Fantasy Formula 1: Brazil - the other stuff

It must have been a shocking moment at Ferrari HQ.

Um... Mr, di Montezuma, Sir...?

This had better be good news, or you'll be swimming with the fishes.

Oh. Right. Well, I just thought I ought to point out that we... I don't really know how to put this... we... haven't done anything spectacularly stupid this year.

What?! But we complained about bits of the Red Bull car being too flexible!

Yes, Sir, but... well, that was quite reasonable, wasn't it?

What about cutting the engine seal on the little monkey-fella's car so the Golden One could move one place up the grid? Surely that counts!

Not really Sir - legitimate tactics.

Getting whipping-boy to move out of the way at every possible opportunity?

Again, tactics. A bit unplesant maybe, but not stupid per se.

Hmmm. Hang on... why don't we try and get the championship overturned with some daft complaint about a barely noticeable flag incident at the final race, that even the stewards found too insignificant to bother investigating?

Bloody hell, Sir - you're the best! They'll think we're all completely bonkers and deeply sad, pathetic, whiney and deluded bad losers!

I know. Situation normal. You're fired by the way.

Oh. Bugger.

Naughty corner: Has to be Kimi’s sense of direction, doesn’t it?

Hero: Seb, for a stunning drive back from last place in a damaged car and with no radio, and for having the presence of mind to keep rolling backwards after the collision with Senna, allowing the other drivers additional time to get out of the way. Class. Honourable mention also for Fernando – great drive, and dignified in defeat.

Fantasy Formula 1 driver of the day was Alonso, with 28 points.

Mark E led for 14 races, Elmon for 5, but right at the end Ollie C came through to win FF1 2012! Congratulations to him, and commiserations to Elmon, who came so close to his first FF1 victory in his 13th year in the competition. Ollie’s impressive 3 years of taking part sees him with two victories and a second place.

He may not have won the actual title, but Alonso snatched the most points scored in FF1 prize at the final race. Surprise of the year is probably that Vergne is 9th, whilst hopelessness award goes to Maldonad’oh – despite a win, he’s 20th. Karthikeyan collects the least points this year.

Ferrari also bagged the FF1 title at the last race, whilst reversing the real-life trend, Marussia beat Caterham to 10th. Yup – HRT are dead last.

A moderately substantial 635 points separated Ollie at the front and Ian J in last. Ian’s place is also the worst ever in FF1, as this year saw the most competitors in the competition’s 17 year history. Ouch.

24 of this year’s competitors have taken part in FF1 before – how did we all do then?

Worse than ever before: Peter G, Chris J, Cally, Aaron, Martin R, Henry & Owen.

The same, or no better or worse than before: Jane, Olie B, James, Ollie C, Nigel, Stephen H, Tony’s Mum, Steve M, Tony, Russell, Martin S, Andy, Paul & Kristin. Better than ever before: Ian S, Heather and Elmon.

And that’s it. All you have to do now is wait for the DVD, and try and figure out what Ferrari will find to complain about next. Thanks for taking part in Fantasy Formula 1 – I hope you enjoyed it. Happy Christmas!

Next race: Bit of a wait then – the Australin GP is on the 17th of March 2013...

(Last race, and last Mike Oldfield CD too - QEII remaster.)

Faking it for real

As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...

Going Underground

The US presidential election and Brexit must have made me more nervous than I’d realised. It seems I’ve created an underground bunker without realising I was doing it. Still – we’ve all done that at some point, right? No? Ah... In that case, the fact that I have inadvertently turned my cellar into a rudimentary survival shelter, just in case it all kicks off, demonstrates a severe case of bunker mentality. Fretting about Donald and his wall, and Hillary and her emails, clearly made me more paranoid that I thought about the possibility of WW3 kicking off. Whilst attempting to find a specific size of imperial washer the other day (turns out I’d mis-filed it in the nut cabinet – Tsk!) I was struck by what a lot of jam and chutney we have in the cellar. And I do mean a LOT. There are boxes of boiled-up sugar and fruit and more boxes of boiled up vinegar and fruit. We’re still only part way through 2015’s output too. Then there’s the plastic containers holding pasta in various for...

Is it cold? Snow way...

Lunch out? Not unless you want snow balls... I’ve got a confession to make. Lean in a bit, because I’m going to whisper it. Bit more. Did you have curry for tea? OK, good. I’m a weather nerd. There, I said it. When I was growing up, I didn’t want to be an astronaut or a fireman – I wanted to present the weather on the TV. I was lining myself up for a career at the Met Office when, at about 18 years of age, I discovered I was allergic to studying. Anyway, despite a jam-packed and varied career over the subsequent years, I still have a fascination for the world of meteorology. I even have one of those clocks that projects the time and the external temperature onto the ceiling at night, so I can see how cold it is outside whilst lying awake worrying that I might have wasted my life and been more successful with girls if I’d been more into cars than clouds. So far this year, I’ve gazed at a chilly reading of -5C a couple of times, and been grateful for previous sensible ch...

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