Fixing flooding over breakfast

The atrocious weather of just a week ago brought home the pressing need to come up with an economic and effective way to prevent flooding.

Fear not – I have a solution!

To say it was a bit damp last weekend would be an understatement similar in magnitude to me saying I’m receding a teensy bit.

So heavy was the rain that it wouldn’t have been a surprise to hear a report of otters calling it a day and heading for somewhere dry indoors, preferably with under-floor heating.

Whilst many people and their homes were affected, it appears that overall we had a very near miss, with towns such as Kendal escaping serious flooding by a matter of a few watery inches.

Although it seems we are temporarily through with the intense liquid onslaught, the now waterlogged ground once again leaves us at the mercy of any impending low pressure wandering into the area with prolonged downpours on it’s cloudy mind.

In an attempt to try and come up with a solution to this problem, I had a brainstorming session with some of the finest minds available in my office that hold 3 people, whilst eating mince pies (it is vitally important that you feed ideas with seasonal snacks).

Us all being experts in our respective fields (Marketing, IT and Health & Safety) didn’t help as much as you might think, and we were facing not only failure, but some very small, depressingly empty, foil dishes, when the answer came to us in a sticky-fingered sugar-rush: Weetabix.

You know – the oblong, wheaty, breakfast cereal generally detested by children for being a bit dull and flavourless, and consumed by adults who have concluded it’s probably about time they stopped having Coco-Pops when they’re past 30.

Anyone familiar with these breakfast bricks will know all about how good they are for you, but also that they are TARDIS-like when it comes to milk, being able to absorb a volume of cow-juice larger than themselves, then come back for more like a dehydrated cat.

Scientific tests (I once owned a lab coat, so that counts, right?) have proven without doubt that own-brand supermarket WheatyBisks can see off a whole glass of milk, but the original, poorly-spelt, Weetabix can slurp up a pint or more.

The solution to flooding problems is simple then – buy a load of them, then stack them up along riverbanks, the edge of lakes and that road you always get held up on every time it rains hard. I’ve done some calculations, and I reckon about 25 boxes should be enough.

If you’ve got any left over afterwards, you can always liven them up with custard on at breakfast time, or use one to sand the skirting boards next time you’re decorating.

Got to go – the Environment Agency and the manufacturers of Silica Gel are pretty annoyed with me for some reason...

Next Week: How to solve the nuclear waste storage problem using Rice Crispies.

This post might have first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 20th of November 2015. The reason for my doubt is threefold:

1) No sign of it on their website
2) No print edition has arrived in the post
3) It was one of my less sane offerings, so it's possible it never made it at all

I'm assuming they would have let me know if 3 were the case, but maybe they're just hoping I won't notice. If anyone spotted it, please do Tweet me at @grumpyf1.

We honestly did have the conversation in the office, by the way. Today I actually choked on coffee whilst laughing at a something. I like coffee, but breathing it in isn't recommended.

Mad stats on this blog in the past few days: 300-400+. No idea why, and they're almost exclusively from the States. Bless ya!

(CD-based musicality emanating forth from the cheap Hi-Fi tonight: "The Symphonic Jean Michel Jarre". Rousing.)

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