After the solar storm

“This is the United Nations Of Europe (but not Greece) News at 10. An old laptop, found buried in an area of Eng-er-land, known at Cumbrya, has revealed a chilling glimpse back in time to the solar storm disaster of 2012. Now here’s Tracy with the weather for the weekend!”

Transcription of an audio file discovered on a battered laptop, surrounded by empty bits of brightly coloured foil with ancient text imprinted on it, saying “Egg” and “Creme” and crushed waxed-cardboard cups, which scientists have discovered contained traces of the illegal stimulant ‘Coffee’.

Entry 1: March 8th 2012, 8.45pm Hello. My name is Jenwis Hamilbutton. No, hang on... it’s Peter. Peter Grenville. I’m so hungry and confused! Something terrible has happened. We’ve been hit by a catastrophic storm. Not a regular one (we’re used to those – this is Cumbria after all), but one caused by a coronal mass ejection from the Sun.

Basically, the sun sneezed, and sent a big solar flare towards earth. I always thought solar flares were what Roy Wood wore on Top Of The Pops in 1975, but it turns out this was far, far worse than the bearded-one’s trousers...

First, the GPS systems dropped out. I only realised this when a couple from London rang my doorbell and insisted they were in Eastbourne “because the satnav in the Range Rover says so”.

As darkness fell, a beautiful aurora lit up the night sky. Well... I assume it did. As I mentioned, this is Cumbria, so it was raining and I couldn’t see anything.

Then the internet crashed. That was terrifying. It felt like I’d been thrown violently back in time to a point where the web didn’t exist. Like 1975. What is it about 1975? It’s like it’s some sort of terrifying prog-rock-obsessed fixed point in the universe!

My phone didn’t work, and we soon realised the TV and radio had gone down too. And then the lights went off...

Entry 2: Things are desperate now! I just found myself naked in the street, fighting an elderly lady for a tin of baked beans. She told me she was surprised the police let me go after the previous incident, but I pretended I didn’t know what she was talking about.

Entry 3: Final Entry It’s all over – civilisation has fallen. We’re alone. In darkness. Cut off from the world, with no heating, water, food or fuel. And more importantly, no way of tweeting about it either. I don’t know how we can survive any longer. Who knew a solar storm could be this devastating? I just want a cappuccino.

Oh God, no... the battery is going! Goodbye, cruel world. We became so dependant on our precious technology, we can’t survive without it. It’s 9.45pm on the 8th of March 2012...

This blog post appeared yesterday as an entry in the North West Evening Mail's "Big Blogger" competition. Do me a favour - click on this link to view it on their website, please? Thanks to your clicks, I've made it through to the last 7. Another person gets eliminated next Monday... Bit scared now.

(No music tonight - I'm sort of watching Formula 1. On my laptop. Shhhhh.....)

Shouting in the social media mirror

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Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

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