Sport for all

This week I want to bring to you, dear readers, some fascinating insights into the world of sport, in all it’s many-faceted glory.

Unfortunately, I only really follow Formula 1, but hey – I’ll give it a stab anyway.

Let’s face it – most of us are armchair experts on at least one sport, and a bit hazy on the rest of them. On the bright side, this does mean that your chances of being found out when you say that you’ve followed Mo Farrah’s career since he was in shorts (ah....), are relatively small. Much like The Mobot’s shorts, in fact.

Here we go then. Jolly good luck everybody.

Andy Murray – Suddenly he’s become very, very, British, what with his Wimbledon Winningness (the second one this year at the Olympics thing, not the first one where he was second. Got it?), and now victory this week at the US Is Open Tennis Batting Contest. This is a splendid sporting achievement, and means the Scottish people now have to share him with us again for a bit, until he fails to win something.

There was actual photographic evidence of him smiling after his win, and maybe he can now use some of his prize money for the charisma bypass operation to be reversed too.

The Foot Balls – Apparently, they’re back! In fact, they’ve been back for quite a few weeks, but we were so busy watching real sporting superstars doing their Olympic things, that we forgot to notice them. Now that we’ve waved a tear-sodden farewell to the last Olympic bus (and Boris has planted some worrying images of his reproductive prowess in our heads), the overpaid drama-queens can display all their talents of throwing themselves at the grass, driving really expensive cars dangerously, sleeping with each other’s wives, and generally being great role models. Inspire a generation, chaps!

Formula 1 – It’s been a grand season so far, and that Spanish fellow with the one, big, eyebrow, Alonso, is leading the standings, whilst Brit contenders Button (good one weekend, hopeless the next, breaks down after that) and Hamilton (pouting, sulking, winning a bit, contemplating switching teams to a different silver car) try and catch him. Walk-on part gongs go to Maldonad’oh, who won one race, and has crashed into everybody and everything the rest of the time, Grosjean, who got banned for causing an almighty pile up, and Perez, who seems able to drive very quickly on tyres that your local PC would nick you for.

Other sports - are still available. Apparently. Who knew? Some of them were on display at the Olympics, but we’ll forget about them quite quickly, and spend our time basking in the glory of the event, whilst eating a Family Size pack of Doritos on the sofa, instead and contemplating some ice cream and a maybe a teensy-weensy 500g bar of chocolate. Then dinner.

That was the sports report, now here’s Debbie with the weather...

Have a, sportingly, good weekend.

If you can.

This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 14th September 2012. This is the unedited version - you can view the printed/online version here: "Crash course for sports fans" was the title used by the NWEM, which is better than mine, but misses the point that I was claiming to know approximately nothing about sport.

The column this week lost 101 words from the version submitted, but you've got the full, more angry and offensive, version here. Sorry about that.

Annoyingly, this is the first time the "Have a good, (whatever), weekend. If you can." bit was edited out. I was hoping is would become a catchphrase, but it's far more likely it just makes me look a bit smug, so it's probably just as well...

(Old School Aussie tunes tonight, from Men At Work's 1981 album "Business As Usual".)