Don’t panic! Police in Home Guard gaffe

You stupid boys...

It could easily be a scene from a sitcom.

Scene 1 – it’s a sunny Bank Holiday is Chester. In a red phone box, someone dials “999” and says “I’ve just seen a bunch of people dressed in combat gear, carrying guns! Come quickly!”

Scene 2 – A recently dunked biscuit plops into the large mug of tea on PC WiIlkins’ desk, as he sits, open-mouthed, listening to the caller. “Machine guns, you say!?” he gasps, wide eyed. “Right you lot, bring your truncheons!” (Assorted bobbies exit the station and pile clumsily into a Police car.)

Scene 3 – Police car screeches to a halt and it’s occupants leap out, pointing their truncheons at a group of startled men in uniforms. “Put the guns down and, er, step away from the guns!” PC Wilkins shouts, from behind the squad car.

“B...but we’re war history enthusiasts. We’re promoting a forthcoming battle re-enactment. These aren’t real guns!” replies one of the men, who are all dressed as members of the Home Guard. To prove his point, he aims the ‘gun’ at the squad car and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. One of the policemen, who brought his tea with him, drops it in shock. Everyone laughs.

“Good job it wasn’t in a village in Hampshire, because they aren’t into ‘living history’ events.” says PC Wilkins, before looking knowingly into the camera and delivering the punch-line “They don’t like it, Upham.”

(Based on a true story – police responded this week to reports of a gang of armed men in Chester, only to find they were Home Guard re-enactors.)

This post first appeared as the third piece in my column/page in The Mail and News & Star, on the 11th of May 2018. The closing explanation was chopped around a bit and placed at the start of the article instead... presumably to ensure no-one started thinking it was real.

It was accompanied by a nice Dad's Army picture, cleverly captioned "Who do you think you are kidding?"

(CD A-Z: The RCD Blues Collection.)