Mountain bikers? Get Knotted!

At the risk of calling forth a lycra-clad tidal wave of abuse, I’ve got a bone to pick with some mountain bikers.

know that suggesting that someone on two wheels might be wrong about something can be an efficient way of getting yourself into a whole pannier-full of trouble.

I should also make it clear that there are many very good, safe, conscientious and polite riders of bicycles out there. I even count some of them as my friends, even though I haven’t sat upon an impossibly uncomfortable saddle myself in over a decade.

The problem is those peddlers who seem to believe that, because they are saving the planet, or horribly exposed to injury, whatever they do on two wheels they are completely in the right at all times. Skipped a traffic light and nearly got hit by a car? Car driver’s fault.

Going so fast down the outside of traffic that they have no hope of stopping in the event of someone turning out of a side junction who couldn’t see them, then banging on the driver’s car and swearing at them when they bounce off the side? Car driver’s fault. (And I’ve seen that one happen.)

Then there are the off-roaders, some of who seem to believe that because they’re riding their £1000+ carbon fibre work of art and have all the gear, they have a divine right to pedal anywhere they choose.

I came across some of these ones recently, on my weekend walk up Arnside Knott. They’d just gone through a gate (clearly marked with a no cycling symbol) and were off up a steep bit in their pursuit of a sweaty high.

Had I been closer, braver and quick-witted, I could have whipped my phone out and taken a picture of them. Should they have asked me why I was doing so, I could have advised them they had a choice – turn around and walk their bikes back the way they’d just come, or I’d post the picture on social media.

Sorry mountain biketeers; I don’t want you churning up the beautiful environment, damaging the plants and scaring the wildlife. If you disagree with the rules, lobby against them. What you’re doing is like saying you oppose the no smoking regulations by lighting up in a hospital.

I suspect though that this wasn’t a protest, just a supreme arrogance that made them believe it was OK to ride roughshod over the regulations of an Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty. If they thought about it at all.

All I need now is to find out they own dogs, collect the pooch poo in a bag, then leave it hanging in a tree, or are lobbying for a 20mph limit outside their kids’s schools whilst driving an excessively large 4x4 (with the fog lights on all the time) at well over the speed limit everywhere else.

Someone needs to stand up to these two-wheeled twonks! Not that I’m looking to be a spokes-person.

I’m two tyred.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 20th of February 2015, where it has the word "Just" inserted in front of the "Get Knotted" for some reason. You can view the version used by the paper on their website here

Sadly, they missed the final line out, which I thought was actually a fine pun, but there you go. In a nice not-seen-before feature, the version on their website also included a link to the previous week's one.

Regrettably, whilst I can compose a witty and pithy put-down in written form, on the spot verbal versions elude me, so had I been close enough to express my irritation to the mounty-bikists, it would have probably gone more like this:

"Excuse me - you aren't allowed to ride bikes here!"

"Yeah? Why?"

"Er... there's a sign."

"Screw you."

".... um...."

(Cyclists exit upwards, chuckling at the beardy loser with an inability to speak.)

As comments on articles are almost as rare as rocking horse poo (and nice ones even rarer), I was delighted to received the following for the "TV is all ears" column last week:

"Brilliant article had me in stitches while scaring the living daylights out of me. FYI I'm using an alias just in case my monitor is in on the act!"

Posted by SkoenLapper

Thanks, SkoenLapper - made my week that did.

(Cassette nightmare! Office player seems to be running slow and fluttery this last week. Hoping it's a particular batch of tapes from the end of '99, and not the impending demise of the unit. It's making Queen +'s Greatest Hits III sound decidedly weird...)

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