grumpyf1

God bless America – Their citizens’ inventiveness gave us the lightbulb, the washing machine and the microwave oven. But they can have Black Friday back. No thanks, y’all! Without their inventions, I would be unable to see the washing machine into which I need to put my shirt after spilling my reheated curry on it. They really did think of everything. Unfortunately, they also came up with Black Friday, which (unless you’ve shut yourself in a windowless void, free of the internet, TV, and all human contact) you can’t fail to have noticed is happening right now, all around you, and possibly involving you. Not so very long ago, life was simple when it came to the sales; you hung on until after Christmas, or even the New Year, and shops sold excess stock cheaply. Then some started having sales at other times of the year too, DFS decided to throw the regular prices handbook in the bin altogether, internet retail got all clever and suddenly we’re being invaded by Black Friday, Cyber ...

The atrocious weather of just a week ago brought home the pressing need to come up with an economic and effective way to prevent flooding.  Fear not – I have a solution! To say it was a bit damp last weekend would be an understatement similar in magnitude to me saying I’m receding a teensy bit. So heavy was the rain that it wouldn’t have been a surprise to hear a report of otters calling it a day and heading for somewhere dry indoors, preferably with under-floor heating. Whilst many people and their homes were affected, it appears that overall we had a very near miss, with towns such as Kendal escaping serious flooding by a matter of a few watery inches. Although it seems we are temporarily through with the intense liquid onslaught, the now waterlogged ground once again leaves us at the mercy of any impending low pressure wandering into the area with prolonged downpours on it’s cloudy mind. In an attempt to try and come up with a solution to this problem, I had a brai...

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

Hard to believe I know, but there is actually something out of this world and popular with nerds that is older than me - just.  Star Trek hits 50 next year and will be beaming back onto the big screen and TV. Apart from the building excitement about me arriving, 1966 had another major event that resonates through to today and still gets talked about in pubs, with its devotees reminiscing about the good old days and comparing their favourite moments and heroes. Yes, the first episode of Science Fiction TV show Star Trek aired (There was some footbally-thing too, I believe). Only moderately successful first time around, the adventures of Kirk, Spock, Bones and the rest of the Starship Enterprise’s crew were the creation of Gene Roddenberry, who marketed his multi-cultural story of humans, aliens, and their peaceful, humanitarian, exploits amongst the stars as a kind of Western set in deep space. The original three series reflected the moral, cultural and political themes of...

It’s been a calamitous week for the carnivorous, with the alarming news that processed meats can cause cancer. According to the World Health Organisation, processed meats such as bacon (Ooo, yum), sausages (Mmmm...) and ham (Yes, please!) do cause cancer. Oh – suddenly, I’m not quite so hungry. This news is worse than discovering that the love of your life has been cheating on you – you can get another ‘significant other’, but bacon? That’s irreplaceable. Still, I can have a burger, right? No? Damn. I think I just heard some vegetarians sniggering. ‘Processed’ means anything treated to extend it’s shelf-life, including smoking, curing, or adding salt or preservatives. Frighteningly, the WHO says that 50g of processed meat per day increases the risk of colorectal cancer by 18%. That’s a measly two rashers of bacon. At the weekend I had a bacon sarnie for breakfast, a ham sandwich for lunch and sausage casserole for dinner – I’m surprised I’m still around to write this column (...

Is it still light out?  Well, enjoy it while you can because at the weekend gloom time arrives, and there’s nothing we can do about it until Spring. If you were looking for a nice, cheery, introduction, then you’re in to the wrong place. For the next four months or so, I’m declaring this column a sanctuary for those affected by WIMPEY (Winter Irritates Me Practically Every Year) Syndrome. For fellow sufferers, the impending clocks-going-backness that occurs this weekend is a depressing alarm call, ringing in the debilitating fact that it’ll be dark at 5pm until March, Halloween is lurking ominously round the corner in a cheap mask from Tesco, and it’s mere days away from the Daily Mail carrying a “Weather Bomb/Worst Winter For a Generation” headline to make us feel even more forlorn. Thanks to the brilliant decision to shove the clocks back by an hour, those afflicted by the unfortunate problem of a 9-5 job will no longer get to see the beautiful autumn colours. No, thank...

It’s been said that history is written by the winners.  That may be true, but if you pop to South Korea, you’ll soon find it has been penned by the government. I didn’t really enjoy history lessons at school. Well, it was all a very long time ago (History, and school, now that I come to think about it). So much so, that I can’t even remember the name of the teacher who attempted, in vain, to get me interested in stuff that happened before Multi-Coloured Swap Shop, or (at a push) The Beatles. In my defence, If you’re going to put the dingy portakabin used for attempting education right next to the playing fields, that’s a sure fire way of guaranteeing a lack of attention that would make the recently deceased seem keen. Nearly four decades later, I can see why having an office with the structural potency of a shed next to a field might still not be the greatest idea for keeping my... uh... mind... you know... Ooh! Sheep! Where were we? South Korea, that’s right. You woul...