Game over - Click here to continue

This is it then. We find out tomorrow who the Biggest Bloggerist is, and who gets to write a newspaper column in the North West Evening Mail for the rest of the year.

Should I be fortunate enough to win, I have a few things/people than annoy me, so I should be able to keep going OK. Possibly for a couple of decades, if necessary. I get annoyed quite a lot. You probably noticed.

It’s been a strange week. I’ve had two interviews, both of which involved me having absolutely no idea what to say to relatively simple questions. For example “Why do you want to win?”

My answer went something like “Ooo. Ahm.... good question.. (long pause)... erm... That IS a good question.... er... well... (interminably long pause, interspersed with noises that sound like a brain on overrun) it’d be nice, wouldn’t it?”

For all the other questions, I believe the technical term for my responses would definitely include the words ‘babbling’ and ‘half-wit’, along with a tick in the box that has “Possible danger to society if left unattended” next to it, and a recommendation about making sure that the crayons aren’t sharp.

Then there was the photo-shoot. As myself and Darren haven’t actually crossed paths, I was required to stand, in profile, and stare at an imaginary opponent. Tricky. Then I was asked to convey, by means of my facial expression, my encouragement for readers to visit my blog so that I win. I haven’t seen it yet, but I suspect that one will look remarkably like I’m contending with a nasty attack of wind. And all this whilst colleagues looked on from a nearby window and wondered why on earth that scruffy bloke from the other end of the office was being “papped” like Madonna leaving a Botox clinic.

My image has appeared in a news article both online and in print. Even now, parents are using it to warn their kids about the dangers of not eating your greens, or possibly pinned to the wall opposite little one’s bedroom doors, to stop them getting up in the night and sneaking off for some secret lemonade drinking. Or whatever it is kids do in the middle of the night these days. Hack into the Pentagon, or maybe a spot of cyber-bullying.

The final count-up of clicks takes place tomorrow, and we’ll find out if me or Darren has won. He’s been a very worthy competitor, and if he wins, I’ll enjoy continuing to read his excellent posts, as I’m sure you will too.

This has been quite an experience for me – I didn’t know if I could write whole articles on anything other than Formula 1, or if anyone would actually find them amusing, other than my scrumptious other half, Jane. And I think she just laughs sometimes to get me out of the way so I stop interrupting another CSI marathon. I hope it’s not over, but if it is, you can find me at http://grumpyf1.blogspot.co.uk/ where I’m still pretending to be Jenwis Hamilbutton, and have actually figured out how to put pictures in things.

This whole experience has me pondering the idea of writing a book. At the very least, it would be good to shove under the leg of that wonky table in the living room. We’ll see – being intrinsically lazy and cowardly, that would be a real challenge...

If I win, then may your chosen deity have mercy on your soul. Me? Let loose with an actual newspaper column? Just think of the damage I could do! Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHA....

Did I say damage? I meant good. Obviously. *cough*
Respectful air kisses/blokey high-fives (delete as appropriate)

(A really quite scared now) Peter.

(This post first appeared on The North West Evening Mail's website on Monday....)

(Tunes tonight courtesy of Fleetwood Mac's "Greatest Hits".)

The Schaf Shuffle

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We are gathered here in this... (looks round a bit) um... blog, to mourn the passing of Jenwis Hamilbutton. His life may have been short and largely irrelevant, but he touched the lives of so many people that... sorry? Oh. Apparently that was someone else... Jenwis Hamilbutton rose briefly to fame on twitter during 2010, when he was retweeted by BBC F1 presenter Jake Humphrey, having criticised his shirt. A similarly unspectacular claim to fame occurred when a tweet he crafted at 1am on a windy night appeared in F1 Racing magazine. An amalgam of bits of Formula 1 drivers Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button (mostly the hopeless bits), he came into existence via 3 pints of cider, a Creme Egg and the Electric Light Orchestra’s mournful 1986 farewell album “Balance Of Power”, played loudly over headphones. In his short existence, he was followed on twitter by Paul Hardcastle of “19” fame, and a bunch of slightly odd but jolly nice people, whom he was never entirely sure actually exist...

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