Out of a job? Drive for Lotus!

Jarno (I like a good argument) Trulli & Crikey Heikki Kovaleinenenenen have both signed to the new Lotus team for the next 3 years, and have both been making lots of positive comments about "growing with the team" and "not expecting too much" etc etc.

Using my special F1-Speak Translator matrix (made from an old Quality Street tin, some random bits of wire and the shrink-wrap off a tray of mange-tout - ooo... much like my Fiat Punto then!), I can now reveal what these bland, corporate mutterings really mean.

Jarno: Wow, that was lucky! I'm knocking on a bit, have a reputation for holding everyone up and have only ever won one race! After Toyota packed it in, I thought I was screwed!

Heikki: Wow, that was lucky! I've been majorly shown up by Lewis, crash a bit too often and have only ever won one race! After McLaren dumped me for Jenson, I thought I was screwed!

Expect to see them in the following places next year: Jarno at the front of a big ol' queue of cars, and Heikki in a gravel trap somewhere. Except, as there will be 26 cars, you'll probably notice them even less than previously...

(Now playing: Nothing. My MP3 player is out of juice)

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Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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