Beaches and hose

Nice car... you MONSTER!

Yes, we have got some rain. 

As upstanding Brits, it is our solemn duty to mention this straight away in any conversation, but there’s a problem – we haven’t had much, have we?

You’re more likely to have spent time on one of Cumbria’s beaches than get caught in a downpour over the last month. The plentiful sunshine and absence of rain has presented us with a horrifying conflict of interests – we quite like it sunny and warm, but it’s tough not being able to complain about precipitation.

Whilst we’ve somewhat offset that pain by grumbling about it being too hot, or how it’s bad for the lawn, our need to moan will soon be well and truly saturated. Come the 5th of August, there will be a (pause for dramatic effect) hosepipe ban!

United Utilities (UU) will be invoking the temporary restriction, which will see seven million people in the North West needing to pipe down for a bit. With the weather forecast continuing to feature unusually high amounts of sun symbols for the rest of the month, and reservoir levels lower than Piers Morgan’s tact score, UU are bringing forth the demise of your tap dancing antics to “safeguard essential supplies”.

You might think your 4X4 being spotless is essential, but you’ll just have to adapt to it being a bit grubby for a while. Embrace the dirt. Your neighbours might actually start thinking you’ve been off-road in it. Should you decide to go stealth cleaning at 2am, or sprinkle the lawn under cover of darkness, then not only are you a monster, but UU can impose a fine of up to £1,000.

Just in case anyone thinks that filling a paddling pool or hosing down the cat will be OK, then the bad news is they’re out too.

Alarmingly, UU lost around 25% of their water via leaks in 2016/17, according to the Consumer Council for Water. If you filled your bathtub up to the brim 1.7 times then just pulled the plug, that would be: a) pretty stupid and wasteful b) about the same amount that UU lose, per day, per household.

The ban could reduce water usage by up to 10%. It’s important that we all save water during this particularly dry spell, but let’s also remember who the biggest drips are when it comes to looking after the H2O. It’s UU – without a shadow of a drought.

This post (probably) first appeared as my "A wry look at the week" column, in The Mail, on the 20th of July 2018.

Written on a Tuesday, submitted on a Wednesday, published on the one day it binned it down. Luckily, I spotted the potential for that in the forecast, and changed the first line so I actually looked alarmingly topical. For a change.

Those of you with very long memories may remember another piece by me, from March 2012, with the very similar title of Beeches and Hoes, about me becoming chair of the local Allotment Association. My smug little rap joke (Bitches and Ho's, geddit?) tickled me so much, I've spent ages trying to find another way to use it again. 6+ years, but I finally managed it. I should probably get out more.

It's previous outing was in a blog post near the end of the Big Blogger competition, so it wasn't ever printed. In case The Mail didn't like it, I offered the less risky "Without a shadow of a drought" instead. Haven't seen the paper yet, so don't know which they went with... if they used either.

*UPDATE 23/07: Paper ran it with "This story has just been leaked". Didn't see that coming!*

(CD A-Z: "Young Gifted And Black - 50 Classic Reggae Hits". Awesome.)