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Is it foggy? No.

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When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler.

I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects.

Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced:

grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git.

Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you.

This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the gradual erosion of common sense, and the fact that stupid and arrogant people are allowed to breed.

Yes, it is possible that some people just forget to turn them off, but the bloody great big light on your dashboard should alert you to that, you muppet. I suspect there are just a large quantity of selfish people who think they need a bit more light when its dark. Or raining. Or very slightly misty.

I've got some news for these people: No. No you don't. It makes bugger all difference to what you can see, and makes it worse in the rain, rather than better. But even if it DID help you a teensy bit, the fact that you're blinding EVERY SINGLE CAR THAT COMES THE OTHER WAY far outweighs any very slight benefit you might get.

It's already against the highway code to use fog lights unless the visibility is markedly reduced, and I'm increasing the penalty for mis-use.

Sentence: For using your fog lights at an inappropriate time (the clue is in the name, after all), the following will be applied:

The arresting office will remove you from your car to a distance where you will be very well illuminated by your own fog lights, and you will be asked to remove your trousers and then spanked, for no less than 15 seconds. Double that if you're in an Audi or Range Rover.

You will not be allowed to use your vehicle for a period of  one whole season (as it doesn't seem to change that much in Cumbria, we'll say 3 months) after the hours of darkness.

The bonnet, boot, and sides of your vehicle will be adorned with signage, readable at a distance dictated by the length at which your fog lights still annoy, saying "I am a fog light sinner. Please wave two fingers at me and call me a pillock". And wear a T-shirt saying the same thing.

A fine will also be levied: 10% of your wages for the next year. That way rich tossers don't get away with it lightly.

2nd offence: You are clearly a menace to society of the highest order. The same applies, except the wage penalty goes up to 25%, and you are prevented from having children by whatever means is the most embarrassing, so that you can't pass on your genetic arrogance to the next generation. God knows they're bad enough anyway, without adding to the general state of the nation.

I think that's fair, don't you?

You may now bow, and walk out of the room backwards.

Your benevolent leader has spoken.

(Joyous leadership enhanced by a spot of Bo Diddly's "Jungle Music".)

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