I suffer like Samantha Brick does.
Hardly a day goes by without someone saying to me “let me get you a cup of tea, you’re gorgeous”, me saying “Ta!” and them then saying “I wasn’t talking to you. And what are you doing in my kitchen anyway?”.
Just the other day whilst in 1st class* on a flight** to America*** a beautiful woman**** offered me champagne***** just because “you look adorable”******
*2nd class
**train
***Manchester
****6 year old kid
***** a jelly baby
******”you’re funny looking”
Whilst I’m no Brad Pitt, I’m average height, a bit portly, balding, the bits that aren’t balding are greying, my ears are a bit big and my grin in wonky. Totally irresistible in other words. Yup – not Brad Pitt. More Arm Pit.
Because of my stunning appearance, I have regularly been overlooked by other men for promotion, with them using the thinly-veiled excuse that I’m actually an incompetent, lazy idiot, with very little aptitude and a casual disregard for timekeeping, hygiene and honesty, instead of admitting that they’re jealous of my looks.
I have to work hard to keep my looks. I regularly drink cider, eat a lot of Creme Eggs, drink an obscene amount of cappuccinos and take minimal exercise. You’d think more men would applaud me for this, but no. The athletic bunch I work with seem to shun me because of my physique.
Last week, one of my male neighbours completely blanked me, even though we’ve always been on nodding acquaintance before. I can only assume this is the green-eyed monster again. Or the fact than I ran his dog over.
One of my old bosses used to take me out for a pint now and again. He used to say it was because he felt sorry for me, but I know he was just basking in my reflected glory. When his wife came along and I said I liked The Nolans as well, he became insanely jealous, accusing her of liking crappy music and that I should be ashamed of myself for leading her on. And in a public place too.
During a particularly warm summer, one employer I worked for hauled me into the office for wearing clothes that were distracting female colleagues. It was ridiculous – there were other men in the office wearing light summer clothing, but apparently me in orange Speedos and flip-flops is just too sexy for some other men to handle.
Younger men do seem to feel threatened by me – just the other day one of them said “Yo. S’up, old man? Why you dressed like an old laydeez curtain, dude? You need to have some respeck, innit?”. Just because I was wearing one of my lovely shirts. The colours matched my eyes so well – purple and red. It’s such a shame too; younger men could learn so much from my dress sense. Funerals are too dull if you stick to black.
So now I’m 44, and waiting for my looks to being to go, as they surely must, so that I can fade into the background. It’s been hell looking this good.
Maybe then other men will let me join their club.
As long as I don’t ask about the offside rule again.
(Well done to Darren, for his very good post on the charming Ms. Brick. I wasn’t copying him, honest. And thanks to @onatrainagain and @BroughtonLass for suggesting I do this. Is this my first commission?! How much do I get paid? Oh. Right....)
This blog post appeared yesterday as an entry in the North West Evening Mail's "Big Blogger" competition. Do me a favour - click on this link to view it on their website, please? Thanks to your clicks, I've made it through to the final Blog Off. If you have any children you need to scare, show them this http://www.nwemail.co.uk/news/barrow-vs-arnside-as-big-bloggers-go-head-to-head-in-grand-final-1.941945?referrerPath=news it's the NWEM's article on the Big Blogger final. Even I was freaked out by the picture, and it's of me...
(Modern tunage for a Sunday afternoon... The Feeling's "Join With Us" album from 2008. Popadoodle-doo!)
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