The Christmas guide

Just a handful of days left until Christmas – the tree is up, presents are wrapped, and the eggs have been nogged. That means it’s time to revel in one of the season’s greatest joys...

When I say “Presents are wrapped”, I’m obviously excluding any virtual vouchers, which are currently wafting through cyberspace and probably disrupting Santa’s sat-nav, so don’t blame me if you’re a 48 year old, burly, man who gets One Direction’s latest album and a Barbie Doll on the 25th.

Whilst the remaining turkeys on the farm are just starting to realise that their friends haven’t gone “on holiday”, we are now firmly into the timeframe reserved for one of the most indulgent moments of the festive season – going through the bumper Christmas & New Year TV guide to plan what we’re going to watch.

It is a vitally important exercise, and not one to be undertaken in a rush. Without this military planning, how will you know what to watch whilst seeing off your own body weight in mince pies, chocolates and those tiny sausages wrapped in bacon that seem hard to come by the rest of the year?

Let’s face it, with the amount of food and drink available, getting off the sofa or leaving the house become tricky events, so knowing in advance what time Morecambe & Wise is on could be a lifesaver, especially if someone else in the house wants to watch The Sound Of Music and sing all the way through for the 50th year in a doe. I mean row. The holder of the remote always triumphs.

Can Sherlock solve the mystery of where the spare bulb for the fairy lights is? No – even he isn’t that good – but you can make sure you’re in the best armchair with a full glass and bonus bowl of Twiglets with five minutes to spare.

And you wouldn’t want to mistakenly be on the phone, thanking your Auntie for the lovely comedy boxer shorts, just when someone’s Christmas wedding is being disastrously ruined on your favourite Street/Square/Farm/Emergency Ward, now would you?

If you’ve managed to get this perfectly right, you should even be able to plan things perfectly to avoid having to pop to the shops, go round to the neighbours for the annual awkward glass of sherry, or get involved in trying to shoehorn some leftovers into the freezer.

So get your pen at the ready and start circling whatever tickles your fancy. A date with Doctor Who? Dive into Downton? Call some Midwives? Swoon at Strictly? It’s all there for the taking– book your place on the sofa now to avoid disappointment!

Hang on... wasn’t this one on last year?

A very Happy Christmas and prosperous New Year to all of you, and thanks for reading my ramblings for yet another year – you are surprisingly tolerant. Remember: a 1kg bar of chocolate is the gift that keeps on giving, and not a 12 hour challenge – whatever you big brother says.

See you in 2016.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 18th of December 2015, where it was retitled as "TV planning is a festive treat". You can view it on the paper's website here.

In a rare conjunction of the stars (just in time for Christmas) it not only made it onto their website, but I also go the print copy in the post too.

I'm now entering a rather strange period. Normally, today I'd be considering what to write for the next column, and often creating a stream of conciousness version, which I then go back through on a Tuesday night to correct spelling, grammar, repetition of words and a re-write where needed, before a final check and submission on a Wednesday evening.

As the NWEM won't be published this coming Friday, I get a week off. And then, as the following Friday is New Year's day, I won't need to write anything for that non-existent edition either. After three and a half years, this will be the longest break from writing I've had.

Still - I might drop in here and empty whatever is wandering around my head out now and again...

Happy Christmas to you.

(No CD this morning - listening to Ken Bruce on Radio 2 instead.)

Making an exhibition of yourself

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It’s comforting to know that there is one less threat to the people of Cumbria this week, following the conviction of white supremacist, Ethan Stables. The 20 year old from Barrow had planned to attack the town’s New Empire pub in June 2017, in the midst of a gay pride event. Despite social media posts saying he was “going to war” and planning to “slaughter”, online searches about how to make bombs and chemical poisons, and expressing hatred of Muslims, Jews and gay people, he claimed his online comments were merely to impress far-right friends. Fortunately, following Facebook posts about his intentions, the police were tipped off and armed officers intercepted him as he headed towards the pub. His aim was to kill anyone he found, with a machete. In a bizarre slip-up, Stables had erroneously added an innocent woman to his neo-Nazi Facebook group. When he vented his outrage at the Furness LGBT support group’s event, the shocked woman contacted the authorities. He’ll have ple...

Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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