’m saddened by this, as I did indeed work in the upper floor of one of their buildings, whist masquerading as a warehouse manager. I know – me, in charge of a warehouse! An upstairs warehouse – it has curly stairs too. Moving furniture was slightly tricky. Whe...

It seems the Windermere Canada Geese cull is set to go ahead, despite the best efforts of a Rock God. Queen’s Brian May was also involved, but I am, of course, referring to Bill Oddie. It seems that even the rampant genius of the man that wrote “Funky Gibbon” can’t prevent it now... Apparently, Canada Geese have become a bit of a problem for Windermere. I did recently see a gaggle of them mug an old lady and pinch her trolley thingy with wheels, before joyriding down the hill into Bowness, so clearly they are a bit of a menace. It seems they’ve REALLY upset some people though, who have now got a group together whose sole function is to get angry about Canada Geese. That sounds a lot like my “Fearne Cotton Killed Top Of The Pops And I’m Still Quite Angry About It” Society, but the less said about that the better. The group is made up of the Lake District National Park Authority and a variety of Farmers, Land-owners are (assumingly) people who got a bit frightened of a Goose w...

Almost as quickly as you can say “If I see Vettel waving that damn finger again I’m going to break it off and shove it up his exhaust flange” it’s nearly time for another year of Formula 1. Who punched the new cars in the face and broke their noses, eh? In case you’re one of those footballerists, or can’t see the point of 24 cars going round and round very quickly, then permit me to make a feeble attempt to convert you. Whilst I may worship at the temple of speed, I know a lot of you can’t understand what the fuss is all about. 24 overpaid, ridiculously young blokes driving very quickly in cars – you could do that, right? You’re pretty handy round the Asda car park on a Saturday morning, so how hard can it be? Quite hard actually. Imagine doing an extreme workout, whilst sitting in a sauna, wearing a duvet. Don’t try it - It’s not nice and it makes you very unpopular with other sauna users. Especially if you’re in the ladies only-one. Apparently, I’m not welcome any more. ...

“This is the United Nations Of Europe (but not Greece) News at 10. An old laptop, found buried in an area of Eng-er-land, known at Cumbrya, has revealed a chilling glimpse back in time to the solar storm disaster of 2012. Now here’s Tracy with the weather for the weekend!” Transcription of an audio file discovered on a battered laptop, surrounded by empty bits of brightly coloured foil with ancient text imprinted on it, saying “Egg” and “Creme” and crushed waxed-cardboard cups, which scientists have discovered contained traces of the illegal stimulant ‘Coffee’. Entry 1: March 8th 2012, 8.45pm Hello. My name is Jenwis Hamilbutton. No, hang on... it’s Peter. Peter Grenville. I’m so hungry and confused! Something terrible has happened. We’ve been hit by a catastrophic storm. Not a regular one (we’re used to those – this is Cumbria after all), but one caused by a coronal mass ejection from the Sun. Basically, the sun sneezed, and sent a big solar flare towards earth. I always thou...

This might be a bit depressing. I therefore want you to imagine a cute puppy wagging it’s little tail and licking your nose. Are you doing that? Good. I’m here today to talk about death. Keep thinking puppy and it’ll be fine... When I was young, many, many, MANY years ago, everything seemed endless. It was hard to imagine getting older, and if I ever thought about it, it usually involved me driving around in a very expensive car, telling my many very attractive and jolly wonderful friends just how I’d made my first million and after that, I’d pop off to Monaco. Or bob around in my spaceship. With Sheena Easton. Whilst being a meteorologist. Yes, I did have an odd childhood. The reality has been a tad disappointing. Rather than losing at the roulette wheel in Monaco, I find myself looking at a tired bloke in the mirror losing his hair, whilst wondering why my hip hurts but I’m not ‘hip’, and how is it possible to have indigestion yet again? Getting old sucks. Yes, there is wisd...

BBC4 are showing old episodes of Top Of The Pops from 1977. Ah, 1977. Queen, ELO, Mike Oldfield, Abba... you name it, everything musical in ’77 was awesomely cool, generally brilliant and undeniably ace. Hang on... I’ve never heard of this lot. Why have those girls got hardly any clothes on? DAVID SOUL?!! Aaaaahg! In a stunningly clever televisual programme planning masterclass, BBC4 recently followed up their hugely chronological (and cheap) wander through TOTP 1976, by kicking off with 77. In January! Clever, that – if they show 1 a week, they’ll just have enough to last the year. I should get into TV – that’s clearly where the clever people are. And presumably some spare cash, as they didn’t have to pay anything - except maybe for a hoover to get the dust off the VT boxes. If, like me, you are hugely old, and can remember this time (I was, of course, in nappies, but remember it all like it was yesterday. I was 10 at the time, so it was a touch awkward at school), you’ll be fon...

I’ve decided that it’s about time for another law. In my (admittedly self-appointed) position of 'Most Marvelous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome' it is my right, after all. So, with immediate effect, I’m banning certain vehicles from the roads during peak times. Or to be more specific, times when I’m on the road. You know only too well what it’s like, don’t you? Within 5 minutes of setting off for work, you get caught behind that elderly chap in the surprisingly-new-looking Vauxhall Corsa with a registration plate from before this century, doing 15mph under the speed limit. And every time you even think about pulling out to overtake, something comes the other way. I’ve taken to naming people on the roads I regularly come across and find annoying. Take ‘Dog Man’ for instance. I sometimes catch him on my way out of Arnside, and want to run him off the road before Milnthorpe. He gets his name from the stick...

Hello. I’m vaguely famous, and I’m here today to tell you about a terrible problem, and to ask for your help. There are some people in the barren lowlands of the South of England who, due to a terrible drought, are unable to keep their swimming pools full, or water their tennis court every day. They need YOUR help... In an unprecedented piece of stating the bleeping obvious, it has been announced that a lot of the South and East of England has worryingly low water reserves, due to the fact that it hasn’t rained much. And for quite a long time. This is shocking news indeed. As you may have gathered, I’m not a native Cumbrianer, so news that places I wandered round in my top hat and tails, whilst shouting at foreigners (and the Welsh), are suffering so terribly cuts to my very soul. Although, after that ill-advised pact with the devil for good tickets to a Sonia gig, I’m not entirely clear as to who is currently feeling the pain. Actually, it is possible to tell I’m not from r...

Apparently, I’m entirely stupid and have no ability to imagine a situation, unless it’s shown to me. At least that’s what I assume from watching TV news. It’s possibly true anyway, but I don’t like to think about that kind of thing, so my brain is now showing me an image of two kittens playing together. Ahhhhh. Hee Hee! Sweet! I like BBC News 24 a lot. Especially the music you get once an hour, with that countdown clock thingy in the corner. Beep! (Ba dum dum) Beep! (Bad um dum) Beep... Well, you get the idea. Unfortunately, even the BBC has succumbed to the concept that all TV news now has to come live from where whatever it is they’re talking about is happening. Even if nothing is happening. And it often isn’t. An airport is closed because of snow. You know, I think I might be able to imagine what that might look like.... no planes flying, right? Some snow on the ground. Yup... got it. So why does a reporter need to be outside the front door of the terminal, in the snow, to m...