Skip to main content

The Regeneration Game

Image
By
[INTERNET MELTS]

Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker.

CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED. Scene: Interior, TARDIS.

Doctor: Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man! (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS!

Assistant: Really? Everybody else was.

Doctor: Strange, I don’t remember you. Nice antennae!

Assistant: They’re not antennae. (Assistant winks.)

Doctor: Crikey!

(TARDIS alarm chimes ominously. Everything looks shaky whilst the Doctor and Assistant cling to the console.)

Doctor: Ooo, exciting! I think we’re crashing! CRIKEY!

Scene: Exterior shot of TARDIS . Door opens and the Doctor and Assistant stumble out. Sounds of angry mob approaching. 

Doctor: I haven’t even had time to change – these Y-fronts are bloody uncomfortable. Who are these people anyway?

Assistant: Oh, no – Doctor, it’s the Manbabies!

(A portly white male approaches – 50ish, balding, wearing a Star Trek T-shirt that’s one size too small, with curry stains on.)

Manbaby 1: We’re not pleased at all! You can’t be a woman!

Doctor: Easy, tiger! I sneaked a peek whilst we were crashing. It was a bit of a shock, but... let’s just say the jelly babies aren’t there anymore.

(A second male, out of breath and with a ponytail and thick glasses, waves his fist at the Doctor.)

Manbaby 2: I’ve followed you all my life! Ignoring the fact that science fiction is turning the tide of gender stereotyping with strong female role models like that one in the Star Wars Film...

Manbaby 1: Rey.

Manbaby 2: Dave! – I’ve got this... and Wonder Woman, I can only say that I feel it beholden upon me to express my deep annoyance at this switch in gender which was never even alluded to in the original...

Doctor: Is this going to take much longer? I think I can feel another regeneration coming on.

Manbaby 2: ...Gallifreyan mythology, nor has it, in fact, appeared in any of the audio versions, or the books, which just...

Manbaby 1: Wasn’t the Doctor half-female in “The Sexily Confused Timelord”?

Manbaby 2: By Spock’s Beard, Dave! That was FanFic! We talked about this. SHE CAN’T BE THE DOCTOR!

Assistant: So, despite the fact that the Doctor is an alien, immortal, travels through space and time in a police box that’s bigger on the inside, and can regenerate into someone else altogether, they can’t be a woman?

Manbaby 1 & 2 together: Exactly!

Doctor: But, Assistant here is a green, androgynous, gender-fluid alien with - how can I put this - their sexy bits on their head and that’s not a problem?

Manbaby 1: No, of course not.

Doctor: It’s the 21st century, and you’re saying a Timelord has to be a bloke? You do realise that’s insane, right? Are you scared of talking to women or something?

(The manbabies look at each other, the sand, sea – anywhere but at the Doctor).

Doctor: Oh... I get it now. Crikey!

Assistant: I’m The Master, by the way. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Doctor: Now that’s just ridiculous...

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in The Mail, on the 21st of July 2017. The version used on their website was re-titled as "My Doctor Who script", whilst the print edition became "Just what The Doctor ordered?".

 Both versions had a surprising addition to what you see above... the contents of my email submitting the column! Obviously feeling they needed some kind of explanation as to why a spoof science fiction show script was appearing in their Opinion section, they added my introductory "As a confirmed nerd, I was forced to watch a lot of tennis last weekend to find out who would be the next Doctor Who. Plenty has been written about Doc 13 being a woman, so I thought I'd take a different approach." They did ask if that was OK first.

 I was concerned that all the short sentences would mean this wouldn't fit the column space, but happily it seemed to slot in just fine.

 My original plan here was to write a piece about Jodie Whittaker being announced as the next Doctor, and the furore this seemed to be causing amongst some people. I even had notes. At the last moment, the idea of making it a script wandered into my head, and by the time I'd shooed it away, I'd written 800 words... 300 over the quantity needed.

 It took at least as long to edit it and re-write some of it as it did to come up with it in the first place, so this one took a lot of work. I am pleased with it though, but suspect it's lost on a lot of people.

 The longer version still exists. Fancy it? OK... I'll post it soon.

(CD A-Z: Queen's very first, eponymous, outing!)
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A very modern malady

By
Hello. I’m Doctor Grenville, and I’m here today to talk to you about SSS – or “Sad Selfie Syndrome”, to give it it’s full medical name. I’m a fully qualified medical doctor thing – I’ve got a PhD from Queens University Academy College Kendal (or “QUACK” for short) to prove it. That means it’s OK for me to talk to you about a very sensitive subject today and stroke your knee. Soothing, no? In my many years of medicinalising practice, I’ve come across some terrible afflictions. I’ve seen Achey Breaky Heart, Kneesles (where you get an itchy rash on your kneecaps) and even a very rare case of the Mercedes Benz. But recently I started seeing shocking images, on social media, graphically showing the devastating results of SSS. If you haven’t heard of it before, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of what happens to the victims, who are mostly under the age of 30. We’ve already come to understand the irrational, overwhelming need for some amongst this group to photograph everythin...
Post a Comment
Read more

Faking it for real

By
As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...
Post a Comment
Read more

Fantasy Formula 1 - Hungary Results

By
Sometimes there's a wonderful "huh?" moment in F1. Today's was when the lights didn't go to red at the start, but flashed green and yellow. I'm sure all the drivers are briefed, and everyone knows the drill, but they all just sat there - no-one wanted to be the first to move. In the most high-tech sport in the world, it took Charlie Whiting waving at them to make them go. To be honest, it wasn't the most thrilling of races, but Happy Hamilton "The slow boys won't get out of my way! It's not fair! Boohoohooo - I'm telling Charlie!" winning does mean the front end of the points table still looks deliciously tight. What we really need now, as the excitement level ramps up, is.... to take 5 weeks off. Dammit. Still, to keep you occupied, I want you to memorise the points you all scored today. It's easy to remember mine. I came last... RACE RESULT Position Name Point...
Post a Comment
Read more