Time for a five star rating system

For a long time now we’ve used the traditional rating method involving stars - One is bad, five is good.

I’m a bit bored with that to be honest, so just in time for Christmas, I’m proposing we adopt a new, more entertaining, system.

It’s true that we need some way of expressing our happiness using something that’s simple to understand, and the five star system has served us well (at least until the frightening lycra and spangly -bits band of the same name showed up in the late ‘80s).

The problem is, it’s all a bit dull, and you never really know if someone is using more than the recommended five. Or less, maybe. Is the fact that your darling little tyke has got a gold star for that drawing of an orange starfish (or was it the sun?) good? Or was it out of five?

The system is corrupt too – top hotels now claim to have six-star levels of plushness. Once again, I’ve felt the need to seek assistance from a wise nine-ish year old called Rebecca to come up with a universal system to clearly show what’s good and what patently isn’t. Here we go then...

“Pants” (formerly one star): Signifies really rubbish things – when your alarm clock goes off at 6.45 on a dark winter’s morning; terrible food in a restaurant; anybody who’s ever appeared on the X-Factor. And celery.

“Pantish” (formerly two stars): A bit better, but still fairly disappointing – burgers that look like a sad, squashed, damp version of the one in the picture at McDonalds; free gifts in magazines; Keane’s last album. And Fearne Cotton.

“Uh-huh” (formerly three stars): Not bad, but not great either – most Christmas Specials on TV (with the possible exception of Doctor Who); diet versions of fizzy drinks; chocolate that isn’t made by Cadbury. And most Cumbrian summers.

“Coolio” (formerly four stars): Pretty darn good, but not quite perfect – Star Trek: Voyager (Seven of Nine - good... oh, sorry. I drifted off a bit there...); chocolate digestives, Sheena Easton circa 1981. And Ben & Jerry’s ice cream (Phish Food).

“Epic” (formerly five stars): The knees of the bees! Couldn’t be any better! – Chocolate Hob-Nobs, ELO’s “Out Of Blue” album, cappuccinos. And this rating system.

Just think how this will revolutionise descriptions of things from now on! Nick Robinson, standing outside number 10, saying “The PM’s fiscal policy for economic recovery is, according to insiders, pantish to say the least”; Your hotel describing itself as giving you coolio levels of luxury; The new Rolling Stones album reviewed simply as “uh-huh”.

True, it’s going to take up a bit more space in the newspaper, but sacrifices have to be made, people! It’s for the greater good!

It’s going to be an epic experience.

Have a pants-free weekend.

If you can.

This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 14th December 2012. This is the unedited version - you can view the printed/online version here The paper decided on "Time for an overhaul of our rating system" as the title, which is Coolio, but not quite Epic.

47 words went missing this time, including the reference to McDonalds and Seven of Nine. Go figure.

My almost-nine friend Rebecca has subsequently informed me by twitter that it should have been "Good Enough" and "Cool" for 3 and 4 stars respectively, but to be fair, we did have the conversation a month ago, and my memory is atrocious, so... sorry - what were we talking about?

(Tunes tonight courtesy of Robert Palmer's "Addictions Volume 2".)

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