grumpyf1

OK, so it's a bit early maybe, but after careful analysis of the statistics, canvassing of opinion of, well, me actually, and a look into the Grumpy F1 crystal ball, I can confidently say that this year's World Champion will be Ferrari's Fernando Alonso. Don't believe me? Well, you'll just have to wait until the Autumn to find out if I'm right, won't you... (Right now, Tasmin Archer is "In Your Care"...)

That's it then - testing for the new season is complete. Everyone now has to do their final checks and and pack it all up to ship off to Bahrain. On the final day of testing, Hamilton was fastest, followed by Webber, Massa, Sutil and Vettel. Over the final 4 days, we've therefore seen Hulkenberg (Williams), Rosberg (Mercedes), Webber (Red Bull) and Hamilton (McLaren) fastest on each day. About the only conclusion I can draw is that it's set to be a very exciting season indeed, as at least three teams (Ferrari, McLaren & Red Bull) are darn quick, with Mercedes not far behind. Not far after that, Williams and Sauber look pretty handy too. 2 weeks to go then. I can barely contain myself... (NP: The excellent and underatted Michael Penn's "No Myth".)

You may remember I got a bit, well, uptight about having to have my driving licence renewed simply because my photo was ten years old. Since then, I have discovered that, if you haven't moved house (or changed name, or sex or er... some other stuff) you haven't ever had to have applied for a photocard driving licence. Which means, in terms of being able to identify that the driving licence is yours you simply have to know the name and address on it (and assumingly be appropriately male or female). So I'm paying out AGAIN for something that some people don't even need to have. What's that weird noise? Oh... it's my teeth grinding. Anyway, I went to Tesco's today (and inadvertently spent over £100 on shopping when we didn't actually have more than 10 things on the shopping list - but that's another story) and got the photo done. Gone are the days of getting four attempts to look good and then waiting 10 minutes for a damp piece of photo paper. Now it&#

If you pop over to the Stefan GP website (which isn't exactly the flashiest thing on the web) you'll currently discover a picture of a courier consignment note (Oooooo - I'm impressed!) and a faboulously weird message, which says: "If case we don’t receive the chance to compete in Bahrain, and also when some of the teams fail to show up, somebody should be in a trouble explaining what is happen to all of us. And dreamers from USA will have to explain their actions, because they are deliberately weakening F1 with dreaming of perfect world and fairytales about success. And success doesn’t come by talking but with hard work and lot of guts." Erm... righty-ho, then. Go on FIA - let them in. It should be fun to see if they can figure out which way to drive up the pitlane....

With no refuelling this year, pit stop times will focus purely on changing tyres. So how fast do you reckon they can do it? 5 seconds? 4, maybe? Surely not 3....? The Williams team recorded a time of 2.83 seconds whilst practicing this week. Now that's quick....

There's just tomorrow to go, and then there's no more F1 testing before the season starts in 2 weeks. So who was nippy on Friday and today? Yesterday saw a surprise with Hulkenberg fastest, followed by Alonso, de la Rosa, Liuzzi and Vettel. Today is was Rosberg fastest, then Buemi, Button, Barrichello and Massa. Conclusion? You're kidding, right?! It seems that every test someone else surprising is at the front. I've no idea... (Posts tonight accompanied by Sting's "Ten Summoner's Tales" from '93)

Day 1 of the final test before the new season begins :-) Mark Webber was the man to beat, and no-one did. He was followed up by an impressive run by Hulkenberg in the Williams, then Rosberg, de la Rosa and Button. Virgin's car wound up in the wall and the Ferarri had an electrical problem. Sheesh - I really don't know who's genuinely on the pace... In other news, USF1 do seem to be really on the skids, Karun Chandock might be about to sign for Campos and Jacques Villeneuve is back in the frame at Stefan, who seem confident that they'll be on the grid in under 3 weeks in place of the Yanks. (The Jeff Beck Group reckon "I Ain't Superstitious" tonight)

They're only happy when they're whingeing. Ferrari have had a right old grumble on their website about the new teams joining F1 this season (or not, depending on which rumour you listen to). Try this: "Two teams will limp to the start of the championship, a third is being pushed by an invisible hand and, as for the fourth, you would do well to call Missing Persons to find it. In the meantime, we have lost two constructors along the way, in the shape of BMW and Toyota, while at Renault, there is not much left other than the name. Was it all worth it?” I think they might be unhappy about something or someone. Can't quite put my finger on who, but they sure are taking it to the Max. They aren't too keen on Stefan either... “Serbian vultures, who picked the bones of Toyota on its deathbed”. Ooooooo - back in the knife drawer, Mrs Sharp! So they're blaming the decision to introduce spending restraints, allowing new teams to enter F1 so that they actually have a vagu

US F1 kindly request that you let them off coming to the first four races of the year. They've been a bit poorly (financially) and need a bit of time to sort themselves out. Sounds reasonable to me, but I don't get to decide (more's the pity). I really can't see why anyone should object. Wouldn't it be better for them to show up part way through, but at least be racing, than a grumpy FIA to say NO and prevent them from coming at all? Good luck to them - I hope they can make it in May. Better late than never indeed. (Mr John Deacon is saying "ahmmmm" quite a lot in his interview now)

So, what's been happening whilst I've been away? It dried up in Jerez, and on Friday Webbo was fastest, but then on Saturday it was Mr Button in the McLaren, who also set the fastest time of all so far at the circuit this winter. Good sign! To be fair, Hamilton was in the car when the weather wasn't as friendly, so it's still a bit hard to say who is really on "it". It does seem thought that McLaren, Red Bull & Ferrari are fast, with Mercedes not far behind. Hmmmmm. Very interesting...... Only one more round of test sessions to go before the new season, in Barcelona next week. And yes, I did what to go for a great big "Barceloooooonnnnnaaaaaaa" a la Freddie.

I'm baaaaack!!! First of all, Happy Birthday to the divine Mrs Hamilbutton, who had her big day on Saturday. We "did" London, including climbing up the Monument (160 feet, 311 steps, 1 near coronary, extremely large helping of Fear Of Heights), a brisk walk across town as the tube was shut and then a great couple of days with our friends in Hampshire before a long old journey home today. This included a Virgin Bendolino train that I'm pretty sure could have kept a small village in Iceland toasty for the whole of a particularly harsh winter. And then boiled the kettle. Good to be back home - seems to have snowed here again. In this winter ever going to end? (Tonight I'm half-paying attention to an interview with Brian May)

Will be a bit quiet the next couple of days, as I'm away in London then staying with friends "darn sarf". If I was a real web-savvy dude, I'd take my laptop with me and hook up to a WiFi hotspot somewhere. But I'm an old git, and can't be arsed to carry the laptop around and besides, why would I want to bury my face in the computer when I'm seeing friends? You know... REAL PEOPLE! Remember them? Odd things today - when I typed "Grumpy F1" into google, one of the first few responses leads you to my 9th of Feb article about the lovely Ralph Schumacher. Weird. And apparently, USF1 have been tweeting to say reports of their demise are untrue. Have a great weekend - see you next week!

Tough day In Jerez for the teams again - yet more rain. Tougher still for Lotus as Kovaleinen shoved the car into a tyre wall. Unfortunately, being a tiddly new team who have barely had time to buy a can of petrol, they don't have a spare front wing, so one is being sent second class in some brown paper tied with a bit of string. Fastest through the puddles today was Barrichello, followed by Petrov, Vettel and Rosberg. (Green On Red reckon "Keith Can't Read".)

Oh dear. Oh dearie, dearie dear. Looks like US F1 really aren't going to make it. Assorted rumours doing the rounds suggest that: * They've cancelled their crash testing * Their HQ in Charlotte is up for sale * No testing has been announced * No launch date has been announced * Their major sponsor (YouTube's Chad Hurley) has decided to wave his cash at Campos Do these sound like the sort of stories that suggest they will be on the grid in a few weeks' time? Nope. Campos on the other hand may be out of the poo as it seems their major shareholder might well buy the team outright, thus securing it for the time being. Stefan might make it yet! (YeeeeHa! Appropriately enough the HiFi is currently blasting Steve Earle's "Johnny Come Lately".)

The third testing session is underway in Jerez, and once again they might as well have stayed at home (although it snowed here yesterday, so maybe not). All 11 of the teams that have launched their cars were present, and special mention should go to Fairuz Fauzy, Lotus's test driver, who was 9 seconds off the pace, but drove the entire session with no power steering. Crikey. Schuey also gets a mention for completing 111 laps. Assumingly not all at once mind... unless he had a trailer on the back with an extra fuel tank. Mind you, they were probably shouting at him over the radio to "come IN Michael! That's enough!!" In the end Vettel was fastest, followed by Hamilton, Massa, Buemi (in that Toro Rosso again!), de la Rosa, Schumacher, Sutil (Force India), Di Resta (Force India's 23 year old Scottish test driver), Petrov, Barrichello, Fauzy and Glock, who had another crappy day in the none-too-reliable Virgin car. (Mmmmmmm - The Bangles, "Eternal Flame". Su

Fantasy Formula 1 headed out into the big wide world last night, and to my colleagues at work this morning. We've already got 5 entries, so hello to Claire, Chris, Jane & Russell. Welcome, welcome, welcome back, welcome back! The most competitors ever was 22 a few years ago. I wonder if the 15th year of FF1 will see the highest number of entrants too... (Currently placing a chill in my heart are the Eurythmics)

It's the story that just won't go away. It was way back on the 1st day of this glorious new decade that I reported the strange tale of Stefan GP. In case this one slipped by you, they've got the cars that would have been Toyota's 2010 entry and have funding from the rather unlikely source of the Serbian Government. (Check again. It still isn't April the 1st.) Apparently, Bernie has checked with the Prime Minster of Serbia (as you do) and is happy that they're sufficiently funded. They've even shipped some gear out to Bahrain in the hope that they will be allowed to race. Drivers names doing the rounds are Ralph Schumacher, Kazuki Nakajima and Chritian Klein. Sounds very much like they are more prepared than the Campos of US GP teams. All they need now is a yes... (Weird listening tonight - remember Jeff Wayne's Musical Version Of The War Of The Worlds? Yeah, of course you do. Ever hear of his Musical Version Of Spartacus? No?! I don't think many peop

I'm jolly excited! After ages trying to figure it all out, I'm just about ready to launch Fantasy Formula 1 2010, which (as some of you might have noticed if you were paying attention) is now entering it's 15th year. The rules have changed a bit, but the prizes are still the same - there aren't any. Stand by to pick your teams! (typed to the sound of Simon Climie's "Take It To The Limit")

Look sort of familiar? Well it should do - the Lotus colour scheme is back in F1 after a 16 year gap. They are officially Lotus too - if they were to miraculously win a race, it would count as another one for the Lotus records book. All this seems a little weird, when you consider that it's mostly owned by a Malaysian Businessman and backed by the Proton car company. They certainly have a big bit of history to live up to, but are wisely only looking toi finish races this year. That might still be a bit optimistic, seeing as Rottweiler Mike Gasgoyne only got the ball rolling 5 months ago. Still, he's worked something near to miracles with the performance of several other teams... usually just before his attitude finally gets too much for them and he was given his P45. Prospects? Scrapping with Virgin at the back, although they have a couple of experience drivers who have both won races... Jarno Trulli is most famous for losing his rag last season and waving his arms around like

The last couple of days of Test number 2 in Jerez were pretty hard to read, as the weather gave the teams an unwelcome opportunity to practice some wet weather tyres. Friday saw Alguesuari fastest in the Toro Rosso (!), De la Rosa 2nd in the Sauber, Sutil 3rd in the Force India and Massa 4th in the Ferrari. Saturday had Hamilton first in the McLaren, then Sutil, Barrichello in the Williams and Kubica in the Renault. Figure that one out if you can! Next test session is also in Jerez and starts on Wednesday. (Tonight it's Chris Rea just before he went totally blues - from 1992 it's the album "God's Great Banana Skin")

I hate it when circuits decide they need to make alterations to improve the show. It usually doesn't. But when Silverstone decided to make some changes.... well, that's doubly bad. The whole of the circuit is pretty fantastic, so why they felt the need to dick about with it is somewhat baffling. Anyway, they've got approval for the race to be run on the new "Arena Circuit" this year. Better for spectators, better for overtaking, but almost certain not BETTER in the real sense of the word. (I think Genesis may have moved on to "Firth of Fifth" - I'm not too clear on their early stuff!)

Testing day 2 in Jerez, and the Virgin team had a spot of bother with their front wing falling off, leaving Glock way off the pace. Kobayashi was fastest in the Sauber, followed by Buemi in the Toro Rosso, then Button in the McLaren, Hulkenberg in the Williams, Liuzzi in the Force India, Schumacher in the Mercedes, Alonso in the Ferrari, Kubica in the Renault and Webber in the Red Bull. Glock was 10 seconds behind, as they didn't have any spare bits. They should have used gaffer tape - it always works for me. (Live in my ears tonight it's Genesis's "The Musical Box")

The second test session kicked off today - 4 days in sunny Jerez. Only it rained. Most of the teams were there this time, with the exception of Lotus and the will-they-won't-they US F1 and Campos Meta 1 teams. The times were a bit meaningless because of the weather, but for the record Rosberg was fastest in the Merc, followed by Buemi in the Toro Rosso, Hulkenberg in the Williams and Alonso in the Ferrari. Good to know that the weather is crap abroad too, eh?! (Another unknown: Paul Brady "Nobody Knows")

The last of the big F1 teams launched their motor today. Red Bull's new car was actually designed with the smarty-pants double diffuser this year, so no tricky suspension issues to try and work round for Adrian Newey's enormous brain. It did break down today though, and interestingly Webbo put his skid-lid and HANS doo-dah on the ground at the rear of the car to stop prying eyes. Paranoid? Something to hide? Interesting... Lest we forget, they won the last 3 races of last year, and were a pretty close second to Brawn. Can they maintain that momentum, or was the dip in performance early last year by McLaren and Ferrari the reason for their success? It's an exciting question - like Brawn/Mercedes, it's hard to say if their form will match that of the tradition front-runners, but it should be interesting to see. The only team on the grid to have retained their two drivers from last season, they have consistency too. Mark Webber is a top bloke. One of the few drivers in F1

Jean Toad (Sorry, Todt) isn't off to a flying start as head of the FIA is he? Earlier in the week he apparently said that teams could have a 3 race absence from F1 without incurring the wrath of the regulators. In light of the fact that US F1 and Campos both seem to be up a certain creek without a carbon fibre paddle, it seemed like a pretty sensible suggestion. Considering that (with Toyota's departure) the aim was to have 13 teams this season, surely it's better to have 11 for a bit, then 13, than just 11 because they didn't make it in time. But it seems not. Apparently he was misquoted. Turn up at the first race or you're breaking the rules. Hey! Let's kill F1 off by discouraging new teams to even bother trying! Woohoo! (Moved on to The Cowboy Junkies "Powder Finger". No, I don't remember them either.)

Hurrah! It's another car launch! Last season, not many cars started the season with prospects as dim as Force India - maybe only Toro Rosso. But Vijay's mob certainly surprised us all later in the season, with Fisi pulling off a fantastic pole at Spa and following it up with second in the race. True - they only managed this kind of pace at fast circuits, but it definitely showed promise. They have Mercedes engines & gearboxes again this year, and clearly aim to move up a notch this season too. The big question is: Can they though? They should be better than the new teams (if any of them make it apart from Virgin and Lotus) and must be hoping to beat Red Bull II as well. But who else? Toyota have gone. Williams? Optimistic, surely? Should be interesting to see. One negative comes to mind - they're missing the experienced Fisichella. Adrian Sutil did pretty well last year, putting in some solid performances, but a seemingly dangerous problem with attracting grumpy Finnish

I just noticed - the DVLA want me to put a stamp on the sodding envelope to post it to them as well! Thieving gits! Other pointless rants: Do you know how far a cherry yoghurt spreads if you drop one on the floor? No? I do. Quite a long way. I think I may have released an involuntary scream when I heard Kraft were going to close a Cadbury factory. When did Cadburys lose the S, by the way. Now you have to say "I'm enjoying this Cadbury Creme Egg very much". Madness, I tell you. Why does any sci-fi programme, when showing that there has been a disaster in London, have to give us a picture of Big Ben on fire. What set light to it? What's up there that would actually burn much? Yes, Dr Who, FlashForward and the Day Of The Triffids remake, I'm talking to you! Don't get me started on the Triffids either... how come all British Policemen suddenly seem to be carrying hand guns? Why were there loads of cars in Downing Street? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGG!!!!! (Wage

Remember when photocard driving licences came in? How we laughed. Well, actually we didn't, as we had to pay again for something we already had. I certainly never noticed that these had a Best Before date. Well they did. And mine has just gone mouldy. And guess what? You need to pay again. So apart from having to have your passport-sized photo taken again (guaranteed to make you look like you died the previous day and have been propped up in some way, or alternatively like you just teleported in and are somewhat shocked at having a sudden flash of light go off 3 inches from your face) and paying for that (£4? £5? Who knows. And where is there a photo booth in South Cumbria? Mountains - yes. Lakes - Uh-huh. Large cities with a liberal smattering of photo booths - Er.... no.), the DVLA want... wait for it... £20. Yes, twenty quid. To supply you with something you already have, but with a new photo on it which makes you look even worse than you did previously. Which isn't checked.

Very good question. As you can imagine, the points changes in F1 have messed with my trusty system I've used for the last 14 years. Clearly, if I use the F1 points, then the Improvement Points will be a bit pastry by comparison. So then anyone buying a team containing the best drivers and cars is likely to get a bundle of points. So I'm going to increase the Improvement Points. And charge a bit more for the top notch runners. And make the penalty for overspending more draconian. At least, I think so. I can't quite make my mind up. Also, the doubts over Campos, and the possiblility of Stefan making it onto the grid, plus the fact that 2 drivers have yet to be announced, all make me want to delay for a bit longer. So... where IS Fantasy Formula 1? Snuggling comfotably in the warmth of my laptop, just waiting to be unleashed. (And once I've figured out what to charge for all the drivers and teams, which is frankly well tricky...) (NP "Signs Of Life" by Pink Floyd

Remember I blogged a while back about Stefan? Well, that weird little story hasn't gone away. There is still a potential F1 team out there with never-to-be 2010 Toyota cars, and they're still looking to try and get into F1 this year. As it turns out, we might well need them, as various stories are doing the rounds regarding Campos Meta 1. Stories that don't have a happy ending, generally. Anyway, Stefan it seems have had talks with none other than F1's whingeiest, most sour-faced, moody, petulant and actually not very good driver (and the man who makes me look positively cheery)Ralph Schumacher. It is widely believed that this is the only photograph EVER of him not frowning (the report I read said it was wind). Bernie would probably be quite happy to have another F1 team in the championship, but please, not Ralph again. (Cheery Saturday night listening - It's Pink Floyd's "Animals" album)

Testing day 3 is over in Valencia. So is day 2, in fact, so I'd better tell you about that first, hadn't I? Day 2 saw Massa quickest, followed by Kobayashi in the Sauber, then Hamilton. Today it was Alonso's turn in the Ferrari and he didn't disapoint the 30,000 fans whoi turned out to see him (Think about that - 30 THOUSAND people at a test!), posting the fastest time. Pedro de la Rosa was 2nd in the Sauber, and Schumacher 3rd in the Mercedes. So Ferrari were fastest on all 3 days so far, but most interestingly, Sauber were second on all 3. Bit early to start reading too much into it, but that's a pretty good performance isn't it? Button was in the McLaren today, but seemed to be having a lot of problems getting comfortable. I'm sure Lewis didn't have anything to do with it, though. Fairly sure. Reasonably sure....

Virgin launched their car today, and without a shadow of a doubt, it's the best looking one so far. Unusually (in comparison with the other teams who have debuted their cars this week), they don't have that shark fin thing on the rear of the engine cover, and the nose is a lot more pointy. Yes, that is a technical term. Gorgeous livery too. Pre-pre a go-go then! First of the new entrants, Virgin haven't bothered with the old-fashioned methods and their car hasn't seen the inside of a wind tunnel, having been entirely designed using CFD (Computational Fluid Dynamics, or "How slippery and aerodynamic is our car then?" to you and me) on a particularly big laptop, or something. So predicting how they'll go is nigh-on impossible. So I won't try. Good luck to them though - I liked their press conference; all black leather jackets and jeans. Timo Glock was pretty handy in the Toyota last year and raced well, when the car would let him. His career hasn't r

Teensy bit late maybe, seeing as the season kicks off in a matter of weeks, but the points system now seems to have been confirmed as: 1st = 25, 2nd = 18, 3rd = 15, 4th = 12, 5th = 10, 6th = 8, 7th = 6, 8th = 4, 9th = 2 and 10th = 1. Definitely a nice bit of incentive to try for the win rather than settling for 2nd. Some interesting tyre regs have rolled up too. Sorry, you're probably tyred of those jokes by now. No, wheely. Anyway, drivers must now start the race on the tyres they finished qualifying with, which should be interesting. Risk a good grid slot to ensure you're on the right tyre at the race start? Or go for pole and hope you're OK in the first stint? The number of sets of dry tyres a team gets over the weekend has also been reduced from 14 to 11, and 3 sets of those get taken away during Friday, to encourage more running on that day. Good Lord - common sense! We urgently need a dose of rampant F1 stupidity from somewhere. I propose the immediate banning of more

...ahhhhhh, Viennnnaaaaaa!!!!! Sorry. Couldn't resist. First day of the new season's testing completed yesterday (I haven't seen the results for today yet. Give me a break!) and the fastest man out there was.... Massa in the Ferrari. He was followed by de la Rosa in the Sauber, then Schumacher in the Mercedes, Rosberg in the other Merc, Gary Paffet in, er, the McLaren (I think) then Barrichello in the Williams. Interesting eh? Bearing in mind that they were mostly on shakedowns of the cars and could have been on any amount of fuel between none and a full race distance and it all becomes extremely muddy. Pedro in the Sauber 2nd?! Where were Hamilton and Button? Not driving, hence Paffet's presence in the car. A lot of the teams weren't there or didn't run, so... who knows. It means nothing to me. Not yet anyway.... (Freak Out, man! Some psychedlia is wafting, like, through my mind tonight! I'm grooving to the 13th Floor Elevators and their, like, fab tune &qu

For some reason I'm not entirely clear about, Toro Rosso are an Italian Formula 1 team. Something to do with them formerly being Minardi, I think. Who were of course owned by an Australian. And people wonder why some folks find F1 confusing. It's pre-pre time! Some regulation tweakage this year means that, for the first time, Toro Rosso (Red Bull in Italian, geddit?!) actually did design their own car, and haven't just pinched the drawing from Red Bull's desk drawer in the dead of night when the security guard had popped out for a fag. Kind of hard then, to predict how they might do. They were pretty rubbish last year, but should at least beat some of the new teams - beyond that, anything else will be a bonus. Who are they likely to be able to beat though? Williams? Sauber? Tricky... Of course, none of this is helped by a fairly weak driver line up. Jaime Alguesuari raced for TR last year in the latter part of the season. And crashed a bit. He really needs to stop that

It's not a bluff this time - that really is the new Mercedes car, not an old Brawn with a paint-job. Looks the business, doesn't it? Liking those wacky wing mirrors! Ooh, I'm feeling a Grumpy pre-season preview coming on. Either that or I've eaten too much chocolate again and it's an almighty sugar rush which will probably mean I'll just keep typing and typing and typing without pausing to use pounctiuation or anything and without woprryinmg abiut wether I'm making horredous spelling mistakes and so forth. Gasp. Actually, it's both. Mighty fine pedigree the Merc - last year it won both titles under the guise of the genius of Ross Brawn (banana, anyone?). Ross is very, very, VERY good and sure knows how to organise a team, but let us remember that last year's car was designed under the considerable funding of Honda. This year's car was designed pre-Mercedes buying out the team. At a rough calculation, that means they've had a veritable shed-lo