A car-locking key-tastrophe

I’ve got a new(er) car! Red, shiny, doesn’t get overtaken by every other car on a slight incline – it’s great... except for a lock-up cock-up.

Considering it’s got a tiny 898cc engine, my new-to-me 2nd hand Renault is really quite nippy. Thanks to a turbo (which makes me feel like an F1 star), and the fact that I’ve yet to find any actual metal in the bodywork, it’s lovely to go up a hill and not be overtaken by tractors, milk floats and the occasional cyclist.

And, bless those petit French designers, they’ve incorporated a Crystal Maze-style quest into it too! Unfortunately, it’s only for one player, though. If you’ve got the main key with central locking buttons, you’re not allowed to play. Non!

But if you have the spare, manual, key then – Oui! Prepare to begin your quest – you have 2 minutes to complete the following mission: You must get into the car, start the engine, turn it off again and exit the car, leaving it locked. Easy, right? Let’s Twin-go!

“OK team – I’ve got the key, and I’m going round to the driver’s door. I’ll just pop it in the... wait! OK, this is weird – there’s no keyhole. What? Yes, I’m sure... there definitely isn’t one.

Right, I’m heading round to the passenger door. Yes! There’ a keyhole. I’m putting the key in and turning it. Nothing. No click, no sound of the central locking activating. Maybe it’s not the right key. 90 seconds left? Right... no, still nothing. I’ll try the handle.

Yes! It’s open. I’m heading back to the driver’s side to get in and... damn! This door is still locked. Heading back to the passenger door. I’ve opened it, and I’m pressing the central locking button in the middle of the dashboard. Nope. Nothing. I’ll climb in over the seats...

A minute left? Crikey! Yes, I’m climbing OW! over the gearstick... wow, that handbrake pokes up a long way. Right, I’m in the driver’s seat, putting the key in the ignition and turning it over. Engine running! Yes! Turning it off and getting out of the car.

Oh no! I got out of the driver’s door, so I can’t lock it from this side. Back round to the passenger side... yup, 30 seconds, it’s OK. Key in the lock... still no click, but yes the door is locked.

Check the driver’s side? Well, no car manufacturer is going to allow you to have a spare key that doesn’t lock the car securely, now is it? What if you’ve gone out and your partner wants to use the car?

I5 seconds?! OK I... NO! It’s unlocked! What the hell? Back to the (10!) other side and (5) I’ll try (4) and reach (3) across and (2) push the (1) handle and... I’ve failed haven’t I? But, ironically, not locked in...”

Still – maybe I should just get another full-function electronic key? £180?! For a KEY?! Do they fly them 1st class from France?!

C’est stupide, Renault!

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 3rd of February 2017. My punning title seems to have gone down well, as it remained the same in both the print and online versions.

Written well in advance, as we were away for the week before submission, this one felt good... unlike the sense of deep irritation about the spare key for our car. I can only presume that, in a money-saving exercise, Renault produce the same car across Europe, except for switching the steering set-up for UK cars. There does seem to be no way to use the spare key unless you clamber across seats and remember not to open the driver's door. Merde!

Another surprise hit last week - the NHS/Patrick Stewart = poo post bagged 600+ views in one day, and leaps in at number 4 in the list of most-viewed posts.

Teaser alert! Next two columns may feature bumbling Cumbrian Coppers and the horrifying veg crisis. Subject to whatever else occurs in the next couple of weeks, of course. Nice to already have a couple of ideas lined up, as I close in on my 250th column for the NWEM.

(CD A-Z: Mika's debut from 2007 - "Life in Cartoon Motion".)

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