grumpyf1

Formula 1 roars back into the lives of armchair motorsport fans this weekend, with the first race of 2019 taking place in Australia on Sunday. If you’ve paid up to watch the races on Sky, congratulations – you get all of the races live, and an extra Button too, with the former F1 champion, Jenson, joining their presenting line up. If, like me, you’ll be watching it on Channel 4... well, there’s less to be excited about. Only the British GP will be live, as a deal signed by former F1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone kicks in, giving Sky the rights to show all other races exclusively live in the UK. Instead, Channel 4 will have highlights only. Cue the tricky task of trying to avoid picking up your phone, turning on the laptop, or watching TV/listening to the radio for half a day after the race has finished, to try and avoid an unwelcome “and the winner was...” situation. Plus, some awkward late-night timeslots. Formula when..?! Sky’s big promo film also conspicuously used Fleetwood M...

This is an intervention - step away from the cheese. I hope you’ve had a wonderful festive season so far? Just a few days to go until the Doctor Who special. Oh, and the New Year. The days are getting longer, and we’ll soon be done with a year dominated by Brexit. 2019 will be better, right? Right? Please say yes. I thought I’d finish the year with a romp through my notebook, allowing me to serve up a few choice items that got me thinking over the last 12 months, but didn’t make it into full columns. A kind of Bubble & Squeak of randomness. Mmm... Has anyone ever wondered what time-travellers would think if they jumped forward 30 years to today? Considering the number of smokers back then, it would be easy to assume that cigarettes had now been replaced by people carrying small bags of dog poo around. 2018 featured an awful lot of meals with pea shoots on them, for no discernible reason. I’ve even had a fry-up with them on. Is there a committee that decides what this year...

Five v Four You’d have been a brave F1 fan to have bet against Lewis Hamilton winning the Formula One World Championship last Sunday in Mexico. He’d almost managed it the previous weekend, and arrived in Mexico in the comfortable position of only needing to finish seventh to bag the trophy, even if his rival, Sebastian Vettel, won the race. As it turned out, it was a challenging race for the British star for a rare change, and Vettel came reasonably close to winning. Hamilton might not have stood on the podium, but his fourth place was enough for him to be crowned a five time champion. That 5th title really is something special, putting him on equal footing with the great Juan Manuel Fangio from the sport’s early days, and bettered only by Michael Schumacher’s seven titles. I may not be Hamilton’s biggest fan, but even I have to concede that what he’s achieved is something genuinely special... even if he does have a silly haircut and some questionable fashion sense. Is th...

"Excuse me whilst I say something mind-bogglingly stupid..." It’s a tough time for Brits in Formula 1. Both British teams, McLaren and Williams, are a million miles away from their championship-dominating glory years. McLaren are in a perilous 6th place, and Williams 10th. In case you’re unfamiliar with F1, and think that sounds OK-ish – there are only 10 teams. Whilst brilliant British drivers have won many titles (Hunt, a couple of Hills, Button, Mansell etc.), 2018’s championship boasts just one driver from our fair isles – Lewis Hamilton. To be fair, he is pretty handy, having bagged four titles himself. With the British Grand Prix taking place at Silverstone this weekend, if you want to support your home team or driver, you’re probably going to need to back just Lewis. If either of the two teams manage to have the first car past the chequered flag, I’ll be talking next week about the most dramatic race in history, whilst bookies sob uncontrollably. It’s been ...

Poor LewLew. Everything's SO terrible right now... What a difference a few months makes. Lewis Hamilton clinched his fourth Formula 1 title last Autumn. The British driver looked a pretty good bet to make it five in 2018. But here we are – three races in, and he hasn’t won a race yet. If you count the end of last season, he hasn’t won the last six. His arch-rival, German Ferrari ace Sebastian Vettel, won the first two, with Smiley Aussie Daniel Ricciardo bagging the other one last weekend in China. Vettel did have a problematic race there, so Lewis did gain a bit of ground and now sits nine points behind Seb in the championship standings. It’s far from over, though. There are 17 more races to go, and whilst Ferrari seem to have a great car this year, Hamilton’s Mercedes squad aren’t exactly amateurs – they’ve won the constructors championship for the last four years. Lewis is sad though. Poor, gloomy, Lewis. He’s so upset, he’s taken to saying things like “I can’t have ...

F1 2018: Catch it while you can... It’s set to be a thrilling season for Formula One fans. Both Britain’s Lewis Hamilton and Germany’s Sebastian Vettel have now achieved four world titles each, with Hamilton equalling his arch-rival’s tally last year. Who was battling it out for that title last time? Yup – those two. It wasn’t always the most gentlemanly of battles either, with Seb famously banging wheels with Lewis after he believed the Brit had brake-tested him. So far, so tremendously entertaining. True, Vettel’s team, Ferrari, along with their driver himself, lost the plot somewhat when it really counted. Happily, it looks like we may be on for another ding-dong (and potentially bodywork-bashing) re-match. The cars look a little different this year too. Imagine someone sticking the bit that goes on top of your foot from a flip-flop onto the cockpit of the cars, and you’ve pretty much got the ‘halo’. This controversial new safety feature should help protect drivers from in...

Following on from "Crystal balls...", my copy of The Cumberland News arrived today. It appears the price of the weekly paper has just gone up a bit to £1.50, so I hope they don't blame me for that. A bold claim on the front cover too: Britain's best weekly newspaper. Me (and Lewis Hamilton) appear on Page 12. It appears I have a potentially never-ending left shoulder. Love the layout, and the excerpt text box. Considering it's the same word count, it all looks like a whole lot more than the same thing in The Mail. The "Thank grumpy it's Friday" title used in The Mail is also absent, and they tweaked the end to refer to the Cumberland News instead of The Mail. All in all - chuffed with that. Column 290 got syndicated - that's a nice start to the year. Who'd have thought..? (CD A-Z: They Might Be Giants - "They Might Be Giants vs. McSweeney's.)

Er..?! It’s an easy win to pick on flamboyant Formula 1 star Lewis Hamilton. That’s probably why I enjoy it so much. He does make it ridiculously easy for me, though. Take this week, when he decided to post a video on Instagram of him with his nephew. Slightly unusual, as he usually populates it with pictures of him looking moody and urbane with some famous models. Or effortlessly suave and moody with some famous music stars. “I’m so sad right now. Look at my nephew...” says Lewis, before turning the camera on the lad, who is wearing a fetching purple and pink outfit and waving a wand. “Why are you wearing a princess dress?” asks the fashionista multi-millionaire, who often looks like he got dressed in the dark with whatever ridiculously expensive tat he had lying around, and attended the black-tie F1 prize giving in something that looked suspiciously like his pyjamas. “Boys don’t wear princess dresses!” says Lewis, who is usually seen wearing lots of jewellery. “Celebritie...

Lewis and his jet. (VAT not pictured.) Mired in an unpleasant and seedy world of harassment accusations and casting couch impropriety, some of the rich and famous elite needed something to take them off the front pages. Lo and behold it happened this week, but only by turning a spotlight on some of the rich and famous elite’s financial sleight-of-hand and unscrupulous practices. The leaking this week of a veritable mother-load of financial document relating to everyone from senior royals to the stars of Mrs Brown’s Boys (as if they hadn’t already done enough bad things) provided some entertainment, for me at least. People with oodles of money being made to feel bad about their dodgy tax-avoidance shenanigans? Grand. Unfortunately, they’ve still got lots of dosh in the bank (wherever it may be), so I doubt they’re too traumatised. We have a notoriously short attention span nowadays, so we will probably have forgotten all about... the thing... sorry, what were we talking abou...

It’s been an interesting week of experiences, good and bad... but some of them less obviously one or the other. Allow me to explain. First of all, there’s an obvious one which was not only good, but simply joyous. Whilst dropping Mrs G off at the station early one morning, a tiny wren landed on the wing mirror of our car, sat motionless for a few moments, then flitted away. Wonderful. By the same logic, seeing someone damage their car five minutes later at the petrol station should be categorised as bad. However, this was a souped-up VW, with tinted windows, ridiculous spoiler, massive shiny chrome exhaust tailpipe and a spiky haired surly lad behind the wheel, who pulled into a parking space as I was leaving the shop. Unfortunately for the young driver (and presumably his ego), he apparently forgot the ground-skimmingly low front spoiler as he pulled up to the kerb. A kerb that was several inches higher. The loud bang/crunch noise was a delight. I believe the Germans have a wo...

"Sorry, can't stop - busy saving the planet." I love the smell of petrol and hypocrisy in the morning. As a fan of the fast-moving circus that is Formula 1, I’m used to people pointing out that there’s nothing exciting about some over-paid guys driving round in circles for two hours. I’ve also become accustomed to being preached at about all that flying around the world and petrol-guzzling engines being terrible environmentally. Shame on me for supporting it, etc. One of F1’s biggest stars, Lewis Hamilton, has certainly made my life a little harder when one of those conversations kicks off next. He’s told the BBC in an interview that he’s going to adopt a vegan diet, for health reasons and because he’s worried about emissions... from cows. When he points out that pollution from the back end of our bovine chums is “more than what we produce with our flights and cars” he’s actually pretty much bang on. Our love of beefy stuff and the unfortunate by-product of guff...

Silverstone - Home of The British Grand Prix after 2019? The Formula 1 motor racing circus pitches up at Silverstone this weekend for the British Grand Prix, and the battles aren’t just between the drivers. Just as the tension of the most exciting season for years reaches a peak, the international, multi-million pound, fast car spectacle rocks up in the UK. It’s a good job F1 doesn’t use a starter’s pistol to get the races underway – The people behind the British GP would have repeatedly shot themselves in the foot by now. The hallowed tarmac of Northamptonshire’s Silverstone circuit will play host to 20 cars and drivers and everything that goes with it, just as the circuit’s owners announce that they’re taking up a get-out clause in their contract after the 2019 race. Despite the staggering amounts of cash sloshing around the sport, the British Racing Drivers’ Club (BRDC) say they have “reached the tipping point”, and won’t be able to continue losing millions of pounds every...

Every hero needs a villain. Two British sports stars have recently found out the hard way that their friendly rivals are anything but. I may not be an expert on the Tour de France, but I do know how much falling off a bicycle hurts. Teenage years spent larking around on two wheels left their marks, but my top speed would look like I was a slow-motion replay, compared to the rate the skinny-wheeled professionals go. Which is precisely why I feel for Chris Froome. When I parted company with my ride, or went over the handlebars because I inadvertently put my foot in the spokes of my front wheel (true story), I largely hurt my pride and got a few grazes. When Chris was elbowed sideways into the barriers at high speed, he didn’t have the 1970s armour that is a sturdy pair of flared jeans and a hand-knitted tank top. His flimsy Lycra was scant protection as he bounced along the road, and I can confirm no-one ever cycled across my head, either. Froome apparently “gets on well” with ...

Being a Formula 1 fan has been tough the last few years. Same team winning all the time. Tyre management. Vettel swearing at everything. Yes, saying you’re a fan of Formula 1 often feels like you’re admitting to stealing underwear off washing lines (that wasn’t me though, honestly). People look at with a mixture of amazement, horror and sympathy. Why would you do that? Surely not for fun? You need some kind of help. The Mercedes team have dominated for the last few years, and whilst 2016 gave us a decent battle between their two drivers, no-one else was really in with a shout. Everyone complained endlessly about having to drive cautiously to stop their tyres wearing out too soon. Former champions were reduced to pedalling cars that were either slow and fragile (Alonso and Button’s McLarens) or dogged by poor strategy calls and a propensity to get into any accident going (Vettel & Raikkonen’s Ferraris). 2017’s season kicks off this weekend in Australia, and there are reaso...

Andy Murray may have ended the year as men’s world number 1, but there’s another Brit still fighting for the World Champion title in 2016. In any other year in Formula 1 history, Germany’s Nico Rosberg would already be a couple of weeks into celebrating his first title at the pinnacle of motorsport. He must be rueing F1’s decision to expand the 2016 championship from the previous season’s 20 races to 21, leaving him with one final battle against his team mate, and rival, Lewis Hamilton. Hamilton is 12 points behind, with 25 available for a win. There are various permutations that could see Lewis take his 4th title (and 3rd in a row) in the heat of Abu Dhabi. The headline-grabbing one is nice and simple though, and shows the level of challenge he faces – even if he wins, Rosberg needs only to come 3rd to take his first title. True, Hamilton has won the last couple of races, is at the top of his game, and may well be the most naturally gifted driver behind the wheel of a multi-...

What do you call two silver things that cost millions of pounds and keep crashing into each other? The Mercedes Formula 1 team. You’re right – that isn’t funny. Which is exactly how team boss Toto Wolff saw it when Nico Rosberg ‘forgot’ to turn into the corner on the last lap of the Austrian Grand Prix last week, causing his team-mate to crash into him on the very last lap. A sure-fire 1-2 finish turned into an acrimonious 4-1, as Hamilton took the win from Rosberg, and the chastened culprit limped home with a damaged car. Sure, it’s not exactly the world’s biggest problem, as the drivers remain 1st and 2nd in the championship title hunt, and the team themselves are comfortably leading the constructors’ table. But it does highlight a problem for them that refuses to go away; If these two highly-paid racers can’t play nicely, and the other teams catch up a little, they could well start taking each other out of two races – the one on the track, and the one for the title. And w...

OK, he probably wouldn’t have managed it if Rosberg & Hamilton hadn’t wound up in a gravel trap, but Max Verstappen bagged his first Formula 1 win last weekend. At the age of 18. I remember being pretty obsessed about things that meant a lot to me when I was 18. Getting into my ultra-skinny jeans took a lot of time, and getting out of them required degrees of skill and concentration that probably should have gained my some kind of award. Then there was the styling mousse. Back when I had luxurious locks, I was carrying around enough highly flammable material on my head that a stray spark could have taken out a small town. By the time he reached 18, ridiculously youthful Formula 1 star Max had already got nearly a full year of motor racing at the top level under his belt. At which point he was old enough to take his driving test. Racing since he was four and a half years old, Max appeared in F1 last year to a barrage of criticism about his age. There were some unforced err...

F1 – or “The Lewis Hamilton Show” as it should probably be called now - zooms back into action this weekend. Will it be exciting this year? Despite being a huge F1 fan, even I can see that it’s been, well... kind of dull the last couple of years. In 2014 it looked like a good battle was on the cards, and fellow Mecedes drivers Lewis Hamilton and Nico Rosberg did just that for most of the season, at times acrimoniously, before Brit Hamilton took his second title. Everyone else was left looking like they’d turned up for a heavy drinking session with a thimble-full of shandy. Last year it was a bit closer, with Ferrari’s Sebastien Vettel taking a few wins, but it was again the Hamilton & Rosberg show most of the time, with the blinged-up Lewis tying up title number three much earlier, and the entertaining personal conflict better suppressed by the team. So will the 2016 season, featuring a whopping 21 races, be another one dominated by Hamilton? The all-too-brief winter te...

A weekend of frantic sporting activity beckons, as I try to decide if I’ve got enough time to nip off and make another cuppa without missing any coverage of the British Grand Prix. For someone whose sporting knowledge outside of Formula 1 means knowing “there’s some tennis thing on”, it’s a very special weekend, as many of the UK’s F1 teams face their most arduous travelling experience of the year. In some cases, this logistical nightmare entails as much as half a mile’s journey, all the way to the Silverstone Circuit in Nottinghamshire. Having made the journey once myself, I can confirm that you do have to get up before you went to bed to ensure a good viewing point, and it is possible to get a sun-tan on one side of your body only - which is a useful conversation point if you run out of things to talk to colleagues about on Monday after they’ve got over the shock of how much you willingly paid for a T-shirt covered in sponsor logos. Whilst the season so far has largely featu...

It may only feel like last week that the Formula 1 season finished but, after a break so short the engines are probably still warm, it’s back this weekend. Much has happened off-track during the ever-decreasing winter break, including World Champion Lewis Hamilton winning the BBC TV Sports Personality of the Year award and having photos of himself plastered all over his Twitter account looking moody, stylish, and fashionable in shots so posed you could get a couple of quick laps of Monaco in whilst his entourage figured out if the lighting was flattering enough. The Caterham and Marussia teams went bust, got resurrected, went into receivership, were having their assets auctioned off (which sounds painful) , being brought out, saved, optimistic about the future and doomed, and all that before Christmas. The end result is that Caterham didn’t make it, whilst Marussia are now Manor and ready to roll with a hastily altered car from last year. Assuming the paint has dried in time, and...