Feeling a bit flat

Bubbles: You remember those, right?

Admit it – you’d seen the stories online or in the papers about a C02 shortage.

And you shrugged. Possibly even said “Meh”, then went back to talking about the football, or how it hasn’t been this hot for absolutely ages.

Well, now is the time to start taking this a bit more seriously. Gas is no laughing matter (with the possible exception of Laughing gas, obviously) and stocks of the C02 variety running out just got very serious - The wholesaler Booker has started rationing sales of beer and cider.

Trade shoppers will now only be able to purchase a measly ten cases of beer, and five of cider. Even carbonated soft drinks sales are being restricted too. Imagine... no fizzy beer, bubbly cider or cans of sugary stuff that makes you burp unnecessarily. Troubling times indeed.

With the hot conditions set to continue into the weekend (and with the footy still on the tele), things are looking bleak for bubbly beverage lovers.

But it’s not just your thirst-quenching tipple that’s at risk. CO2 is used to stun pigs before slaughter (this is getting both disturbing and educational, isn’t it?) so a scaling back of pork-related production could see bacon sandwiches wiped off the menu as well. What next? Will we be forced to eat healthily? Oh, the horror: “I’ll have a hummus sandwich on rye bread please, and some of that lovely spring water... yes, still is OK.” Terrifying.

Even if flat beer doesn’t bother you, and you’re not a fan of piggy-based food, if you have your shopping delivered by one of the big supermarket chains, you could still be adversely affected. Morrisons have already halted delivery of some frozen products, as C02 is used to create the dry ice used in their delivery vans.

So it’s looking bleak. You may not even be able to console yourself with half a tub of ice cream whilst you wait for things to improve.

In next week’s column, I’ll be discussing how lager now costs £50 a pint, expressing shock at the speed with which people started fighting each other in the supermarkets for a pack of streaky bacon, and talking about why the new craze for drinking melted ice cream is both horrifying and delicious.

Or possibly marvelling at whatever daft thing Donald Trump has said this time.

Life’s a gas, isn’t it?

This post first appeared as my "A wry look at the week" column, in The Mail, on the 28th of June 2018. Probably - I haven't seen a copy yet.

I hadn't checked on the paper's website in ages, as they seemed to have stopped putting columns on there, but lo and behold: this one's there, with the title expanded to "I'm feeling a bit flat over gas shortage". I'm back, baby!

Since I penned this column, the situation has got dramatically worse - Warburton's have had to halt Crumpet production. This is the end of days I've been warning you about, people! Hold you children close - our time on this planet is almost over.

Also, lettuce are going to be in short supply because it's been sunny, and we're heading for a drought. Fun times!

(CD A-Z: A new one! John Carpenter - Anthology (Movie Themes 1974-1998). It's got Escape From New York On It!)

Making an exhibition of yourself

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Is it foggy? No.

When I get put in charge (which is bound to happen soon), I'm going to introduce a whole raft of new laws, for I shall be a just and fair ruler. I'm quite liking the title of 'Most Marvellous Emperor Of Sensible Regulations And Bountiful Lovingness Not To Mention Exceedingly Handsome', but it might be a bit long. On that basis, I'll settle for the more informal 'He Who Is Smashing' from my loyal subjects. Anyway, I digress. I do that sometimes - had you noticed? Here, then, is the first law that will introduced: grumpyf1 law No.1 - Turn your fog lights off, you complete git. Don't get me wrong; If it genuinely is foggy, fog lights are quite handy. The reason for introduction of this law is because 96% of the time (based on my own in-depth research) it isn't foggy when some utter cockwomble blinds you. This has always been a bit of a problem but in the last couple of years it seems to have escalated out of control, possibly because of the...

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