Poo sticks

Our washing machine smelt of cabbages, so I called United Utilities. Now they’re going to dig up all of Arnside for the rest of the year. Drama queens.

I had begun to wonder if Mrs G was using our ancient washing machine to clean vegetables, but she denied it when questioned. After dismantling the vintage washer, which features a melted powder drawer and a plastic trim bit that falls off if you breathe too hard near it (and upsetting a very well-established spider community in the process), without finding a solution to the whiff, I moved on. With some bonus screws. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Just don’t stand directly in front. Or in the same postcode, to be on the safe side.

The kitchen sink u-bend was scary, but also untroubled by blockages. Hmmmmm.

And then the loo started gurgling. Fearing a dreadful aeroplane/vacuum incident, the Mrs decreed that it was definitely a blockage. After spending an hour scraping the cement stuff out from around the edge of the drain cover in our back garden with a knife (I never liked that cutlery set anyway), the shocking truth was revealed. And inhaled.

United Utilities were called, and a jolly nice chap arrived with his colleague. I’ll spare you the full grisly details, but there was more crap than in an entire series of The X-Factor. Or 15 minutes of live House Of Commons coverage. Yes – it was THAT bad. The edited highlights include what looked like a giant ice cream scoop, someone in our terrace having flushed rags away, a broken pipe, jet washing, and a jolly exciting viewing using a poocam. If you think you have a bad job, someone has to watch that video.

4stars! Whiffy brilliance! (Poo Review Monthly)
Bravo – a moving and brave film that shows the harsh realities of life in the sewer. (Time Out)

It stunk! (Toilet Review magazine)

Sent me round the bend! (U-trap Collector)

Anyway, after a couple of hours, an unusual social adventure with my neighbours and a large black and white cat called Epsilon, plus a dinner that I struggled to fully enjoy due to terrifying flashbacks, it was sorted. And the washing machine now smells fine. Which, when you think about it, is quite disturbing really...

Now I know this whole sorry escapade highlighted some infrastructure issues, but United Utilities are taking it all jolly seriously. A leaflet through our door kindly explains that we need bigger sewers in our village, or a river and Kent is in trouble. Blimey. I didn’t realise it was THAT bad. Starting the work now, they hope to be finished in October... but might have to come back next year.

Is there a bit of Arnside I haven’t seen with half a million people in it?! They’ll be digging some very, very big holes along the front, including bang outside The Albion – you know... the pub with the beautiful view over the estuary, especially at sunset. Well, now you can add to your pie and a pint with a pong for the duration of the summer season! My favourite haunt, The Bakehouse, is right next door too, so I’ll have to feed my terrible cappuccino addiction to the sound of diggers as well as milk being frothed. Still, a sign saying “Fill that hole with a yummy cake” should be fix everything. Then there’s the B&B’s, including the award-winning boutique No.43, who will now have stunning views of the sky, sea, shoreline and a bloody great big hole with traffic lights dotted attractively around the edges. Nice.

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the actual shoreline ALL ALONG THE FRONT will be dug up. Still, we don’t need tourists, eh? Everyone’s doing so well in this wonderful financial climate.

Last year we had to contend with the viaduct being closed for months while the deck was replaced. This season’s endurance marathon will be pongier, and even closer to home.

And all because my washing machine ponged a bit. Sheesh.

(I thought I couldn’t be any more amazed by the support from friends, family, colleagues and the twitter community that I have received so far. But I am. I had no idea when I grumbled about fog light idiots back in January that I’d still be here, and not the slightest inkling of just how wonderful it would be to enjoy the comments and kindness everyone has shown. If I do somehow win this competition, I’ll try my very best to make sure all my blogs are as good as I can possibly make them. And the cakes are on me. Not literally – you’d get hairs on them. Thank you!)
This blog post appeared yesterday as an entry in the North West Evening Mail's "Big Blogger" competition. Do me a favour - click on this link to view it on their website, please? Thanks to your clicks, I've made it through to the final Blog Off. I've been interviewed twice, and my picture will be on page 3 tomorrow - sorry everybody, but I refused to go topless. I do have some morals. *thinks about it* Actually... no, I haven't.

(New CD! Nerina Pallot's "Year Of The Wolf" arrived in the post - good stuff so far!)