Fantasy Formula 1: Brazil - the other stuff

It must have been a shocking moment at Ferrari HQ.

Um... Mr, di Montezuma, Sir...?

This had better be good news, or you'll be swimming with the fishes.

Oh. Right. Well, I just thought I ought to point out that we... I don't really know how to put this... we... haven't done anything spectacularly stupid this year.

What?! But we complained about bits of the Red Bull car being too flexible!

Yes, Sir, but... well, that was quite reasonable, wasn't it?

What about cutting the engine seal on the little monkey-fella's car so the Golden One could move one place up the grid? Surely that counts!

Not really Sir - legitimate tactics.

Getting whipping-boy to move out of the way at every possible opportunity?

Again, tactics. A bit unplesant maybe, but not stupid per se.

Hmmm. Hang on... why don't we try and get the championship overturned with some daft complaint about a barely noticeable flag incident at the final race, that even the stewards found too insignificant to bother investigating?

Bloody hell, Sir - you're the best! They'll think we're all completely bonkers and deeply sad, pathetic, whiney and deluded bad losers!

I know. Situation normal. You're fired by the way.

Oh. Bugger.

Naughty corner: Has to be Kimi’s sense of direction, doesn’t it?

Hero: Seb, for a stunning drive back from last place in a damaged car and with no radio, and for having the presence of mind to keep rolling backwards after the collision with Senna, allowing the other drivers additional time to get out of the way. Class. Honourable mention also for Fernando – great drive, and dignified in defeat.

Fantasy Formula 1 driver of the day was Alonso, with 28 points.

Mark E led for 14 races, Elmon for 5, but right at the end Ollie C came through to win FF1 2012! Congratulations to him, and commiserations to Elmon, who came so close to his first FF1 victory in his 13th year in the competition. Ollie’s impressive 3 years of taking part sees him with two victories and a second place.

He may not have won the actual title, but Alonso snatched the most points scored in FF1 prize at the final race. Surprise of the year is probably that Vergne is 9th, whilst hopelessness award goes to Maldonad’oh – despite a win, he’s 20th. Karthikeyan collects the least points this year.

Ferrari also bagged the FF1 title at the last race, whilst reversing the real-life trend, Marussia beat Caterham to 10th. Yup – HRT are dead last.

A moderately substantial 635 points separated Ollie at the front and Ian J in last. Ian’s place is also the worst ever in FF1, as this year saw the most competitors in the competition’s 17 year history. Ouch.

24 of this year’s competitors have taken part in FF1 before – how did we all do then?

Worse than ever before: Peter G, Chris J, Cally, Aaron, Martin R, Henry & Owen.

The same, or no better or worse than before: Jane, Olie B, James, Ollie C, Nigel, Stephen H, Tony’s Mum, Steve M, Tony, Russell, Martin S, Andy, Paul & Kristin. Better than ever before: Ian S, Heather and Elmon.

And that’s it. All you have to do now is wait for the DVD, and try and figure out what Ferrari will find to complain about next. Thanks for taking part in Fantasy Formula 1 – I hope you enjoyed it. Happy Christmas!

Next race: Bit of a wait then – the Australin GP is on the 17th of March 2013...

(Last race, and last Mike Oldfield CD too - QEII remaster.)

A very modern malady

Hello. I’m Doctor Grenville, and I’m here today to talk to you about SSS – or “Sad Selfie Syndrome”, to give it it’s full medical name. I’m a fully qualified medical doctor thing – I’ve got a PhD from Queens University Academy College Kendal (or “QUACK” for short) to prove it. That means it’s OK for me to talk to you about a very sensitive subject today and stroke your knee. Soothing, no? In my many years of medicinalising practice, I’ve come across some terrible afflictions. I’ve seen Achey Breaky Heart, Kneesles (where you get an itchy rash on your kneecaps) and even a very rare case of the Mercedes Benz. But recently I started seeing shocking images, on social media, graphically showing the devastating results of SSS. If you haven’t heard of it before, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of what happens to the victims, who are mostly under the age of 30. We’ve already come to understand the irrational, overwhelming need for some amongst this group to photograph everythin...

Fantasy Formula 1 - Hungary Results

Sometimes there's a wonderful "huh?" moment in F1. Today's was when the lights didn't go to red at the start, but flashed green and yellow. I'm sure all the drivers are briefed, and everyone knows the drill, but they all just sat there - no-one wanted to be the first to move. In the most high-tech sport in the world, it took Charlie Whiting waving at them to make them go. To be honest, it wasn't the most thrilling of races, but Happy Hamilton "The slow boys won't get out of my way! It's not fair! Boohoohooo - I'm telling Charlie!" winning does mean the front end of the points table still looks deliciously tight. What we really need now, as the excitement level ramps up, is.... to take 5 weeks off. Dammit. Still, to keep you occupied, I want you to memorise the points you all scored today. It's easy to remember mine. I came last... RACE RESULT Position Name Point...

Welcome to Costa del Barrow

Feel that sudden chill in the air? It’s winter, heading this way. Or you’ve left the fridge door open. One of those, definitely. According to people with the word ‘meteorologist’ somewhere in their job title, it has been the driest September since records began. Hardly surprising, really – the wettest winter on record immediately beforehand almost certainly used up all the available rain in the sky early (Note to self: check the sciencey stuff, it doesn’t sound quite right). With just 20% of the normal rainfall of the most Septembery of months, 2014 trounced the previous record holder, good old 1959. Whilst this may have led to less plump courgettes, and parched blue tits mugging you for your bottle of mineral water, it does have a beneficial side-effect: Your granddad will finally have to stop saying “Dry? You don’t know what dry is! When I were but a lad...” Clearly disappointing for grandpops, especially so soon after the “Wet winter? Pah! When I were but a lad...” sto...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog