Get off my road!

I’ve decided that it’s about time for another law.

In my (admittedly self-appointed) position of 'Most Marvelous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome' it is my right, after all. So, with immediate effect, I’m banning certain vehicles from the roads during peak times. Or to be more specific, times when I’m on the road.

You know only too well what it’s like, don’t you? Within 5 minutes of setting off for work, you get caught behind that elderly chap in the surprisingly-new-looking Vauxhall Corsa with a registration plate from before this century, doing 15mph under the speed limit. And every time you even think about pulling out to overtake, something comes the other way.

I’ve taken to naming people on the roads I regularly come across and find annoying. Take ‘Dog Man’ for instance. I sometimes catch him on my way out of Arnside, and want to run him off the road before Milnthorpe. He gets his name from the stick-on outline of a sausage dog on the boot of his car. I know it quite well – I’m often stuck behind him all the way through to the A590.

Well, my new law involves anyone falling into certain categories to be banned from the road between 0800-0900 and 1700-1800.

Take a deep breath....

Dog Man: It might be unfair to pick on one car driver to start with, but this chap goes so annoyingly slowly, even snails stop to applaud his tardiness.

JCBs: This category includes anything with stupidly big wheels, and predominantly yellow. Breaking the ban brings a harsh penalty anyway (I’m coming to that, in case you were wondering), but failing to pull in to let cars by until half of Cumbria is in a queue behind you will gain you extra punishment.

Farm vehicles: Tractors? Yup. Other things that look like they just got evicted from Alien VS Predator for being to scary? Yes indeed. Things with ancient trailers on the back that look like they might fall apart as soon as they even sense a corner? Oh, yes. I think you get the idea (and probably the windscreen full of bits of straw, or overwhelming whiff of slurry.)

Mopeds: You’re NEVER going to get over 30mph, are you? Not even downhill, with a tailwind, and leaning really low over the handlebars to improve your aerodynamics. You look like a berk when you do that, by the way. You’re banned.

Very old Transit vans: When your vehicle has a greater percentage of rust than white paint, it’s pretty likely your engine is shot too. Apart from enveloping me in an asphyxiating cloud of fumes, you’re going too damn slow.

The elderly: Well, someone had to say it.

Please don’t mistake this for some kind of thinly-suppressed road rage. I actually obey speed limits (which some people seem to find oddly annoying), but the hours, gallons of fuel, clouds of Co2, and frayed tempers caused by getting stuck behind this lot justify drastic action.

Penalty – If you’re caught (which probably shouldn’t prove too tricky, assuming the Police can find 3rd gear) is being made to dress like Jedward. A simple, but devastatingly effective penalty. Assuming you’re allowed to live by the hoards of right-minded people who want to lynch the annoying little gits.

Did I mention I’ve got a new book about anger management? I’m going to keep it in the car and bang my head repeatedly on it next time I get stuck behind Dog Man.

(This could very well be ‘it’. I may get lobbed out of Big Blogger this Monday, so I’d just like say thanks for reading, have a wonderful life, be kind to small fluffy animals and always remember to wash behind your ears. TT...FN?)

This blog post appeared yesterday as an entry in the North West Evening Mail's "Big Blogger" competition. Do me a favour - click on this link to view it on their website, please? Thanks to your clicks, I've made it through to the last 9. Another person gets eliminated on Monday... Eep!

(Listening to a 24 part Argentinian radio show about the history of ELO. Each programme is an hour long. I don't speak the lingo. Still, the tunes are fab!)