grumpyf1

This is an intervention - step away from the cheese. I hope you’ve had a wonderful festive season so far? Just a few days to go until the Doctor Who special. Oh, and the New Year. The days are getting longer, and we’ll soon be done with a year dominated by Brexit. 2019 will be better, right? Right? Please say yes. I thought I’d finish the year with a romp through my notebook, allowing me to serve up a few choice items that got me thinking over the last 12 months, but didn’t make it into full columns. A kind of Bubble & Squeak of randomness. Mmm... Has anyone ever wondered what time-travellers would think if they jumped forward 30 years to today? Considering the number of smokers back then, it would be easy to assume that cigarettes had now been replaced by people carrying small bags of dog poo around. 2018 featured an awful lot of meals with pea shoots on them, for no discernible reason. I’ve even had a fry-up with them on. Is there a committee that decides what this year...

Welcome to 2015! Don’t worry – no-one can legally make you eat a sprout again for another 11 and a half months. I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year and that those you love managed to stay the right side of a lethal dose of chocolate. Ours was up and down; The microwave blew up (if ‘microwave years’ are like ‘dog years’ it was 168) and the curtains fell down, taking the pole out of the wall in the process; possibly due to the metric ton of cold-insulating lining. As you’ll have probably had enough of repeats on the TV, followed by repeats of the Christmas Specials before 2014 had staggered to it’s end, here’s the other part of the compilation of entirely new bits, left out of columns last year, to keep you entertained until something better comes along. No, thank me later – I accept all forms of credit card, but I prefer cash. July: I’ve seen photos used on new identity cards by vain colleagues that are clearly so old, I half expect to see a TV in the backgrou...

Nice hat, Sir! Twas the night before Christmas (well, almost) and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a m... hang on a second! Are you telling me that the rodent population not only understand the concept of stirring, but are also familiar with the idea of time and therefore know when Christmas is?! I think we may have vastly underestimated them, and it probably explains why cheese-baited traps aren’t very successful. It’s that very special time of the year –when you turn the TV on, hopeful that you’re about to get a new Christmas-themed episode of your favourite show, only to discover that it’s a ‘bonus’ outing recorded in August, featuring the ‘best of’ bits you’ve already seen, and some leftover new stuff and outtakes you haven’t (largely because they weren’t good enough to make the original show). This column is a bit like that... except the ‘best of’ part doesn’t exist. Moving swiftly on... January: In order to accurately research this column,...