The Regeneration Game

[INTERNET MELTS]

Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker.

CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED. Scene: Interior, TARDIS.

Doctor: Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man! (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS!

Assistant: Really? Everybody else was.

Doctor: Strange, I don’t remember you. Nice antennae!

Assistant: They’re not antennae. (Assistant winks.)

Doctor: Crikey!

(TARDIS alarm chimes ominously. Everything looks shaky whilst the Doctor and Assistant cling to the console.)

Doctor: Ooo, exciting! I think we’re crashing! CRIKEY!

Scene: Exterior shot of TARDIS . Door opens and the Doctor and Assistant stumble out. Sounds of angry mob approaching. 

Doctor: I haven’t even had time to change – these Y-fronts are bloody uncomfortable. Who are these people anyway?

Assistant: Oh, no – Doctor, it’s the Manbabies!

(A portly white male approaches – 50ish, balding, wearing a Star Trek T-shirt that’s one size too small, with curry stains on.)

Manbaby 1: We’re not pleased at all! You can’t be a woman!

Doctor: Easy, tiger! I sneaked a peek whilst we were crashing. It was a bit of a shock, but... let’s just say the jelly babies aren’t there anymore.

(A second male, out of breath and with a ponytail and thick glasses, waves his fist at the Doctor.)

Manbaby 2: I’ve followed you all my life! Ignoring the fact that science fiction is turning the tide of gender stereotyping with strong female role models like that one in the Star Wars Film...

Manbaby 1: Rey.

Manbaby 2: Dave! – I’ve got this... and Wonder Woman, I can only say that I feel it beholden upon me to express my deep annoyance at this switch in gender which was never even alluded to in the original...

Doctor: Is this going to take much longer? I think I can feel another regeneration coming on.

Manbaby 2: ...Gallifreyan mythology, nor has it, in fact, appeared in any of the audio versions, or the books, which just...

Manbaby 1: Wasn’t the Doctor half-female in “The Sexily Confused Timelord”?

Manbaby 2: By Spock’s Beard, Dave! That was FanFic! We talked about this. SHE CAN’T BE THE DOCTOR!

Assistant: So, despite the fact that the Doctor is an alien, immortal, travels through space and time in a police box that’s bigger on the inside, and can regenerate into someone else altogether, they can’t be a woman?

Manbaby 1 & 2 together: Exactly!

Doctor: But, Assistant here is a green, androgynous, gender-fluid alien with - how can I put this - their sexy bits on their head and that’s not a problem?

Manbaby 1: No, of course not.

Doctor: It’s the 21st century, and you’re saying a Timelord has to be a bloke? You do realise that’s insane, right? Are you scared of talking to women or something?

(The manbabies look at each other, the sand, sea – anywhere but at the Doctor).

Doctor: Oh... I get it now. Crikey!

Assistant: I’m The Master, by the way. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

Doctor: Now that’s just ridiculous...

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in The Mail, on the 21st of July 2017. The version used on their website was re-titled as "My Doctor Who script", whilst the print edition became "Just what The Doctor ordered?".

Both versions had a surprising addition to what you see above... the contents of my email submitting the column! Obviously feeling they needed some kind of explanation as to why a spoof science fiction show script was appearing in their Opinion section, they added my introductory "As a confirmed nerd, I was forced to watch a lot of tennis last weekend to find out who would be the next Doctor Who. Plenty has been written about Doc 13 being a woman, so I thought I'd take a different approach." They did ask if that was OK first.

I was concerned that all the short sentences would mean this wouldn't fit the column space, but happily it seemed to slot in just fine.

My original plan here was to write a piece about Jodie Whittaker being announced as the next Doctor, and the furore this seemed to be causing amongst some people. I even had notes. At the last moment, the idea of making it a script wandered into my head, and by the time I'd shooed it away, I'd written 800 words... 300 over the quantity needed.

It took at least as long to edit it and re-write some of it as it did to come up with it in the first place, so this one took a lot of work. I am pleased with it though, but suspect it's lost on a lot of people.

The longer version still exists. Fancy it? OK... I'll post it soon.

(CD A-Z: Queen's very first, eponymous, outing!)