grumpyf1

Ever been really unlucky with a car? Yup - me too. Twice..? One of the best cars I have ever owned was, remarkably, a Fiat Punto. A nondescript, plain, basic, boring (and under-powered) Punto. In all the time I had it, it never broke down, and the worst problem it managed was a light that stopped working. It turned out the tip of the connector on the bulb was a bit rusty, so after a quick rub with some sandpaper (I did the bulb too) it was fine. Ooo, drama. Then I crashed it, as the unwitting fifth person in a queue all carrying out an emergency stop as some bell-end ahead had slammed their brakes on unnecessarily. After much delay, the insurance company wrote it off. Scroll forward a few years and I was looking to replace my Ford Fiesta. The local garage had a nice second-hand Punto - a newer model, but hey, it's a Punto. Cool. And it was, for a while. Then, one day, I went to go out and the battery was flat. Not usual flat, as in it sluggishly turns over a bit, or at least make a...

I’ve got a new(er) car! Red, shiny, doesn’t get overtaken by every other car on a slight incline – it’s great... except for a lock-up cock-up. Considering it’s got a tiny 898cc engine, my new-to-me 2nd hand Renault is really quite nippy. Thanks to a turbo (which makes me feel like an F1 star), and the fact that I’ve yet to find any actual metal in the bodywork, it’s lovely to go up a hill and not be overtaken by tractors, milk floats and the occasional cyclist. And, bless those petit French designers, they’ve incorporated a Crystal Maze-style quest into it too! Unfortunately, it’s only for one player, though. If you’ve got the main key with central locking buttons, you’re not allowed to play. Non! But if you have the spare, manual, key then – Oui! Prepare to begin your quest – you have 2 minutes to complete the following mission: You must get into the car, start the engine, turn it off again and exit the car, leaving it locked. Easy, right? Let’s Twin-go! “OK team – I’ve got ...

If ultra-fit blokes driving round in circles in stupidly expensive cars is your thing, then Hurrah! Formula 1 returns this weekend. It may only seem like a couple of months since Formula 1 packed up for the winter break with that German chap with the pointy finger looking smug again, but in fact... oh. Yes, it was only November. The F1 circus opens up it’s big top of baffling wonderment in Australia this weekend, and for the first time in years it really is anyone’s guess as to who might win the title. Had things remained the same, it seemed entirely plausible that Sebastian Vettel would have picked up where he left off – which was winning nine races in a row and crushing all opposition in his Red Bull dream machine. Happily, the biggest set of rule changes this century has given the pack and jolly good shuffle, and the signs from winter testing sessions are that things really have changed a lot. In a sport where a 0.1 second improvement is considered a huge gain, the timesh...

Trying to look like a successful car from the past that was actually the colour scheme of a cigarette brand? That'll be the Renault-Lotus-Whatever team, then. On the positive side, whilst their name (whatever it actually is) will cause confusion with Team Lotus this year, at least the colour scheme won't. The idea of 4 green and gold coloured cars with near-identical names was number 1 stupid idea of the year. Already causing a bit of a stir are the car's odd popping-out-of-the-front-of-the-sidepod exhaust exits. If the first round of testing is anything to go by, the car seems quick, with Bob K fastest on day 3. Kubica is a great driver, who should be in a top team, and could well bag a championship, given the right car. Could this be the right car....? Kubica's talent might just be dragging it higher up the pecking order than it would normally be, though. In the other seat, surprisingly, is Petrov. Patchy last season, he was occasionally great (especially hol...

It was all looking a bit shaky for Vitaly Petrov. The rumour-mill was strongly suggesting that his time at Renault was over and he'd be out on his ear (and possibly F1 altogether). Surprisingly, Renault/Lotus (or whatever they are calling themselves this week) have signed him back on for 2 years. Petrov is a bit of a strange one: He seems to lack consistency, lurching from mediocre race and silly mistake to flashes of brilliance and gritty determination. Maybe someone with some power in the team was still narked about Monobrow bunking off to Ferrari, and were happy to sign Vitaly again on the strength of his race-long triumph of keeping the Spanish grump behind him at the last race, inducing Alonso to a) not win the title b) shake his fist at him in a way most unbecoming of a Gentleman. Whatever the reason, Petrov finds himself once more in a situation not dissimilar to Massa at Ferrari. If he beats his clearly rather good team-mate Kubica, it's likely to be seen as a bit o...

Crikey! The Jordan team are back! Black and yellow car, with B&H-style stripey bits - yep, definitely EJ's squad. It's who? Renault?! At the risk of sounding like a broken record (sorry, that should probably be a clipping MP3 file or something, shouldn't it?), where's the sponsorship? Not that I mind, mind (THAT looked weird!) - the cars always look better without logos all over them. Here we go then.... Renault were pretty cool I reckon, as they saved announcing their 2nd driver until the day of the launch. Mind you, they had only signed him round about then as well. So a big "hello, comrade!" to Vitaly Petrov, 25, all the way from Russialand, who has apparently never driven a F1 car before. Eh?! I guess the fact that he's bringing an alleged £9 Million in sponsorship to the team will counterbalance that minor issue, though... Lest we forget, Renault aren't really Renault, as the team are 75% owned by some organisation that sounds like the front f...