grumpyf1

Well, that's it. Another year done and dusted. How was it for you? Really? You should see a doctor about that, seriously. Here's hoping that 2011 is a great year for you and yours, and brings us an F1 season as good as the last one. All the best, Jenwis

It was all looking a bit shaky for Vitaly Petrov. The rumour-mill was strongly suggesting that his time at Renault was over and he'd be out on his ear (and possibly F1 altogether). Surprisingly, Renault/Lotus (or whatever they are calling themselves this week) have signed him back on for 2 years. Petrov is a bit of a strange one: He seems to lack consistency, lurching from mediocre race and silly mistake to flashes of brilliance and gritty determination. Maybe someone with some power in the team was still narked about Monobrow bunking off to Ferrari, and were happy to sign Vitaly again on the strength of his race-long triumph of keeping the Spanish grump behind him at the last race, inducing Alonso to a) not win the title b) shake his fist at him in a way most unbecoming of a Gentleman. Whatever the reason, Petrov finds himself once more in a situation not dissimilar to Massa at Ferrari. If he beats his clearly rather good team-mate Kubica, it's likely to be seen as a bit o...

Following on from the recent announcement about new engines etc from 2013, further proposals will be presented to F1's Technical Working Group in January. The TWG (not to be confused with the Transport and General Workers Union - they couldn't be more different if they tried) will be discussing proposals put together by uber-grump Patrick Head and former Ferrari luminary Rory Byrne. At the teams' request, they've come up with some nifty ideas.... Much smaller front and rear wings and shaped underfloors will dramatically alter the percentage of downforce generated by aero twiddly bits, and should make the wake of the cars (the breezy bit that comes out of the back) less turbulent, allowing other cars to follow more closely... and overtake. Generally, the cars will be less grippy, which should make them more entertaining too. From a fuel-saving point of view, drivers should be on full throttle for less than 50% of the lap compared to the current 70%. General theory ...

Hardly the top seat in F1, but some chap called Ambrosia has recently bagged a drive with Virgin for 2011. Actually, his name is Jerome D'Ambrosio, but I hereby lay claim to copyright on the following punning back-page headlines: "D'Ambrosio is cream of the crop" and.... er... no, that's it. Still - it was fun while it lasted. Jerome will be the first F1 driver from Belgium since Bertrand Gachot, and the 25 year old GP2 driver's appointment has the unfortunate effect of issuing Lucas Di Grassi with a P45. It's tough at the bottom. (Bending the speaker cones tonight is the They Might Be Giants download-only album from 2000 "Long Tall Weekend". In 2000 downloading an album was a) highly unusual b) likely to take about a week.)

If anyone in the Formula 1 world deserves an award, it's Sir Frank Williams. It was satisfying, then, to see him pick up the Helen Rollason Award at the BBC Sports Personality Of The Year ceremony before Christmas. Clearly, Frank's '86 card accident that left him paralysed has indelibly marked his life, but he has freely admitted that he wrecked numerous cars previously and was driving like a nutter at the time. But what is most remarkable is that he has simply worked around his disability and carried on running one of F1's most successful and popular F1 teams, with a string of World Championships and a list of drivers that many teams can only dream of. But it would be unwise to assume that the frail old man in a wheelchair is weak-minded; Far from it. Whilst the equally tough Patrick Head has engineered top cars, Frank has always been the one making the tough business decisions and wielding the axe with driver contracts in a rigorously unemotional way. Ask Damon ...

...and that can mean only one thing. It's time for Ferrari's annual "we ARE F1" whinge. Yes, in the lead-up to Santa unloading his sack in your living room, Luca di Grumpizemelo (the ghost of common-sense past, present and future) was once more pontificating about how Ferrari should get more money, as they're the bestest thing ever, and Formula 1 isn't worth a reindeer-poo without them. Unsurprisingly, he went on to add something along the lines of "We'll leave Formula 1. We will. I bloody mean it! We'll set up our own series, because we're ever-so important." Dear Luca. Go on then. I think with McLaren, Red Bull, Mercedes etc battling it out in 2011, we'd manage quite nicely without you, thank you. Oh, while you're at it, please take that monobrowed Spanish chappie with you. He nearly complains as much as you.... Happy Christmas! (Playing today - yesterday's Kenny Everett Show from Radio 2 on iplayer. Genius + Nut...

Hello, dear readers. Jolly nice of you to drop in. I always did think you were rather smashing. Tomorrow night I'm actually going out for a nice meal with Mrs Hamilbutton, and it would probably be a touch rude to interrupt Christmas day to come and post. Therefore, I bid you a very Happy Christmas! Hope you get what you always wanted (except you - you know that's illegal!). Best wishes, Jenwis

Apparently, next season the FIA will be cracking doen hard on unsporting behaviour in F1. This is likely to result in race bans or similar, rather than just a ticking off and a fine (which, as most of them earn millions a year, is a bit like fining a docker for swearing). Good news, surely? On this basis, Schumi would be out for a couple of races for trying to smear Rubens down a pit wall, Senna wouldn't have had much track time, and Fernando Alonso might as well call it a day and take up fishing. Except he'd probably annoy the fish too much, or get grumpy with a swan. That guy makes me look cheerful. So, to sum up. More sporting behaviour = good (unless you're a Spanish mono-browed former World Champ in a red car). (Tonight's tunes are from the Specials, "Singles" from 1991. Ska-tastic!)

After their championship success in 2010, Red Bull have decided on an exciting new team livery and colour scheme for 2011, as modelled by Mark Webber and team members...

If they were children, you'd get them in a room, give them a good ticking off and tell them not be so bloody stupid, as all they're doing is making themselves look silly, and spoiling it for everyone else. So how come two Formula 1 teams haven't managed to "grow up and act their age" and both want to be Lotus? Even more confusingly, they'll both be running Renault engines, and neither will actually be owned by Renault. And worse still, until just recently they were both planning near identical colour schemes. Luckily, the Lotus squad that were in F1 last year seem to have relented, and are going with a variation on the green and yellow scheme they had this year. But what's with the former Renault team? Have they just run out of ideas? Last year's car looked like a Jordan, and the new one (which will use the colour scheme above) mimics the JPS Lotuses of yesteryear. Renault sold their shares in the team bearing their name recently, and next year...

One of F1's Old Guard of team principals died last week. Tom Walkinshaw was a tough character, who wasn't afraid of fronting-up to stroppy drivers and butting heads with other team principals. He was also the man who brought Ross Brawn into Formula 1, setting the big lad in the specs off on a course that involved Benetton, Ferrari and ultimately his own team. Walkinshaw ran Benetton before a falling-out saw him shunted to the other team owned by his guv'nor, the ever-charmning Flavio Briatore. And yes, I was being sarcastic. His final fling in F1 was as team owner at the under-funded Arrows team, where his biggest coup was netting reigning World Champion Damon Hill after Williams had a spot of brain-fade, and replaced him with Frentzen. Hill paid Walkinshaw back by very nearly winning a race against all the odds, before gremlins caused him to falter in the last couple of laps. With all the corporate speak and unwillingness to say what you really mean that prevails ...

The most unenforceable rule in F1 has finally been dropped. You can now have team orders, meaning whoever sits in the second Ferrari is more doomed than anyone standing near Fraser on Dad's Army. Team orders have always existed in Formula 1; banning them had the rather obvious effect of making everyone do it a tad more cautiously. Except Ferrari, who (as always) were about as subtle as a brieze block factory's monthly output. But just to muddy things a little, the other rule (151C, I believe. Woop! Woop! Nerd alert!) still exists - the one that says you can't do anything which harms the image of the sport. The same rule that the boys in red got into trouble for this season. So. The rules have changed, but nothing actually has. How very Formula 1... (Tonight on the cassette deck is Jeff Wayne's Musical Version of The War of The Worlds - ULLadubULLA The Remix Album. Crikey.)

It's cold out here! Let me in!! Happy Christmas X

It's parky in the UK at the moment, isn't it? This is how parky it is where I live: Yes. They're icebergs. Brrrrrrrr. (OK, I admit it. I'm listening to Status Quo.)

The Formula 1 teams and FIA announced some very interesting changes to the engine rules, starting in 2013, that will help make Formula 1 more "green". This of course ignores the fact that the cars going round the track actually only forms a teensy part of the resources eaten up by R&D, and the logistics of transporting the show around the world each season, along with all the associated personnel. Still, let us (as they are) conveniently ignore this fact for now, by simply inserting fingers in our ears and going "LA LA LA LA LA LA". The theory is that greener F1 cars will allow the technology developed for racing to be transferred to road cars, thus causing the sea levels to fall, polar bears to look less forlorn, and whole forests to miraculously re-grow. Oh, and sponsors who might otherwise avoid F1 to put their money in. Am I being cynical? Meh. F1 cars currently run 2.4 litre V8 engines, running at 16,000rpm. From '13 they will be replaced by 1.6 l...

It's been quiet for a fair old while now, but the whole Little Piquet crashing into a wall saga resurfaced again recently. Renault had basically accused the Piquet's (Nelson and, erm, Nelson) of making up the whole thing and generally being to blame. The Piquet's decided this was pretty unfair and sued them. It finally got sorted with Renault being told they were jolly naughty and the Piquet's getting compensation. At the end of the day though, whatever the circumstances, Piquet Jr shoved his car in a wall deliberately, and that ain't right. Hasn't helped his career a lot, has it? Let's hope we've finally heard the last of it... (Guilty Pleasures listening this snowy Saturday "Go Simpsonic With The Simpsons")

To: @olski @jompet @jennaterri @f1_emma @GingerOllie @CaptainCraigos @thejamesman @johnm0306 @perlasanders @PixlMonster @little_jodieF1 @Katy-mo @Cumbria_Cumbria @BbqMushroom @anotherproblem @EwelinaGonera @ ruinmytune @dchalmersf1 @molesworth_1 @NigelBig @onatrainagain @VeedubGeezer @JenniferAnnMcL @HeatherAthey @Feisty_Onion @BroughtonLass @scoobyfm @JonNevill @simbaF1 @LivinInaVillage Thanks for the entertainment, chats and being really jolly super, smashing and lovely since I arrived in the land of tweet. Best wishes for Christmas and have a great New Year and 2011. PS: My real name isn't Jenwis. But you probably guessed that....

Irish Formula 1 driver Tim O'Glock has re-signed to the Virgin team for 2011. Erm. That's about it really. I just wanted to do the Irish joke again. Hopefully, next year the team might remember to do him a few technical favours, like designing-in a big enough fuel tank etc. Must be a tough gig for Timo; Toyota were nearly there when they decided to pull the plug, and I don't think anyone realistically expect Virgin to be fighting in the midfield (let along the front) any time soon. Still, you never know - Luck of the Irish and all that... (Spot of the Eurythmics tonight - the "Peace" album from 99)

Bernie Ecclestone is a very clever chap. Who else could have sold F1 several times, still managed to stay fully in control, then waited until the buyers were a bit strapped for cash and purchased it back again at a knock-down rate. Genius. His brilliant business acumen wasn't much help recently when he and his girlfriend were mugged by some rather nasty fellows outside his London offices. They weren't exactly gentle with the 80 year-old Mr E, and left him somewhat battered and bruised. His assailants got away with £200,000 worth of jewellery. Yup. My house, my car, all my possessions... Bernie was wearing stuff worth more than that. I don't condone violence, but the phrase "asking for it" does waft through my mind a little... Ever the entrepreneur, Bernie had himself photographed and sent it off to his watch supplier Hublot, who used it in an advert: Bernie's not daft is he? I'm guessing he doesn't pay for his timepieces anyway. If any muggers ar...

Gotta love Mark Webber. It would appear that the man is an accident-magnet, especially when he switches from four wheels to two. He's revealed that he drove the last 4 races of the season with a fractured shoulder. Uh-huh. Exactly. The sort of thing where you or I would be off work for a month or so and feeling very sorry for ourselves. He apparently did it the day before a race weekend too, but didn't bother to mention it to the team. Now I know our Aussie cousins are a touch bunch, but Jeez, mate! And how did Mr Webber do this? Well, he hadn't been out mountain biking since his previous accident that saw him start 2009 with metal plates in his leg, courtesy of trying to out-tough a 4x4 (in my experience, something generally thought of as being a definite no-win situation, unless you happen to be in a tank). For once, he came off worst. So he headed out with a mate, who promptly fell off in front of him. Even though his F1 experiences gives his some of the best reflexe...

Crikey Kovaleinen came a cropper at the Race Of Champions in Germany recently, when he clipped a barrier and his throttle stuck open, sending him, his Audi and his Girlfriend (who was along for the ride having no doubt been promised they were just popping out for a pint of milk) into the barriers rather heavily. The cheery blonde one (Heikki, not his girlfriend.... I'm doubting she was particularly cheery afterwards) was out for the count for a while and suffered heavy concussion. His hapless passenger also had a hairline fracture and muscle damage. As any 17 year old kid in a car is warned by his Mum - don't show off in front of girls. (Listening to the Killers album "Day & Age" for the first time tonight. Likin' it!)

It's winter. You'd probably noticed that though. So apart from snow causing everything to grind to a halt at the first sign of a flake or two, and Slade being on the radio all the time, it also means there's no F1. You'd probably noticed that too. You're really quite observant, aren't you? Anyway, immediately after the last race of the season in Abu Dhabi, the teams stayed on for a first spot of testing, and largely to try out the new Pirelli tyres they'll all be racing on next season (assuming they make it to the first race - I'm looking at you, Hispania). I say teams, because there were a few exceptions on the driver front, notably Button and Hamilton, who scarpered pretty sharpish and left Paffett to the McLaren. Ominously, the fastest driver was Alonso... Lotus had the honour of being the last team to run a fresh set of Bridgestones, before it all went quiet and everyone nipped off to the pub. So now we have a big old wait until the 4 testing...

Good old Willliams. They've still got the cutting-edge instinct. With the new regs for '11 allowing for adjustable rear wings, Sam Michael and co have come up with this nifty little device, that should give them an extra 30kmh on the straights, and it only needs the drivers to take both hands of the wheel for about 4 seconds to deploy it. Made from an old pair of skis, some gaffer tape and 2 coat hangers, it should allow Rubens and Moldyolddough to overtake more effectively next year. Barrichello said "I'm scared. Really scared. But I'm putting a brave face on it because, frankly, I retire soon and I don't want my pension to be affected if I tell Frank to sod off". Oh, alright then. It's from the tyre tests and it was to allow a camera to look at the new Pirelli's close-up. Happy now? Sheesh. (Oddly, I've just been listening to Apollo Four Forty's '99 album "Gettin' High On Your Own Supply", which includes the tr...

This is where I live.... ...and this is where I work.... Tough gig, huh?

I'm not sure why I like the Hispania Racing Team. Is it because they called themselves HRT, even though they knew the high titter-factor in the UK? Is it because they just made it to the first race with Chandhok not even having run the car before quali? The comedic driver swaps? Maybe it's that supporting-the-underdog thing that meant I adored Minardi. Who knows. Anyway, it looks like I may not have to worry about it for much longer. Toyota were apparently in a deal to hand over their un-raced 2010 car to Hispania for 2011 in return for some wonga. They recently issued a statement which pretty much said "no cash, no car, you gits" and finished with a metaphorical "and don't try coming back either". Rumours have now surfaced that the team's owners are putting Hispania up for sale. That should raise about a tenner then. Likelihood of the team being on the grid next year? Lower than a dacshund's wotsits methinks.... (Tonight it's the b...

OK kid, step away from the motor. So, that bloke that sounds like Italian food has pinched the Incredible Hulkenberg's seat. Bummer that. Welcome to Formula 1. Or to be more accurate, welcome to Williams. Team Willy have a bit of form when it comes to dumping drivers, most significantly World Champion Damon Hill, right after he bagged the title. Frank & Patrick are in the somewhat tricky situation of being a privateer team, so really could do with a spot of cash from their drivers, or a few bloody wins. Preferably both. Maldonado is apparently a) pretty good b) backed by Venezuela to the tune of about £10M in sponsorship. At a wild guess, the latter has put the bigger smile on the faces the team's bosses. So what know for Hulkywulky? He was linked with Mercedes as test driver, but Snorbert said he'd be better off driving for a smaller team. Oooooo. Get the man a saucer of milk. Now in talks with Force India, Hulkenberg might still be on the grid next year. Tha...

Crikey, who'd have thunked it. It's precisely one year today since I stopped being a new media refusenik and made my first blog post. Since then, I've joined twitter (nearly my 1000th post on there now too) and started hankering after a phone that gives me web access. So, Happy Birthday, blog. It's been a blast. Sorry for neglecting you a bit of late. I'll do my best to post a bit more in the build up to Christmas, although I do need to write a shed-load of cards first. I wonder if there's an app for that....? (Giving the speakers a rattle right now is Shirley Bassey's "Goldfinger")

I think I has pasta maldonado in a restaurant in Oxfordshire a couple of years ago. Very nice. Oh. Hang on, apparently it's Pastor Maldonado, GP2 Champion, whose Venezuelan butt will be the first one in an F1 seat for 30 years, as he's been signed at Williams to partner Rubens Oldichello. Other than the above facts, I know precisely nowt about the chap. I really should pay more attention. (NP A strange breakdown of the individual parts for the Beatles track Helter Skelter. The individual parts are pretty ropey, but somehow it makes a glorious whole...)