grumpyf1

It's very quiet on the roads today, isn't it? “...and that’s why this particular budgie won’t be dancing on the ceiling any time soon. And now it’s over to Simon for the weather.” “Thanks, Kirsty. Your forecast for the weekend, then – Saturday will be cloudy, with sudden cataclysmic outbreaks of rain, whilst Sunday looks even worse, with a high chance of apocalyptic conditions throughout the day, and a light south easterly breeze. Temperatures around normal for the time of year. The outlook for next week? Well, in one word – Biblical. So, not looking great, Kirsty!” “No indeed, Simon. Definitely not barbeque weather – unless you can strap it to a canoe. If you survive, see you on Monday. Goodnight!” OK, so that might seem a tad far-fetched, but according to the Met Office, there’s a significantly increased risk of winter downpours, which they’re cheerily describing as “unprecedented”. By chucking a large amount of data into a supercomputer and waiting for a bit, the...

"Hello, I..." [SOUNDS OF RANTING] Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker.  CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED.  Scene 1 - Interior, TARDIS.  Doctor : Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man! Assistant : Woman. Doctor: Eh? (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS! Assistant : Really? Everybody else was. Doctor : Didn’t you get killed off at the end of the last series, by the way? Cybermen or something similar? Assistant : No, that was the gay one. I’m the androgynous, gender-fluid one. Doctor : Strange, I don’t remember you. You know you’re... green, right? And have antennae?  Assistant : Of course, and they’re not antennae. (The Assistant winks with one of their three eyes.) Doctor : Crikey! (pause) I think I might use that as a catchphrase. Assistant : It’s not as good as “Geronimo” or “Alonsee”. Doctor : Do you have a name, then? Assistant : Yes, it...

[INTERNET MELTS] Doctor Who, the 13th Doctor – Episode 1. “Invasion of the Manbabies”. Starring Jodie Whittaker. CONFIDENTIAL – NOT TO BE RELEASED. Scene: Interior, TARDIS. Doctor : Wow, this regeneration business is rough, but I feel like a new man! (Looks down) Crikey, I wasn’t expecting THIS! Assistant : Really? Everybody else was. Doctor : Strange, I don’t remember you. Nice antennae! Assistant : They’re not antennae. (Assistant winks.) Doctor : Crikey! (TARDIS alarm chimes ominously. Everything looks shaky whilst the Doctor and Assistant cling to the console.) Doctor : Ooo, exciting! I think we’re crashing! CRIKEY! Scene: Exterior shot of TARDIS . Door opens and the Doctor and Assistant stumble out. Sounds of angry mob approaching.  Doctor : I haven’t even had time to change – these Y-fronts are bloody uncomfortable. Who are these people anyway? Assistant : Oh, no – Doctor, it’s the Manbabies! (A portly white male approaches – 50ish, balding, weari...

Silverstone - Home of The British Grand Prix after 2019? The Formula 1 motor racing circus pitches up at Silverstone this weekend for the British Grand Prix, and the battles aren’t just between the drivers. Just as the tension of the most exciting season for years reaches a peak, the international, multi-million pound, fast car spectacle rocks up in the UK. It’s a good job F1 doesn’t use a starter’s pistol to get the races underway – The people behind the British GP would have repeatedly shot themselves in the foot by now. The hallowed tarmac of Northamptonshire’s Silverstone circuit will play host to 20 cars and drivers and everything that goes with it, just as the circuit’s owners announce that they’re taking up a get-out clause in their contract after the 2019 race. Despite the staggering amounts of cash sloshing around the sport, the British Racing Drivers’ Club (BRDC) say they have “reached the tipping point”, and won’t be able to continue losing millions of pounds every...

Every hero needs a villain. Two British sports stars have recently found out the hard way that their friendly rivals are anything but. I may not be an expert on the Tour de France, but I do know how much falling off a bicycle hurts. Teenage years spent larking around on two wheels left their marks, but my top speed would look like I was a slow-motion replay, compared to the rate the skinny-wheeled professionals go. Which is precisely why I feel for Chris Froome. When I parted company with my ride, or went over the handlebars because I inadvertently put my foot in the spokes of my front wheel (true story), I largely hurt my pride and got a few grazes. When Chris was elbowed sideways into the barriers at high speed, he didn’t have the 1970s armour that is a sturdy pair of flared jeans and a hand-knitted tank top. His flimsy Lycra was scant protection as he bounced along the road, and I can confirm no-one ever cycled across my head, either. Froome apparently “gets on well” with ...

Sunglasses when it's dark? Check. Rock God? Check. Brace yourselves, I’ve got some shocking news. My faith in humanity has been restored. In London. That’s a lot to process, isn’t it? First off, I can reassure you that I haven’t been kidnapped and a cheerier, equally dashing, doppelganger parachuted in to replace me. It’s fair to point out that this may also be a fleeting version of me, destined to have evaporated like the mist on a sunny morning by the time you read this. But hey – I’m in a happy place for the time being. All thanks to a trip to Wembley Stadium last Saturday to see Jeff Lynne’s Electric Light Orchestra. I haven’t been there for 25 years... or ever, if you take into account the fact that it’s been replaced since I went to the Freddie Mercury Tribute concert in ’92. True, the day could have started better. As we approached Arnside station in the car, a train was rattling across the viaduct, accompanied by a dawning realisation that we’d got the departure t...