There's not enough Royal Baby news these days

Wasn’t Kate Middleton/Windsor pregnant at some point?

Shouldn’t she be due about now? Why haven’t we heard anything?

I’m pretty sure it was around nine months ago that we were given the news that the Heir to the throne and his Mrs were expecting the Heir’s Heir. I was naturally assuming that we would see something on the news when the Heir’s Heir’s here.

But there’s hasn’t been a peep. Nothing in the papers, nothing on TV. It’s really very disappointing. I would have thought that the press would have exhausted the nation’s supply of step ladders by now, so that they could hang around for weeks outside a hospital, in the hope of being able to take a picture of some minor Royalty, or a nurse. Or even a slightly annoyed Corgi, having a fag outside the back door, by the bins.

Seems I was wrong. As for the TV coverage I was expecting – hah! Nothing there either. Let’s face it, we all badly need the BBC’s Nicholas Witchell on our TV screens much more, telling us that there’s precisely nothing going on, wherever he happens to be. And just to prove it, here are some pictures of some more TV journos doing the same. Now back to you in the studio, Huw.

If I got my timings right, we should be neck-deep in special souvenir issues of all the national papers, celebrating the joyous news, plus countless magazines discussing how Kate will lose the baby weight, before the child has even drawn its first breath. Nothing.

I guess all we can hope for is that, if there actually is a baby on the horizon, the royal family try and jazz it up a bit to stir up some media interest. Maybe get a town crier to shout about it outside a hospital. Or get an old picture frame, type some stuff about the weight of the little ‘un on it in archaic language, and stick it on an easel outside Buck House.

Mind you, Kate & William will probably just walk straight out of the front door of the hospital at this rate, without anyone even noticing. Just another set of proud parents, taking their newborn home for the first time.

Seems a shame really. We’ve hardly had anything good happen this year. Not even any hot, sunny weather to cheer us up, or any sporting success. Missed opportunity I reckon.

Let’s hope it’s a boy, then Charles and Wills can send our Christmas cards with “We three kings” on the front. Unless I’ve got it all wrong, and it was someone else having a baby. Maybe if I search on the internet, I might find something (assuming Dave’s internet safety scheme doesn’t have me automatically arrested for searching for “Baby Heir”).

In keeping with Charles’ green ethos, I think Wyn d’Farm Windsor sounds great, if they’re looking for names. Georgina would be nice for a girl. Shame there isn’t a version of that for boys, though.

Or King. “King King” has a nice ring to it. But only if it’s a boy.

Otherwise it would be silly.

This post first appeared as my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail, on the 26th of July 2013, where it was retitled "Anyone heard any Royal Baby news?" You can read the version used by the paper here

One line was removed - the one about a corgi having a fag by the bins. I know. I've no idea either, but I did have to hastily add the line out Georgina being a good name, as the Royals unhelpfully announced the lad was to be called George, just as I was about to email the column to the paper. It was therefore a bit over-length, so the line may have been scrubbed to make it fit.

Bit of a recover day for me today. I did a spectacular, comedic, prat-fall whilst out walking yesterday. One moment I was placing my foot on some wet rocks, the next I was on top of said rocks, having slammed down on them at a velocity that Concorde would have been impressed by. An awkward half-mile limp home, with a very sore thigh and hand, followed. Add in that I got seriously rained on, without the benefit of any waterproofs, and it's easy to see why it wasn't my favourite walk ever.

(Calming the bruises with a bit of Vangelis, whilst avoiding the F1 result until I can watch it on the BBC in highlight form later.)

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