The Lotus position

If they were children, you'd get them in a room, give them a good ticking off and tell them not be so bloody stupid, as all they're doing is making themselves look silly, and spoiling it for everyone else.

So how come two Formula 1 teams haven't managed to "grow up and act their age" and both want to be Lotus? Even more confusingly, they'll both be running Renault engines, and neither will actually be owned by Renault.

And worse still, until just recently they were both planning near identical colour schemes. Luckily, the Lotus squad that were in F1 last year seem to have relented, and are going with a variation on the green and yellow scheme they had this year.

But what's with the former Renault team? Have they just run out of ideas? Last year's car looked like a Jordan, and the new one (which will use the colour scheme above) mimics the JPS Lotuses of yesteryear.

Renault sold their shares in the team bearing their name recently, and next year they will be Lotus Renault GP, after backing arrived from the Lotus Car co. Meanwhile, the existing Lotus squad are battling to hang on to their name, which they purchased from James Hunt's brother, who gained the rights to it after the original Lotus F1 team headed by Colin Chapman folded. The squabble is over who actually has the rights to the Lotus name. Clear now? No, me neither.

And that's the point. There are millions of pounds sloshing around in F1, and if things stay as they are, having two Lotus/Renault combo's on the grid is surely going to dilute any promotional/advertising tie-ins either team try to establish. And confuse the hell out of the viewers.

Might I suggest both of them have to go to bed early and think very hard about how much they look like complete and utter dickheads.

(I'm lounging at home today with a numb face. I should probably explain that I've been to the dentists. It a minute I will attempt to drink coffee, but probably dribble it down my shirt. Ah well. Right now, I'm listening to Ken Bruce on Radio 2)