A very modern malady

Hello. I’m Doctor Grenville, and I’m here today to talk to you about SSS – or “Sad Selfie Syndrome”, to give it it’s full medical name.

I’m a fully qualified medical doctor thing – I’ve got a PhD from Queens University Academy College Kendal (or “QUACK” for short) to prove it. That means it’s OK for me to talk to you about a very sensitive subject today and stroke your knee. Soothing, no?

In my many years of medicinalising practice, I’ve come across some terrible afflictions. I’ve seen Achey Breaky Heart, Kneesles (where you get an itchy rash on your kneecaps) and even a very rare case of the Mercedes Benz.

But recently I started seeing shocking images, on social media, graphically showing the devastating results of SSS. If you haven’t heard of it before, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of what happens to the victims, who are mostly under the age of 30.

We’ve already come to understand the irrational, overwhelming need for some amongst this group to photograph everything they do and post it on Instagram or Twitter, including such bizarre behaviour as taking pictures or videos of themselves reacting to an “epic reveal” on their favourite TV show, eating something strange, or, in the most extreme cases, simply because they happen to be awake.

A flat battery, loss of phone signal or a slow wifi connection have been known to send some sufferers into a state of panic that, mercifully, usually only lasts about as long as their attention span.

Many of these selfies seem to also show evidence of severe facial muscle contractions, known in medical circles as “Duck Face”, where the afflicted seem to be attempting to pout their own lips off in a desperate attempt to look sexy or cool.

When I took my Hiphopcractic Oath, I swore quite a lot because I’d just got a nasty paper cut from the certificate. I also promised that I would do whatever I could to help, but I fear SSS may be an incurable mutation set to devastate our young.

Upsetting images show SSS sufferers receiving bad news, who are often tearful, but still have the presence of mind to take a selfie and share it to show just how upset they are.

I’ve even seem images where the sad person has not only snapped themselves whilst crying, but also got their friend to take one too, just to make sure they had a close up, and a wider shot to show themselves looking forlorn in-situ.

They need our help. If you can spare £5 today, please send it to me in a plain envelope, and I’ll do my very best not to spend it on a chocolate muffin or extra large cappuccino. £10 could really make a delicious. Sorry - difference. Thank you.

If you have been affected by any of the issues in this item, please Instagram a photo of yourself looking upset about it now. Or, alternatively, put your phone down for a moment and get a bloody grip.

This post first first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 29th of April 2016, where it was retitled as "Snap out of selfie habit".

If I did have any audience that were born this century, then I've almost certainly lost them now, haven't I?

Just to prove what a fickle thing the internet can be, in the space of two months I've crashed from the highest number of monthly views ever, to April achieving the lowest figure since September 2011. Such is (online) life, I guess.

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