grumpyf1

This is an intervention - step away from the cheese. I hope you’ve had a wonderful festive season so far? Just a few days to go until the Doctor Who special. Oh, and the New Year. The days are getting longer, and we’ll soon be done with a year dominated by Brexit. 2019 will be better, right? Right? Please say yes. I thought I’d finish the year with a romp through my notebook, allowing me to serve up a few choice items that got me thinking over the last 12 months, but didn’t make it into full columns. A kind of Bubble & Squeak of randomness. Mmm... Has anyone ever wondered what time-travellers would think if they jumped forward 30 years to today? Considering the number of smokers back then, it would be easy to assume that cigarettes had now been replaced by people carrying small bags of dog poo around. 2018 featured an awful lot of meals with pea shoots on them, for no discernible reason. I’ve even had a fry-up with them on. Is there a committee that decides what this year...

Missing you... Disaster – we forgot to buy an advent calendar. No teensy, hard to get at, unidentifiable shaped chocolate treats hidden behind cardboard doors and impenetrable foil for me this year. Still, there’s plenty of time left to consume my own body-weight in mince pies, cheese and pigs in blankets before the inevitable guilt (and medically necessary dieting) kicks in as 2019 shows up excitedly just when I’ve started getting used to 2018. So, instead of wasting a shed-load of packaging to get at the equivalent of a very small chocolate bar, here are my environmentally-friendly Adventness Delights for you – a treat for every remaining day as we count down to the online sales. (And Christmas.) 18: Jona Lewie successfully Stops The Cavalry. 17: You win £50. 16: The kids are well-behaved. 15: The algorithm that shoves ads into your social media timeline fails for the day. 14: Unlimited Chocolate Hob-Nobs. 13: Calorie-free cheese that still tastes fantastic hits...

The true meaning of (John Lewis at) Christmas Ho Ho Ho! Merry JL Day! There may still be over five weeks until Christmas, but that doesn’t matter when there’s stuff to sell. Lest we forget, John Lewis & Partners’ eagerly-awaited Christmas advert was by no means the first from a major retailer either. With years of classic ads behind them, including a hare waking up a hibernating bear, a penguin called Monty, trampolining wildlife and an old bloke on the moon, 2018’s outing was always going to have a hard time matching it’s predecessors. It even had to contend with the re-branding Bohemian Rhapsody-school-play advert from just a few weeks ago, which was widely applauded. So, what did we get? Elton John. In reverse. Featuring the Prima Donna’s life in “Your Song” moments, from him sitting at his piano in the present day, through his assorted outrageous looks, and back to him receiving the same piano as a child. Wow. Elt’s folks were minted then. A piano? I used to think g...

It's very unlikely that any of this lot just killed a man... Do not adjust your set. It is NOT Christmas yet. It’s easy to see why you might be confused, though. It seems to have become an eagerly anticipated signifier that it’s OK to start the festivities when the John Lewis advert arrives. So when one suddenly appeared on Tuesday during that other institution, The Great British Bake Off, it’s easy to see why some of us might have had a sudden hankering for eggnog and mince pies. Although the lengthy spot, featuring children performing Bohemian Rhapsody as the centrepiece of the world’s most elaborate school play, had no branding until the very end, it was pretty obviously from the same people who give us the heartstring-tugging Xmas epics. But this one had a twist. At the end were not one, but two logos. Different, new, logos. For John Lewis & Partners and Waitrose & Partners. Brace yourselves, everyone – it’s a rebrand! As both are employee owned, the inclu...

Just a handful of days left until Christmas – the tree is up, presents are wrapped, and the eggs have been nogged. That means it’s time to revel in one of the season’s greatest joys... When I say “Presents are wrapped”, I’m obviously excluding any virtual vouchers, which are currently wafting through cyberspace and probably disrupting Santa’s sat-nav, so don’t blame me if you’re a 48 year old, burly, man who gets One Direction’s latest album and a Barbie Doll on the 25th. Whilst the remaining turkeys on the farm are just starting to realise that their friends haven’t gone “on holiday”, we are now firmly into the timeframe reserved for one of the most indulgent moments of the festive season – going through the bumper Christmas & New Year TV guide to plan what we’re going to watch. It is a vitally important exercise, and not one to be undertaken in a rush. Without this military planning, how will you know what to watch whilst seeing off your own body weight in mince pies, cho...

Nice hat, Sir! Twas the night before Christmas (well, almost) and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a m... hang on a second! Are you telling me that the rodent population not only understand the concept of stirring, but are also familiar with the idea of time and therefore know when Christmas is?! I think we may have vastly underestimated them, and it probably explains why cheese-baited traps aren’t very successful. It’s that very special time of the year –when you turn the TV on, hopeful that you’re about to get a new Christmas-themed episode of your favourite show, only to discover that it’s a ‘bonus’ outing recorded in August, featuring the ‘best of’ bits you’ve already seen, and some leftover new stuff and outtakes you haven’t (largely because they weren’t good enough to make the original show). This column is a bit like that... except the ‘best of’ part doesn’t exist. Moving swiftly on... January: In order to accurately research this column,...

Ho ho ho! As there are just a few days left until Santa’s Birthday, I decided this column should eschew its usual grumpiness, and be purely joyful. I know - Brace yourself. Well now, this shouldn’t be too tricky, eh? There’s so much to be thankful for at this time of year! I just bet you’re all looking forward to spending lots of extra time with family that you don’t see the rest of the year – especially the in-laws, eh? That’ll be super! And won’t it be great to spend lots of time in the kitchen? What a great chance to learn how to cook things you don’t normally have to contend with, in very large quantities. That kind of opportunity only comes at this time of year. Plus, you get to have distant members of the clan that you barely know give you their very direct review of your efforts. What an opportunity to learn from the experts – it’ll be just like Masterchef. There’s still time to hear more of those Christmas classics in all the shops you visit before the big day too....

Farewell then, noughties. Welcome to another decade - let's hope it's a great one. My thanks to everyone who made Christmas great: My lovely wife for the top pressies and a great walk in the snow on Christmas day; Her family for entertaining us on our quick overnight over the border in Yorkshire; Paul & Kris for the lovely evening (and Johanna for being extremely cute); James & Charlottie for the fab Iranian food and free-flowing drinks and great company (see, the kitchen never did catch fire); John & Sally for lunch and always being excellent hosts and for the pressies, Colin for his pressies and Lucy for being the best 13 year old on the planet... sorry David Tennant's gone, spud. (NP: Xmas pressie CD number 3 - Thomas Dolby's "The Golden Age Of Wireless")

Having woken up to yet another 3 inches of snow this morning, then managed to avoid the 6ft snowman some git had built in the middle of the main road through our village, you'd think I'd be a bit fed up with the white stuff by now. It would be fair to say that, on at least a dozen occasions this week, I have been pretty sure I was either going to crash and die, or become trapped, freeze and then die. And it would also be true to say that I've probably spent nearly as much time in my car than at my desk, too. But there have been a whole bunch of moments when I've peered through my windscreen and seen stuff so unbelievably beautiful that it made by jaw drop, literally. Went out for a slither in the snow tonight and now it's just a couple of hours left to go. The first white Christmas I can genuinely remember. Wherever you are - Happy Christmas.