The Black Friday Blues

God bless America – Their citizens’ inventiveness gave us the lightbulb, the washing machine and the microwave oven. But they can have Black Friday back. No thanks, y’all!

Without their inventions, I would be unable to see the washing machine into which I need to put my shirt after spilling my reheated curry on it. They really did think of everything.

Unfortunately, they also came up with Black Friday, which (unless you’ve shut yourself in a windowless void, free of the internet, TV, and all human contact) you can’t fail to have noticed is happening right now, all around you, and possibly involving you.

Not so very long ago, life was simple when it came to the sales; you hung on until after Christmas, or even the New Year, and shops sold excess stock cheaply. Then some started having sales at other times of the year too, DFS decided to throw the regular prices handbook in the bin altogether, internet retail got all clever and suddenly we’re being invaded by Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and the Rolling Stones have been reporting a Ruby Tuesday too.

As most of the UK struggles with the concept of Thanksgiving, working out when Black Friday is gets rather complicated. Helpfully, almost every major retailer has been busily bombarding us with messages about it for weeks now, letting us know that they’re dropping their prices, allowing us plenty of time to prepare to drop our moral standards and manners as we fight in an unseemly manner over a mega-bargain TV screen so big you need to stand in the next town to see all of it at once.

Now the largest shopping day of the year, a 24-hour frenzy of purchasing online and in the discomfort of retail emporiums will see us bargain-obsessed masses part with an estimated £1.3 billion. By anyone’s reckoning, that’s quite a few iPads, kettles and latest mobile phones.

Last year, Amazon shifted 64 items per second, whilst in the real world Asda’s clientele behaved so badly that they’ve decided not to take part in the proceedings this time (Asda, not the punters climbing over each other and behaving like animals. They’ve probably just moved on to the nearest Tesco to scream abuse at each other and fight for a cheap toaster instead), despite having been instrumental in making the whole thing a mainstream event in this country.

2014 also saw John Lewis sell a NutriBullet every 30 seconds, which probably means there are millions of expensive fruit scramblers loitering in the back of kitchen cupboards, fighting for the attention of spiders with forgotten fondue sets and that really weird serving bowl your Gran got you for your birthday.

Still, it’s nearly over now, right? Nope – you’ve got the weekend to recover, and then it’s Cyber Monday. At least you don’t have to wrestle with a pensioner over the last 4K Ultra HD 3D smart TV online.

They’re probably figuring out how to do that right now. Riot Wednesday, anyone?

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 27th of November 2015. It seems I haven't been cancelled (see last week's post for a paranoia-laden explanation), as it appeared on the paper's website. Hurrah!

It did get some notable editing, including the removal of all references to the names of retailers, and the removal of the whole bit in brackets about Asda's customers behaving like animals last year, plus a few other minor trims.

In the end, it seems a modicum of dignity returned to the people of  the UK, as the TV was quick to point out the notable absence of frenzied mobs outside electrical retailers at midnight etc. It seems we sensibly decided online was better than in the line of fire, and largely shopped from home, assisted by the fact that many retails spread the reductions out over several days.

We bagged a nice coffee machine thing (showing what a two-faced git I really am), so I can hang up my barista hat, and watch as it makes the coffee and hot frothed milk, then puts it all into a mug for me. Sadly, it doesn't dispense chocolate sprinkles too, but I guess that the action of having to do that myself will almost certainly counterbalance the calories consumed, via the vigourous exercise involved. #winning

(CD A-Z onto C, with a spot of Coldplay's Mylo Xyloto tonight. Yeah, whatever. See if I care.)