Skip to main content

Panic at the disco

Put your hooves in the aiiiiir!!!

The last time I went to a club, it was during the stag-do of a work colleague.

As far as I could tell, there was one tune on permanent loop, and we conversed by sending each other text message whilst imbibing some ridiculously expensive drinks.

I definitely don’t remember seeing any horses. Come to think of it, during my entire (admittedly limited) experience of going to clubs, I never even saw a small pony, let alone a large white horse with a scantily clad woman on it’s back.

Apparently, that isn’t the case in Florida, where exactly that bizarre thing happened in a Miami Beach nightclub. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it didn’t end well.

Without the DJ even yelling “put your hoofs in the aiiiir!”, the under-dressed rider struggled to maintain control of the frightened creature, and was thrown off before the distressed horse thrashed about, causing panic amongst the assembled club patrons.

What happened to the horse riding raver and her unfortunate equine companion, is unclear. Unfortunately for the club, they won’t even be able to allow a hamster to do a bit of body-popping on the dancefloor, as the local mayor and city manager have revoked their licence, saying that this kind of activity “was not permitted”.

I’d imagine there isn’t a specific rule that says you can’t ride a horse into a club wearing only your skimpies, but the clear animal cruelty involved, and risk to the safety of the public, were sufficiently obvious. There is no truth in the rumour that the horse requested anything by Ride.

This post first appeared as the second piece in my column/page in The Mail and the News & Star, on the 16th of March 2018.

Great story. Somebody obviously thought this was a good idea...

(CD A-Z: XTC's "English Settlement".)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Unstable Stables: Throw away the key

It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...