grumpyf1

Once upon a time, a disappointingly relatively brief time ago, you could sit down in front of your TV, and be surprised at what you saw. Not shocked by a trashy dating show (or an even worse naked dating show), but surprised by almost any drama, soap opera, or just about anything non-factual. Before the proliferation of TV channels, the tell-all internet, and a constant battle for viewers, it was perfectly normal to have almost no idea what was going to happen when you watched your favourite TV show. Sure, the Radio Times, or your newspaper, might have hinted at what was going to happen – but crucially without giving any major clues. How times have changed. Now, you see endless trailers for what’s going to happen, with major plot elements shown, so that you more or less know what you’ll be seeing before you even watch. Worse still, all serialised shows seem to have a ‘Next Time’ section at the end, which often resolves the cliff-hanger you watched just seconds beforehand. You...

This is an intervention - step away from the cheese. I hope you’ve had a wonderful festive season so far? Just a few days to go until the Doctor Who special. Oh, and the New Year. The days are getting longer, and we’ll soon be done with a year dominated by Brexit. 2019 will be better, right? Right? Please say yes. I thought I’d finish the year with a romp through my notebook, allowing me to serve up a few choice items that got me thinking over the last 12 months, but didn’t make it into full columns. A kind of Bubble & Squeak of randomness. Mmm... Has anyone ever wondered what time-travellers would think if they jumped forward 30 years to today? Considering the number of smokers back then, it would be easy to assume that cigarettes had now been replaced by people carrying small bags of dog poo around. 2018 featured an awful lot of meals with pea shoots on them, for no discernible reason. I’ve even had a fry-up with them on. Is there a committee that decides what this year...

Sorry, WHO are you..? Considering she fell out of an exploding TARDIS back in the spring, it’s taken the new Doctor Who a long time to crash onto our TV screens. Jodie Whittaker, taking over the role from Peter Capaldi, certainly did arrive with a bang, crashing through the roof of a train before post-regeneration befuddlement saw her surprised by her new gender and unclear what to call her own tongue. Her dramatic entrance was preceded by a handy introduction to the characters that are set to be The Doctor’s companions on her adventures as the thirteenth incarnation of the two-hearted timelord. If, like me, you were hanging on for a new version of the theme tune and opening title sequence, then it appears you’ll have to wait until this Sunday - The episode ran the full hour before bothering with tune or graphics. Happily the first outing, under the direction of new boss Chris Chibnall, soon helped you forget about the missing theme, with a twisty tale of a tooth-faced alie...

Sorry... who? Only the Radio Times.  Yes, they seem to have worked themselves into a small frenzy following the unveiling of the new Doctor Who logo, which dematerialised last week. The logo got it’s own mini-trailer, and comes in a fetching shade of orangey/gold. Very smart, and distinctly different to any of the previous outings – and why shouldn’t it be? New writers, new companions and a new Doc at the controls of the TARDIS. Oh, and there’s something else... Doctor Who is now female for the first time, and will be played by the talented Jodie Whittaker. Putting the frothy-mouthed debate over if that’s right or not (it’s right!) to one side, the reason for the Radio Times getting all excited is that the logo possibly contains a clever reference to the Doctor’s latest regeneration re-gendering. If you take the last two letters and turn the logo 90 degrees (and use a fair amount of imagination), you get... the Venus symbol! Kind of. Apparently. The RT gang slightly sp...

"Hello, I..." [SOUNDS OF RANTING] Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker.  CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED.  Scene 1 - Interior, TARDIS.  Doctor : Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man! Assistant : Woman. Doctor: Eh? (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS! Assistant : Really? Everybody else was. Doctor : Didn’t you get killed off at the end of the last series, by the way? Cybermen or something similar? Assistant : No, that was the gay one. I’m the androgynous, gender-fluid one. Doctor : Strange, I don’t remember you. You know you’re... green, right? And have antennae?  Assistant : Of course, and they’re not antennae. (The Assistant winks with one of their three eyes.) Doctor : Crikey! (pause) I think I might use that as a catchphrase. Assistant : It’s not as good as “Geronimo” or “Alonsee”. Doctor : Do you have a name, then? Assistant : Yes, it...

[INTERNET MELTS] Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker. CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED. Scene: Interior, TARDIS. Doctor : Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man! (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS! Assistant : Really? Everybody else was. Doctor : Strange, I don’t remember you. Nice antennae! Assistant : They’re not antennae. (Assistant winks.) Doctor : Crikey! (TARDIS alarm chimes ominously. Everything looks shaky whilst the Doctor and Assistant cling to the console.) Doctor : Ooo, exciting! I think we’re crashing! CRIKEY! Scene: Exterior shot of TARDIS . Door opens and the Doctor and Assistant stumble out. Sounds of angry mob approaching.  Doctor : I haven’t even had time to change – these Y-fronts are bloody uncomfortable. Who are these people anyway? Assistant : Oh, no – Doctor, it’s the Manbabies! (A portly white male approaches – 50ish, balding, weari...

BBC3’s latest Sci-Fi creation, Class, popped-up online a couple of weeks ago, with a familiar feel and a very recognisable guest appearance. Christmas is jingling it’s way towards us with alarming speed. This means (apart from eight weeks of festive songs on a loop in the shops) that the great Xmas day TV tradition is just around the corner. It’ll soon be Doctor Who Day, when an implausible plot with a snowy twist, celebrity co-stars, and a liberal dose of feel-good-factor burst forth from out goggle-boxes, temporarily distracting us from overindulgence, present-based disappointment and trying to avoid the washing up. The Doctor has made an early visit this year though, with a brief cameo appearance in BBC3’s new Sci-Fi drama, Class. Whovians will be familiar with Coal Hill Academy, where the main characters go for education, shared teenage angst, aliens and unexpected death. Originally just a good old-fashioned school with a grumpy time-traveller hanging around, it featured...

If you don’t like Doctor Who, then there’s something seriously wrong with you. Maybe you should see a Doctor. Unless you’ve been caught in some kind of temporal distortion (or the pub – it’s hard to spot the difference sometimes), you can’t have failed to notice the overload of all things TARDIS related invading your TV, like some kind of badly dressed alien invasion. After documentaries about it’s early days, in-depth analysis of the top 10 enemies of the time-travelling do-gooder, and more appearances in the media than the cast of The Only Way Is Essex on overtime, tomorrow night sees the culmination of Who Fever, as the 50th Anniversary episode airs at 7.50pm. And not just on your humble tellybox in the UK either. It’ll be going out simultaneously in 200 countries, to a potential audience of 100 million viewers. Where anyone has been foolish enough to purchase a 3D TV, they’ll be able to enjoy Matt Smith, David Tennant and John Hurt waving themselves (and the special effec...

Peter Capaldi was announced last week as the 12th incarnation of TV ratings stalwart Doctor Who. Thing is though... he’s quite... old... isn’t he? Although the bookies had already closed their tomes well beforehand, the much-hyped announcement of Capaldi who-vering up the job as the iconic TV Timelord did actually startle me quite a substantial amount, although not nearly as much as finding something is bigger on the inside probably would. The fact that it was done via a reality-TV-styled spectacular, with 30 minutes of wacky celeb superfans gushing about their love of all things Who-ey, fronted by a hugely over-enthusiastic Zoe Ball, was certainly a very ‘now’ way of doing it. That both the show’s current supremo, Stephen Moffat, and outgoing Doctor, Matt Smith, only appeared in pre-recorded form, spoke volumes about the whiff of tackiness to the whole thing. And yet, this still didn’t detract from the wow-factor when Capaldi appeared, nor (for me, at least) the follow-up ...

As Matt Smith prepares to leave the role, speculation about his replacement as Doctor Who has mostly skipped the sublime, and gone straight for the ridiculous. With the 50th anniversary of the iconic BBC television show just around the corner, Matt Smith has just the Birthday bash episode and Christmas special to go, before he’s consigned to the Who Who’s Who of history. The media have gone increasingly bonkers with their ideas about who might get the coveted position, with even shouting-at-drummers-Queen-impersonator Dame Helen Mirren allegedly in the frame. John Hurt has also been suggested, which is hardly a feat of time-travelling clairvoyance, as he appeared at the end of the last episode. As The Doctor. Still, I’d like to throw my hat (and long, multi-coloured scarf) into the ring, as I believe I’m eminently qualified. I own an actual screwdriver, and I have some quite clever Apps on my phone, so I reckon I’ve got the whole Sonic Screwdriver bit well covered. I have some i...

For a long time now we’ve used the traditional rating method involving stars - One is bad, five is good. I’m a bit bored with that to be honest, so just in time for Christmas, I’m proposing we adopt a new, more entertaining, system. It’s true that we need some way of expressing our happiness using something that’s simple to understand, and the five star system has served us well (at least until the frightening lycra and spangly -bits band of the same name showed up in the late ‘80s). The problem is, it’s all a bit dull, and you never really know if someone is using more than the recommended five. Or less, maybe. Is the fact that your darling little tyke has got a gold star for that drawing of an orange starfish (or was it the sun?) good? Or was it out of five? The system is corrupt too – top hotels now claim to have six-star levels of plushness. Once again, I’ve felt the need to seek assistance from a wise nine-ish year old called Rebecca to come up with a universal system t...

...but not necessarily in the right order. Some of then are probably still lurking on the HDD recorderboxthingy (I liked it when you just said "video"), but here's the grumpyf1 review of some of the stuff on the telebox over the Christmas/New Year period. Handy hint: If I haven't reviewed it, it's because: a) I forgot to watch it b) I haven't watched it yet c) I'm not interested in watching it d) The damson gin consumed during the festive period has clouded my memory sufficiently that I don't recollect it OK... Here we go then... Doctor Who: A jolly festive romp, although I'm already hankering for the days when it was a good story with Christmas added in, rather than Christmas first. I found myself struggling to remove the image of the stressed Mum from Outnumbered from my mind every time Madge was on screen, the whole Xmas-present-that-leads-to-a-snowy-forest bit has kind of been done before (!), if you blinked you'd have missed...

Returned today from a lovely week in Coverack in Cornwall. Weather was mostly "challenging" but got a walk or two in and had a relaxing time. Did you know that Cornish people are legally obliged to sell you a pastie is you knock on their door and they live under 100ft from the sea? It's true. A very nice old lady provided us with two that were so hot that even by the time we'd driven for three-quarters of an hour, then walked down cliffs to a beach, lounged around for a bit then decided to eat them, they were still warm. And delicious. Managed to catch the re-run of the Australian GP. Great race - see? F1 isn't boring after all. Just add water! Great drive by Button and amusing to see Hamilton irritated by his team's decision. Doesn't like being beaten, does he? Managed to get home in time tonight to see Matt Smith's appearance as the new Doctor Who. I thought David Tennant was brilliant, but Smith got off to a great start in a witty first outing, alon...

Nearly Christmas then. Just 2 weeks left. That reminds me, I really should write some cards some time soon. In next to no time (well, 2 weeks, as previously mentioned) most of the hideous, materialistic, corporate, greedy bit of Christmas will be done, we'll get a nice day without all the crap (except for the different crap on TV) and then it'll be time for the Sales. Wooop. Sorry, I can't raise a second wooop. Maybe I'll be able to get one half price? Still, Christmas day does at least offer us the chance (in the UK at least) to see David Tennant off as Doctor Who. Looking forward to that. Did that sound bad? What I meant is, I'm looking forward to Doctor Who, not getting rid of Mr T. He's actually even better than Tom Baker. There, I said it. I expect that 40-something hate mail to start arriving any time soon. Some crud from the X-Factor will probably be No.1 for Crimbo, although I've long-since stopped caring. I wonder if I can pinpoint the exact week I ...