Droning on about flying deliveries

Once upon a time, you decided you wanted something, went to a shop, and purchased it.

Soon it might be delivered by unmanned stealth aircraft.

When Tim Berners-Lee got fed up with TVs not being interactive enough, he decided to hook them up to some phone wire, attach the gubbins out of a couple of digital watches, took a few visual clues from Teletext, and the next thing you know, you’re watching an entire series of The Sweeney on your tablet from the comfort of your train seat, whilst annoying other passengers.

Alternatively, you might be complaining vociferously on facebook about what an absolute chore it is doing the Christmas shopping, when you have had to look at literally several websites, before adding something to your basket and clicking ‘buy’.

One the biggest companies to rub its hands in glee at all of our online shopping is Amazon who, despite some questionable ethics regarding tax (non) payments, and a documentary singling them out as particularly unpleasant clock-watching despots to their lowly paid staff, will nonetheless be buying additional virtual wheelbarrows to shift all their electronic cash to their online, offshore, bank.

I’ve witnessed first-hand how fast stuff can be delivered, having ordered Sheena Easton’s Greatest Hits (to be delivered in plain brown packaging) at 10pm at night, and discovered the CD waiting patiently on the doormat when I got home from work the next day. And that’s just regular delivery, not an Express, Prime, 1st Class or even Courier delivery. I can only guess that one of those would have seen Sheena smiling seductively from the album cover at me over my cornflakes.

But what if I needed Sheena even faster than that? What if I needed a fix of the first TV reality star within, say, half an hour? Well, it seems Amazon have anticipated my every wish, and may soon be able to fly Ms Easton to me (assumingly marked For Your Eyes Only) by the kind of unmanned drone usually reserved for war zones.

This seems to be a plan with hardly any flaws. The sky looks pretty empty round here (except for those big hill things), so why not clutter it up with remote-controlled aircraft, just so I can get something I want even faster?

There’s virtually no risk of them losing their signal in Cumbria, crashing into something tall and rocky, or upsetting innocent birdies, and it’s so sparsely populated round here, there’s little chance of them crashing into a drone-mate delivering a Friends box set to someone in Millom.

Of course, the gentle prevailing breeze that wanders in off the sea at Arnside might see my Sheena in the arms of a strange man in Kendal, but hey – she’s a Modern Girl.

I’d like to patent the idea of the Time Adjusted Reality Delivery Inversion System (or TARDIS for short), and have Sheena here 10 minutes before I thought of ordering.

The CD, obviously. Not Sheena herself. Although, circa 1981...

This post first appeared as my "Thank Grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 6th of December 2013. I'd give you a link to the version used on their website, but it hasn't made it on there yet.

I did receive the print edition yesterday (Post Office must have extra staff on for Christmas) and it looks like some of my heavier sarcasm about Amazon was removed. Not a surprise really, perhaps if I was at the Jeremy Clarkson on Piers Morgan level of being able to say what the hell I like, and be controversial, it would have stayed in. Can't blame the NWEM for dropping it though - I am but a lowly, unpaid, columnist, so annoying gigantic global companies is probably an unwise move for them.

Last week's column did eventually make it to the paper's website, so hopefully this one will too, eventually...

(Compilation CD? But of course! Today its an interesting 1986 set called "Formula Thirty 2", featuring a splendid skwodge of tunes from '78 to '86, which is clearly the greatest period of popular music ever.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

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Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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