Fantasy Formula 1: Brazil - the other stuff

It must have been a shocking moment at Ferrari HQ.

Um... Mr, di Montezuma, Sir...?

This had better be good news, or you'll be swimming with the fishes.

Oh. Right. Well, I just thought I ought to point out that we... I don't really know how to put this... we... haven't done anything spectacularly stupid this year.

What?! But we complained about bits of the Red Bull car being too flexible!

Yes, Sir, but... well, that was quite reasonable, wasn't it?

What about cutting the engine seal on the little monkey-fella's car so the Golden One could move one place up the grid? Surely that counts!

Not really Sir - legitimate tactics.

Getting whipping-boy to move out of the way at every possible opportunity?

Again, tactics. A bit unplesant maybe, but not stupid per se.

Hmmm. Hang on... why don't we try and get the championship overturned with some daft complaint about a barely noticeable flag incident at the final race, that even the stewards found too insignificant to bother investigating?

Bloody hell, Sir - you're the best! They'll think we're all completely bonkers and deeply sad, pathetic, whiney and deluded bad losers!

I know. Situation normal. You're fired by the way.

Oh. Bugger.

Naughty corner: Has to be Kimi’s sense of direction, doesn’t it?

Hero: Seb, for a stunning drive back from last place in a damaged car and with no radio, and for having the presence of mind to keep rolling backwards after the collision with Senna, allowing the other drivers additional time to get out of the way. Class. Honourable mention also for Fernando – great drive, and dignified in defeat.

Fantasy Formula 1 driver of the day was Alonso, with 28 points.

Mark E led for 14 races, Elmon for 5, but right at the end Ollie C came through to win FF1 2012! Congratulations to him, and commiserations to Elmon, who came so close to his first FF1 victory in his 13th year in the competition. Ollie’s impressive 3 years of taking part sees him with two victories and a second place.

He may not have won the actual title, but Alonso snatched the most points scored in FF1 prize at the final race. Surprise of the year is probably that Vergne is 9th, whilst hopelessness award goes to Maldonad’oh – despite a win, he’s 20th. Karthikeyan collects the least points this year.

Ferrari also bagged the FF1 title at the last race, whilst reversing the real-life trend, Marussia beat Caterham to 10th. Yup – HRT are dead last.

A moderately substantial 635 points separated Ollie at the front and Ian J in last. Ian’s place is also the worst ever in FF1, as this year saw the most competitors in the competition’s 17 year history. Ouch.

24 of this year’s competitors have taken part in FF1 before – how did we all do then?

Worse than ever before: Peter G, Chris J, Cally, Aaron, Martin R, Henry & Owen.

The same, or no better or worse than before: Jane, Olie B, James, Ollie C, Nigel, Stephen H, Tony’s Mum, Steve M, Tony, Russell, Martin S, Andy, Paul & Kristin. Better than ever before: Ian S, Heather and Elmon.

And that’s it. All you have to do now is wait for the DVD, and try and figure out what Ferrari will find to complain about next. Thanks for taking part in Fantasy Formula 1 – I hope you enjoyed it. Happy Christmas!

Next race: Bit of a wait then – the Australin GP is on the 17th of March 2013...

(Last race, and last Mike Oldfield CD too - QEII remaster.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

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Suffering from natural obsolescence

You know you’re getting old when it dawns on you that you’re outliving technological breakthroughs. You know the sort of thing – something revolutionary, that heralds a seismic shift it the way the modern world operates. Clever, time-saving, breathtaking and life-changing (and featuring a circuit board). It’s the future, baby! Until it isn’t any more. I got to pondering this when we laughed heartily in the office about someone asking if our camcorder used “tape”. Tape? Get with the times, Daddy-o! If it ain’t digital then for-get-it! I then attempted to explain to an impossibly young colleague that video tape in a camcorder was indeed once a “thing”, requiring the carrying of something the size of a briefcase around on your shoulder, containing batteries normally reserved for a bus, and a start-up time from pressing ‘Record’ so lengthy, couples were already getting divorced by the time it was ready to record them saying “I do”. After explaining what tape was, I realised I’d ...

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