Rewriting history

It’s been said that history is written by the winners. 

That may be true, but if you pop to South Korea, you’ll soon find it has been penned by the government.

I didn’t really enjoy history lessons at school. Well, it was all a very long time ago (History, and school, now that I come to think about it). So much so, that I can’t even remember the name of the teacher who attempted, in vain, to get me interested in stuff that happened before Multi-Coloured Swap Shop, or (at a push) The Beatles.

In my defence, If you’re going to put the dingy portakabin used for attempting education right next to the playing fields, that’s a sure fire way of guaranteeing a lack of attention that would make the recently deceased seem keen.

Nearly four decades later, I can see why having an office with the structural potency of a shed next to a field might still not be the greatest idea for keeping my... uh... mind... you know... Ooh! Sheep!

Where were we? South Korea, that’s right. You would be correct in thinking that their northerly neighbours were the ones with a Glorious Leader who shapes views, blinkers beliefs and generally manipulates what his subjects know about the world. And Kim Jon Un certainly does just that, although I did quite like his Gangnam Style song.

However, the government of South Korea have taken the somewhat alarming decision to take control of the content of history books for secondary schools from 2017, ditching the less authoritarian choice of 8 texts from different publishers.

To be brazenly titled “The Correct Textbook of History”, the government-approved version aims to stamp out left-friendly criticism of America, and pro-North Korea sentiment. So - to make things more balanced, they’re going to have a go themselves. Brilliant. Hardly any flaws or contradictions in that idea, are there?

On the plus side, it won’t be the South Korean Tim Farr On staying up until 3 in the morning trying to remember what happened at the Battle of Waterloo. No, academics and history teachers (approved by the government, naturally), will be writing up what is guaranteed to be a scintillating read.

Working on the logical basis that no-one ever reads history books, and one written by a history teacher is likely to be drier than a packet of silica gel in the Sahara, maybe someone could try sneaking a few new “facts” in to see if anyone actually notices.

How about that speech from the moon landing? “It’s one small step for man... but that’s because we got centimetres confused with inches.”

After the great Haggis Wars of 122, Adrian build a wall to keep the Romans and Rowomans apart after the former complained that they couldn’t see the point of scatter cushions?

In 2015 it was discovered that Boris Johnson and Donald Trump were separated at birth? No, hang on – that could be true.

History? It’s so yesterday.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 16th of October 2015, where it was retitled as "Past is what we make it". Unless you live in South Korea, in which case it was an uplifting article about the benefits of ensuring history lessons are helpfully approved by the government, and we should all be very happy and praise the leader. Praise! Praise like YOU MEAN IT...

The column hasn't appeared on the paper's website yet, but seeing as my ugly mug has a third of the current nine slots on the Opinion page (including the lead one) I shouldn't complain. If you want to keep an eye out for it, or read any of my fellow columinsts' excellent work, head here

Amongst them are parliamentary types Tim Farron (whose name I subtly altered above to make it sound Korean) and John Woodcock, so I'm clearly the booby prize in terms of having any air of authority or respect.

It seems "portakabin" was too obscure for the NWEM's readership, and was replaced with "temporary classroom". Not at my school they weren't - those things had been there for years...

Short on ideas, this one came to me from a quick scan of the BBC news website, where the absurdity of it all leapt out at me. This method seems to be reasonably fruitful, and I'm relying on it more than I'd like. Still, as I'm heading for 180 columns to date, original ideas are becoming a bit scarce. Like my hair.

(CD A-Z? Still on B: Boomtown Rats at the moment, and their eponymous début from '77.)