The motorway disservice station

"Mushy peas? One slice or two..?"

Cumbria is great at a hell of a lot of things.

Fabulous tourist attractions, breathtaking scenery, attractive sheep, innovative small businesses and miles of dry stone walls, for instance. Where did all that stone come from, by the way? Is that why the lakes are there? So when Transport Focus, the travel watchdog, issued the results of it’s survey about England’s best motorway service stations, I presumed Cumbria would be right up there.

We are on the list. Just not at the top. No, that was Norton Canes on the M6 Toll road in Staffordshire, and they’re right. It’s dreamy. There were 111 pee and petrol stop-offs on the list, and Cumbria’s Southwaite (Northbound) on the M6 bagged the coveted 109th place on the list.

Bravo, Moto. You may operate two of the top five, but you also ‘run’ four out of the worst five. The surveyors asked 9,600 customers what they thought about the essential things that make your break for ridiculously expensive petrol worthwhile, including toilet facilities, food and staffing.

Opening in 1972, the delightful Southwaite Services nestles between junctions 41 and 42 of the M6, bringing shame to the nearby village whose name it pinched. According to review website Tripadvisor, despite a terrible 2 out of 5 rating, it’s not the worst place to eat in Southwaite. Something to be proud of there, then.

Approximately 7 miles south of Carlisle, it’s just far enough away from the town to mean you have absolutely no reason to go there.

Of the 110 reviews, 2% actually rated it as excellent (presumably the Manager or someone who didn’t understand how rating systems work), but a whopping 49% thought it was terrible.

Reading the comments leaves you a strange mixture of depressed, sad and a bit nauseous. Not just that, but a bit baffled too. For example, a review by Tixilix about the “disgusting toilets” suggests they “need to be cleaned a lot more frequently and thoroughly ie walls avoid”. Avoid the walls? I think you’re doing it wrong, Tixilix.

Ross K felt that he was served a “Disgusting extortionate breakfast”, which conjures up worrying visions of a desperately ugly sausage trying to blackmail you.

Some of the more positive reviews included ringing endorsements like “OK for toilet use” and “Couldn’t get out quick enough”.

Binnes1 concludes that it is the “Worst Services I’ve ever been in.” Oh come on. That’s a bit unfair. Third worst, surely. Out of 111.

This post first appeared as my "A wry look at the week" column, in The Mail, on Friday the 27th of July 2018, where it was re-titled as "Doing us all a big disservice".

I've not had the pleasure of visiting Southwaite Services... by the sound of it, I'm one of the lucky ones.

(CD A-Z: A homemade compilation of some mash-ups. Yeah. I'm down wiv da kids, isn't it, tho.)