grumpyf1

If you were wondering how you can tell the precise moment when you finally become officially middle aged, I can now reveal all. I just became chairman of our village’s Allotment Association. Please send my pipe and slippers immediately. After languishing on a waiting list that was even slower that the “Please hold – all our operators are busy” call waiting system of British Gas, we finally managed to get ourselves an allotment late in 2010. Our initial excitement was tempered somewhat when we went to the site, found the sign for our plot and thought it had been replaced by a reasonably large rainforest. Unfortunately, ill health meant Mrs. G wasn’t able to help as much through the winter as she would have liked (or that’s what she said, anyway) so I spent many a damp hour up there hopelessly poking frozen or waterlogged ground with a fork, and trying to remember my bearings and which direction the sun was in, so I could find my way out afterwards. In the early spring, I had...

Back in the deep, darkest swirling mists of time, a whole three years ago, I used to work at Kirkstone Quarries. I didn’t work for them though. I was in one of their buildings. But not working. Well, I was working, but not for them. And now they’ve gone bust. It wasn’t me, honest. Confused yet? Yeah – me too. Although that is a fairly common occurrence if you’re me. Which you’re not. At least, I’m pretty sure about that. Reasonably sure. Sure-ish. Anyway, digression has once again spread it’s diversionary pall over the second paragraph, so I’ll try and drag this back on track. Kirkstone Quarries, based in Skelwith Bridge near Ambleside, have gone into Receivership, and all the staff there have been made redundant. I’m saddened by this, as I did indeed work in the upper floor of one of their buildings, whist masquerading as a warehouse manager. I know – me, in charge of a warehouse! An upstairs warehouse – it has curly stairs too. Moving furniture was slightly tricky. Whe...

Hello, FF1-heads. Time once again for the random discarded front-wing end-plate that is The Other Stuff... Naughty corner: Surprisingly, that one goes to Das Sebulator, for his ill-tempered slagging off of Karthikeyan post-race. He’s normally such a nice chap too... Hero: Oh, come on. It couldn’t be anyone other than Perez, now could it? Stunning drive, and I genuinely think he could have got Alonso too. If he’s not in a Ferrari next year, I’ll eat my hat. The marshmallow one. Not the real one. I’m not as stupid as I look. Fantasy Formula 1 driver of the day was Alonso with a rain-assisted 39! Mark E retains his lead for a second race, having scored well with a budget team. 10% of the season gone – can he keep it up? Front to back gap – 532 points! That’s bigger than Coulthard’s jawbone! Best driver so far in FF1 land is Perez, with Rosberg, Maldonado, Massa, Grosjean and de la Rosa all, literally, pointless. Top team is Ferrari, with Mercedes dragging thei...

I can tell if a race is a good one. It’s when I realise my heart is beating fast. The alternative is that I’m in quite serious trouble, so I’m sticking with the F1 theory. This race had the blood circulating at a fairly alarming rate... The weekend was preceded by rumours that Massa might get replaced at Ferrari following a poor weekend in Australia. So lousy was it that Ferrari even replaced his chassis, in case it was that causing the problem. Mercedes were also in the spotlight for a frankly baffling bit of technology that fed air from the rear wing back over the surface of the car to the front wing. Nope – I’ve got absolutely no idea either. Lotus were on fire – literally, as their hospitality unit caught fire, burning Kimi’s helmet (insert inappropriate joke here). The Kimster also had a 5 place grid penalty hanging over him, following a gearbox change. HRT had a brilliant start to their weekend when they managed to show up without going bust, with 2 whole cars,...

He may be faintly reminiscent of a beaver, but blimey - is that Sergio Perez nippy! One of those dazzling races where the action seems non-stop, the Malaysian GP provided the kind of excitement level that almost made Kimi smile. Yes. It was THAT exciting. Great drive by Alonso, but it's no bad thing when you're gutted that a midfield team didn't manage to win. Me, not Fernando. I suspect he was quite chuffed. Maybe we can persuade him to get rid of that silly micro beard now. Anyway, enough of the wafflage - you want the scores on the imaginary doors! RACE RESULT Position Name Points 1 Steve M 95 2 Nigel 92 3 Ollie C 90 4 Martin R 87 5 Mark E 78 6 James 75 7 Tony's Mum 72 7 Jennifer 72 9 ...