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Dear tourists...

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Brace yourselves.

Tourists are starting to appear in increasing numbers, bringing with them lovely tourist cash, and a pile of irritations.

On the off-chance that any of them take the slightest bit of interest in what’s happening within the local area they are parking badly in, I thought I’d offer a selection of handy advice, to help them have a pleasant stay in our beautiful area, without any of us having to kill them and bury them under the patio. Again.

1) Seriously – your phone is OK. I know you haven’t got a signal, but tear your eyes away from it for a minute, and take a look at what’s here, right now. You might get a signal if you go somewhere large. I’m sure I got a signal in Kendal once.

2) Talking of phones, try just enjoying the majestic natural beauty of Cumbria, rather than taking a tiny photo of it, which you then filter to death so it looks like something from my parents’ photo album circa 1973. You won’t be able to tweet it anyway.

3) Just because there is a nice view, please remember that the normal rules of the road do still apply. The fact that you’re gawping at an interesting sheep, or are startled by a big bit of water, doesn’t mean you suddenly have right of way and can walk slowly across the road, then get all grumpy when someone trying to get home from work growls at you out of the window of their car. Do you do that at home? No. Stop it right now, or we will take it as a challenge, and see if we can run you over next time.

4) Yes, we are a little angry about the sunshine, in a weird way. We’ve been carefully cultivating the story about how it always rains here for years, and now you’re getting to see it when it’s nice. We’re not quite sure where it came from, either. Did you bring it with you?

5) It’s smashing that you’ve finally been able to bring your massive 4x4 to somewhere that actually does have rough surfaces, random obstacles in the roads, dirt, mud and steep inclines. These are called ‘Main Roads’ here. Please remember that some of us aren’t on holiday, and do have to get somewhere at a certain time. You driving at 25mph and pointing at things to your companions does get us irritated, yes. Well spotted.

6) Scottish bank notes are legal tender here. I know we aren’t in Scotland, but we are fairly close, and as they aren’t yet independent, and the wall hasn’t been electrified, some of them do come here and bring their ‘funny money’ with them. Surprisingly, it does work the same way, and we don’t mind.

Before you say anything, I am indeed a hideous hypocrite, as I used to come to the Lake District on holiday, and probably did all the preceding 6 things. After 7 years, I may be up for parole soon. I think I’ve gone native.

Welcome to Cumbria!

This post first appeared in my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column in the North West Evening Mail on the 19th of July 2013, where it was retitled "Handy guide will help tourists fit in". You can view it here

The column seemingly went in complete again, which makes it two weeks in a row. Either I'm starting to get good at this, or it was just too hot at the NWEM offices and they were all huddled around a fan trying to keep cool.

Apologies for the delay in getting the column up here - I was down South, catching up with friends and family and attending a family wedding. And going to a ladies hairdressers. There was enough material there to write a book, never mind a newspaper column...

(Musical entertainment on this unpleasantly hot and humid day is Midge Ure's "Live" album. Typical. Bit of warm weather, and out come the Midges.)
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