Who's next for Doctor's appointment?

As Matt Smith prepares to leave the role, speculation about his replacement as Doctor Who has mostly skipped the sublime, and gone straight for the ridiculous.

With the 50th anniversary of the iconic BBC television show just around the corner, Matt Smith has just the Birthday bash episode and Christmas special to go, before he’s consigned to the Who Who’s Who of history. The media have gone increasingly bonkers with their ideas about who might get the coveted position, with even shouting-at-drummers-Queen-impersonator Dame Helen Mirren allegedly in the frame. John Hurt has also been suggested, which is hardly a feat of time-travelling clairvoyance, as he appeared at the end of the last episode. As The Doctor.

Still, I’d like to throw my hat (and long, multi-coloured scarf) into the ring, as I believe I’m eminently qualified. I own an actual screwdriver, and I have some quite clever Apps on my phone, so I reckon I’ve got the whole Sonic Screwdriver bit well covered. I have some interesting quirks to bring to the role too: Grouchiness, loud shirts, a nasty cappuccino addiction (the character needs more edginess), and I’m fluent in Dalek. By which I mean I can regularly be found at my allotment screaming ‘EXTERMINATE!’ In a high-pitched voice as I try dismally to battle against my nemesis, The Dandelions. I’ve also got four compost bins that look a lot like Daleks, especially if it’s dark, and you’ve had too much to drink.

I have a bona-fide claim to Whovian fame too. The regeneration of Tom Baker into Peter Davidson was filmed at the BBC’s Crowsley Park in Oxfordshire, where my Dad worked. I’ve actually seen the shed Tom stood against, and apparently they made the control room look more futuristic by adding a flashing light, and some silver foil. It certainly fooled me. I was convinced my Dad could travel in time until I was 23. It explained why he was always wearing a green woolly hat.

My niece was bereft when the rather lovely David Tennant left the role, replaced by the “floppy-haired frog” Smith, but she was only going through the same thing most of us have – favourite Doctor withdrawal. Remarkably, anyone, even into their sixties, has probably experienced this. The show has been around longer than most of us, and continues to go from strength to strength since it’s regeneration into a show with decent special effects in 2005.

The general consensus on who lands the coolest job on TV seems to be that they’ll be female, or black, or both. Or not. It seems that only current producer, Stephen Moffat, really knows what we’ll get, and I’m pretty sure he’s saving that surprise for a bit longer. We’ll find out for definite in the Christmas special, although I suspect we’ll know before that.

One day, I shall come back. Yes, I shall come back - probably next Friday. In the meantime, does anyone want a Jelly Baby...?

This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on the 7th of June 2013. You can read the version used by the paper here

They chose to rename it "Who's in for bash at top Sci-Fi role", which is obviously their call. On this occasion, I thought mine was cleverer... but being a smug Sci-Fi nerd doesn't get you anywhere does it? Definitely not within 20 feet of actual women, that's for sure. Somewhere along the line it lost 10 words, but I'm damned if I can figure out where.

(Tunes on this lovely sunny day are from They Might Be Giants, and the brilliant "Dial-A-Song: 20 Years Of". Stormy Pinkness!)

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