Thank cheery it's Christmas!

Ho ho ho!

As there are just a few days left until Santa’s Birthday, I decided this column should eschew its usual grumpiness, and be purely joyful. I know - Brace yourself.

Well now, this shouldn’t be too tricky, eh? There’s so much to be thankful for at this time of year!

I just bet you’re all looking forward to spending lots of extra time with family that you don’t see the rest of the year – especially the in-laws, eh? That’ll be super!

And won’t it be great to spend lots of time in the kitchen? What a great chance to learn how to cook things you don’t normally have to contend with, in very large quantities. That kind of opportunity only comes at this time of year. Plus, you get to have distant members of the clan that you barely know give you their very direct review of your efforts. What an opportunity to learn from the experts – it’ll be just like Masterchef.

There’s still time to hear more of those Christmas classics in all the shops you visit before the big day too. Who can’t get enough of “Deck The Halls” playing loudly wherever you go? You can tell by all the faces of the staff in the shops that they’re enjoying it too. It’s tough not to cry with happiness when you’re filled with such inner joy at hearing “Ding Dong Merrily On High” on loop since September. That’s why they aren’t smiling; it might tip them over the edge.

Have you seen the Christmas TV guide too? Wow! I never thought I’d get to see Mama Mia again, or The Sound Of Music. And I desperately wanted to see the 2012 Xmas Special of “Outnumbered” again because it was just SO hilarious last year. And who doesn’t want all the Alien films on consecutive nights again! Nothing could be more jolly that seeing Sigourney Weaver being slobbered over by a genetically modified crocus with an attitude problem.

You just can’t beat the thrill of knowing that your Christmas present for your Nephews and Nieces can’t possibly be bettered by your richer relatives. All kids are happy with a nice T-shirts and some colouring pencils. No self-respecting child I know would be easily fooled by a ton of chocolate, and the latest iPhone or Xbox.

And what about the super new trend of wearing Christmas-themed jumpers all the time! Once, you’d have been sneered at for looking like an idiot, but now everyone is wearing them, and you’re the idiot if you haven’t got one.

Ha! Ha ha! HA HA HA! Make it stop! IT HURTS!

Had I told you that I was recently stopped by the police? They were very interested in the large quantity of delicious German fruit cake containing dried fruit and marzipan and covered in icing sugar, which I had recently taken delivery of, on the back seat of my car.

I’m being charged with receiving stollen goods.

Happy Christmas.

This column possibly first appeared as my "Thank Grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail, on the 20th of December 2013. It hasn't made it to their website yet, so we'll have to assume it went in the paper, unless my trying to be jolly freaked them out too much, and they thought I'd been kidnapped by elves and forced to write it, with the injection of sarcasm and cynicism my coded cry for help.

By the way, the joke it all mine. Having said that, it seems so obvious that someone else must have got there before me.

To you, dear blog reader, I genuinely do wish a very Happy Christmas.

(Continued compilationess: "The Greatest No.1 Singles". I'll be the judge of that, thank you very much. Boyzone? You are bloody joking, right..?)