Skip to main content

We're all just one photo booth away from mass murder...


You may remember I got a bit, well, uptight about having to have my driving licence renewed simply because my photo was ten years old.

Since then, I have discovered that, if you haven't moved house (or changed name, or sex or er... some other stuff) you haven't ever had to have applied for a photocard driving licence. Which means, in terms of being able to identify that the driving licence is yours you simply have to know the name and address on it (and assumingly be appropriately male or female). So I'm paying out AGAIN for something that some people don't even need to have. What's that weird noise? Oh... it's my teeth grinding.

Anyway, I went to Tesco's today (and inadvertently spent over £100 on shopping when we didn't actually have more than 10 things on the shopping list - but that's another story) and got the photo done.

Gone are the days of getting four attempts to look good and then waiting 10 minutes for a damp piece of photo paper. Now it's all computer wizardry and a laser printer. Mind you, technology can't sort out one thing; Any photo you have taken in a photo booth comes out looking like it should have a prison number underneath. When did I stop being young, vibrant and handsome and turn into the scary psychopath in my photo? And when did I suddenly age 10 years? I swear I was in my 40's when I arrived at Tesco's. Why's there a balding, pudgy mad-eyed murderer in my picture?! Wah!

I now feel sympathy for all those individuals on the news - you know the sort of thing; "A man was arrested today for the viscous assault on an elderly lady and her hamster" - cue picture of evil looking bastard. I now know that aforementioned nutter probably looked perfectly normal in the mirror when he had a shower that morning. By the time his photo-booth picture made the news, we all looked at it and thought "yeah - look at him... obviously guilty. Look at his sinister features".

And now I have to live with an evil, twisted goblin looking back at me from my driving licence for the next decade.

It's not right, I tell you...

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A very modern malady

Hello. I’m Doctor Grenville, and I’m here today to talk to you about SSS – or “Sad Selfie Syndrome”, to give it it’s full medical name. I’m a fully qualified medical doctor thing – I’ve got a PhD from Queens University Academy College Kendal (or “QUACK” for short) to prove it. That means it’s OK for me to talk to you about a very sensitive subject today and stroke your knee. Soothing, no? In my many years of medicinalising practice, I’ve come across some terrible afflictions. I’ve seen Achey Breaky Heart, Kneesles (where you get an itchy rash on your kneecaps) and even a very rare case of the Mercedes Benz. But recently I started seeing shocking images, on social media, graphically showing the devastating results of SSS. If you haven’t heard of it before, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of what happens to the victims, who are mostly under the age of 30. We’ve already come to understand the irrational, overwhelming need for some amongst this group to photograph everythin...

Fantasy Formula 1 - Hungary Results

Sometimes there's a wonderful "huh?" moment in F1. Today's was when the lights didn't go to red at the start, but flashed green and yellow. I'm sure all the drivers are briefed, and everyone knows the drill, but they all just sat there - no-one wanted to be the first to move. In the most high-tech sport in the world, it took Charlie Whiting waving at them to make them go. To be honest, it wasn't the most thrilling of races, but Happy Hamilton "The slow boys won't get out of my way! It's not fair! Boohoohooo - I'm telling Charlie!" winning does mean the front end of the points table still looks deliciously tight. What we really need now, as the excitement level ramps up, is.... to take 5 weeks off. Dammit. Still, to keep you occupied, I want you to memorise the points you all scored today. It's easy to remember mine. I came last... RACE RESULT Position Name Point...

Welcome to Costa del Barrow

Feel that sudden chill in the air? It’s winter, heading this way. Or you’ve left the fridge door open. One of those, definitely. According to people with the word ‘meteorologist’ somewhere in their job title, it has been the driest September since records began. Hardly surprising, really – the wettest winter on record immediately beforehand almost certainly used up all the available rain in the sky early (Note to self: check the sciencey stuff, it doesn’t sound quite right). With just 20% of the normal rainfall of the most Septembery of months, 2014 trounced the previous record holder, good old 1959. Whilst this may have led to less plump courgettes, and parched blue tits mugging you for your bottle of mineral water, it does have a beneficial side-effect: Your granddad will finally have to stop saying “Dry? You don’t know what dry is! When I were but a lad...” Clearly disappointing for grandpops, especially so soon after the “Wet winter? Pah! When I were but a lad...” sto...