Game over - Click here to continue

This is it then. We find out tomorrow who the Biggest Bloggerist is, and who gets to write a newspaper column in the North West Evening Mail for the rest of the year.

Should I be fortunate enough to win, I have a few things/people than annoy me, so I should be able to keep going OK. Possibly for a couple of decades, if necessary. I get annoyed quite a lot. You probably noticed.

It’s been a strange week. I’ve had two interviews, both of which involved me having absolutely no idea what to say to relatively simple questions. For example “Why do you want to win?”

My answer went something like “Ooo. Ahm.... good question.. (long pause)... erm... That IS a good question.... er... well... (interminably long pause, interspersed with noises that sound like a brain on overrun) it’d be nice, wouldn’t it?”

For all the other questions, I believe the technical term for my responses would definitely include the words ‘babbling’ and ‘half-wit’, along with a tick in the box that has “Possible danger to society if left unattended” next to it, and a recommendation about making sure that the crayons aren’t sharp.

Then there was the photo-shoot. As myself and Darren haven’t actually crossed paths, I was required to stand, in profile, and stare at an imaginary opponent. Tricky. Then I was asked to convey, by means of my facial expression, my encouragement for readers to visit my blog so that I win. I haven’t seen it yet, but I suspect that one will look remarkably like I’m contending with a nasty attack of wind. And all this whilst colleagues looked on from a nearby window and wondered why on earth that scruffy bloke from the other end of the office was being “papped” like Madonna leaving a Botox clinic.

My image has appeared in a news article both online and in print. Even now, parents are using it to warn their kids about the dangers of not eating your greens, or possibly pinned to the wall opposite little one’s bedroom doors, to stop them getting up in the night and sneaking off for some secret lemonade drinking. Or whatever it is kids do in the middle of the night these days. Hack into the Pentagon, or maybe a spot of cyber-bullying.

The final count-up of clicks takes place tomorrow, and we’ll find out if me or Darren has won. He’s been a very worthy competitor, and if he wins, I’ll enjoy continuing to read his excellent posts, as I’m sure you will too.

This has been quite an experience for me – I didn’t know if I could write whole articles on anything other than Formula 1, or if anyone would actually find them amusing, other than my scrumptious other half, Jane. And I think she just laughs sometimes to get me out of the way so I stop interrupting another CSI marathon. I hope it’s not over, but if it is, you can find me at http://grumpyf1.blogspot.co.uk/ where I’m still pretending to be Jenwis Hamilbutton, and have actually figured out how to put pictures in things.

This whole experience has me pondering the idea of writing a book. At the very least, it would be good to shove under the leg of that wonky table in the living room. We’ll see – being intrinsically lazy and cowardly, that would be a real challenge...

If I win, then may your chosen deity have mercy on your soul. Me? Let loose with an actual newspaper column? Just think of the damage I could do! Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHA....

Did I say damage? I meant good. Obviously. *cough*
Respectful air kisses/blokey high-fives (delete as appropriate)

(A really quite scared now) Peter.

(This post first appeared on The North West Evening Mail's website on Monday....)

(Tunes tonight courtesy of Fleetwood Mac's "Greatest Hits".)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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