I’ve carried out a long and careful analysis of all available data (well, I’ve looked on twitter for 20 minutes – that counts, right?) and I’ve concluded that we should cancel the rest of 2012.
Who’s in?
Let us consider, in a calm and rational way, why this is a good idea. We’ve had some pretty good stuff this year so far, culminating recently in the Olympics which, much to many people’s surprise, was actually rather splendid (As long as you take George Michael’s new single at the closing ceremony out of the equation). It turns out that we surprised ourselves by quite liking the Queen, during her jubbly year, too (or whatever it was called).
I’ve reached my shocking cancellation conclusion after we suffered yet another rank Bank Holiday weekend in Cumbria, bringing the number of days ruined by excessive precipitation in 2012 to... well, most of them, actually.
What have we got to look forward to for the rest of the year, then..?
Precisely. Not a lot. Except for a load more rain. This last weekend saw Cartmel Races called off, along with many other local events, including the Car Boot Sale in Arnside, the latter dealing a catastrophic blow to those in my village needing to offload ‘Keep Fit With The Green Goddess’ videos, a ghetto blaster from 1989 (mains lead missing), and some rusting tools that no-one really knows what they’re meant to do with them.
Our allotment has been gently rotting away, and whilst I know raspberries are meant to be a little furry in texture, it’s the green mouldy stuff that’s the problem. Even our apple tree has fruit on it that look like ping pong balls, thanks to a lack of sunshine. They may well taste like ping pong balls too, although I won’t be telling you how I know that, but the answer is 4. Frogs, newts and other pond-life seem happy enough to live there too, without the worry of actually needing a pond.
At home, I’ve been collecting large spiders and escorting them from the premises with increasing regularity of late as well. I feel rather sorry for them – they’re just trying to stay dry. I guess wellies would be an expensive option for them though.
Start lobbying your MP now – let’s get the rest of this manky, moist, mouldy year cancelled. Considering winter tends to be fairly unpleasant too, let’s just jump straight to spring 2013, and hope that we actually get something resembling a summer.
To be honest, I’d probably settle for a few weeks of decent weather. My contacts in the trade (I say ‘trade’ – 2 people that work in shops selling cappuccinos) tell me it’s been a hopeless year for them too, so let’s cut our losses eh?
We’ll make it the festive season this weekend, then jump straight to March. Sound good to you?
Happy Christmas!
Have a, last one of the year, good weekend.
If you can.
This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 31st August 2012. This is the unedited version - you can view the printed/online version here: "Pull the plug on washout summer", was the title used by the NWEM, and it received only a minor trim of about 40 words this week. What you've got above it the original version - with bonus words for no extra charge!
The column was written prior to (but appeared just after) the Met Office's announcement of it having been the wettest summer for 100 years, along with dullest June for yonks too. I don't think they have official data for 'most depressing and annoying weather for sodding ages', but I expect we've broken that record too...
(My alphabetical trawl through my CD collection has reached Brian May, and his "Furia" soundtrack album. Moody!)
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