grumpyf1

BBC4 are showing old episodes of Top Of The Pops from 1977. Ah, 1977. Queen, ELO, Mike Oldfield, Abba... you name it, everything musical in ’77 was awesomely cool, generally brilliant and undeniably ace. Hang on... I’ve never heard of this lot. Why have those girls got hardly any clothes on? DAVID SOUL?!! Aaaaahg! In a stunningly clever televisual programme planning masterclass, BBC4 recently followed up their hugely chronological (and cheap) wander through TOTP 1976, by kicking off with 77. In January! Clever, that – if they show 1 a week, they’ll just have enough to last the year. I should get into TV – that’s clearly where the clever people are. And presumably some spare cash, as they didn’t have to pay anything - except maybe for a hoover to get the dust off the VT boxes. If, like me, you are hugely old, and can remember this time (I was, of course, in nappies, but remember it all like it was yesterday. I was 10 at the time, so it was a touch awkward at school), you’ll be fon

I’ve decided that it’s about time for another law. In my (admittedly self-appointed) position of 'Most Marvelous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome' it is my right, after all. So, with immediate effect, I’m banning certain vehicles from the roads during peak times. Or to be more specific, times when I’m on the road. You know only too well what it’s like, don’t you? Within 5 minutes of setting off for work, you get caught behind that elderly chap in the surprisingly-new-looking Vauxhall Corsa with a registration plate from before this century, doing 15mph under the speed limit. And every time you even think about pulling out to overtake, something comes the other way. I’ve taken to naming people on the roads I regularly come across and find annoying. Take ‘Dog Man’ for instance. I sometimes catch him on my way out of Arnside, and want to run him off the road before Milnthorpe. He gets his name from the stick

Hello. I’m vaguely famous, and I’m here today to tell you about a terrible problem, and to ask for your help. There are some people in the barren lowlands of the South of England who, due to a terrible drought, are unable to keep their swimming pools full, or water their tennis court every day. They need YOUR help... In an unprecedented piece of stating the bleeping obvious, it has been announced that a lot of the South and East of England has worryingly low water reserves, due to the fact that it hasn’t rained much. And for quite a long time. This is shocking news indeed. As you may have gathered, I’m not a native Cumbrianer, so news that places I wandered round in my top hat and tails, whilst shouting at foreigners (and the Welsh), are suffering so terribly cuts to my very soul. Although, after that ill-advised pact with the devil for good tickets to a Sonia gig, I’m not entirely clear as to who is currently feeling the pain. Actually, it is possible to tell I’m not from r

Apparently, I’m entirely stupid and have no ability to imagine a situation, unless it’s shown to me. At least that’s what I assume from watching TV news. It’s possibly true anyway, but I don’t like to think about that kind of thing, so my brain is now showing me an image of two kittens playing together. Ahhhhh. Hee Hee! Sweet! I like BBC News 24 a lot. Especially the music you get once an hour, with that countdown clock thingy in the corner. Beep! (Ba dum dum) Beep! (Bad um dum) Beep... Well, you get the idea. Unfortunately, even the BBC has succumbed to the concept that all TV news now has to come live from where whatever it is they’re talking about is happening. Even if nothing is happening. And it often isn’t. An airport is closed because of snow. You know, I think I might be able to imagine what that might look like.... no planes flying, right? Some snow on the ground. Yup... got it. So why does a reporter need to be outside the front door of the terminal, in the snow, to m

We are gathered here in this... (looks round a bit) um... blog, to mourn the passing of Jenwis Hamilbutton. His life may have been short and largely irrelevant, but he touched the lives of so many people that... sorry? Oh. Apparently that was someone else... Jenwis Hamilbutton rose briefly to fame on twitter during 2010, when he was retweeted by BBC F1 presenter Jake Humphrey, having criticised his shirt. A similarly unspectacular claim to fame occurred when a tweet he crafted at 1am on a windy night appeared in F1 Racing magazine. An amalgam of bits of Formula 1 drivers Lewis Hamilton and Jenson Button (mostly the hopeless bits), he came into existence via 3 pints of cider, a Creme Egg and the Electric Light Orchestra’s mournful 1986 farewell album “Balance Of Power”, played loudly over headphones. In his short existence, he was followed on twitter by Paul Hardcastle of “19” fame, and a bunch of slightly odd but jolly nice people, whom he was never entirely sure actually exist

Come on. Own Up. Who punched the new F1 cars in the face and broke their noses, eh?   Almost as quickly as you can say “If I see Vettel waving that sodding finger again I’m going to break it off and shove it up his exhaust flange” it’s nearly time for another year of Formula 1. Which also means it’s time for another season of the leg end that is Fantasy Formula 1! Hurrah! (Waits for a few seconds) I said HURRAH! Thank you. Whilst the McLaren seems to be the only car not to have fallen victim to a damn good whacking with the ugly stick, there is much to look forward to this year: Seeing if Seb can make the triple, six World Champions on the grid, finding out if Lewis is still drawn mysteriously towards Brazilians in red cars, if Kimi can put an entire sentence together that isn’t more effective than Nytol... Well, you get the idea. Unless you’re watching on the BBC, of course. In which case, don’t read this for another 3 hours, then skip half of it. Fancy