Where has my specs appeals gone?

When you need glasses for stuff in the distance and for reading, you know you’re getting old.

I therefore declare myself ‘ancient’. I should probably have ‘Listed’ status.

It’s been an interesting month, during which I’ve been both youthful and elderly. The younger me saw the new Star Trek film and got irrationally excited (I was wearing my Captain’s socks at the time). The older me had yet another birthday, went to the opticians, and had depressingly confirmed what I already suspected; I need more than just my regular distance glasses, I need some for close-up stuff too.

Apart from my wedding ring, there’s nothing I wear more than my specs (unless a casual air of sarcasm with occasional notes of disdain and an underlying accent of discontentment is counted, obviously). I’ve had many over the years, and shocking photographic evidence exists: The gold framed, round, ‘Lennon’ specs; the gigantic plastic ‘Oh look, it’s the bloke out of 80s pop one hit wonder The Buggles’ style; the thin-wired, narrow, European ones; and currently (and visible in my mug-shot above) the ‘Media Nerd’ bold statement look. The latter has served me well, and even made some people think I was actually OK at my job in a marketing department, rather than a bemused simpleton with an unhealthy Twitter obsession.

But now I need frames that can withstand the latest ultra thin, varifocal, anti-glare, UV protecting, probably-washes-the-dishes-and-picks-up-Radio2, lenses I need to stop me squinting all the time, or randomly moving objects forwards and backwards in front of my head to see if I can focus on them. I need to stop doing that with babies – it upsets people.

And that’s the tricky part – this will be my ‘look’, probably for several years or more, assuming my eyesight doesn’t accelerate in its decline, like the rest of me (see previous columns on dodgy back, wonky foot etc. for the demoralising evidence). So this really matters, not least because it also happens to be breathtakingly expensive.

So, should I go conservative, and get a sensible, intellectual, pair of specs – nothing too flashy? Or will I look like every other old person, shuffling towards retirement and complaining about the price of a hot drink (“I just want a milky coffee dear, not one of those latte things!”)?

Or try and be a bit of a hipster? Something bold, modern, possibly brightly coloured, that really makes a statement. And hope that the statement isn’t “I got these glasses, but I now realise I look a bit like Timmy Mallet has melted a bit”.

Can I navigate the minefield of choice, and emerge unscathed, wearing something that doesn’t make me look old and out of touch, or have friends and colleagues thinking I should really start acting my age and stop trying to be ‘down wiv da kidz’?

I’m collecting my new bin-lids tomorrow. Will they be awesome, or awful? I’m not sure I’ll be able to see it myself... which was exactly the problem in the first place.

This column first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening mail on the 24th of May 2013, where it got a slight retitling of "Where has my specs appeal vanished to?"

You can view the edited version used by the paper here It had 26 words removed, including the line about moving babies backwards and forwards. It was my favourite too.

This is, of course, the column that was meant to have gone in last week, but due to an administrative error (the error being that I am an arse) it got a slight tweak, and was submitted this week instead.

The aforementioned spectacles have now arrived, and I'm trying to get used to them, which involves me moving my head slowly around a lot, like some sort of hopeless robot impersonator, whilst looking vaguely perplexed. I'm currently in the 'Oh God, have I made a terrible mistake' phase, mixed in with a spot of the more standard 'I do believe I have made a hideous error of style-based judgement, and now I look like a budget store Clark Kent' trauma. Hopefully, both will pass soon...

(Better late than never... I'm listening to the 'Music for the Opening Ceremony of the London 2012 Olympic Games' CD, which arrived this week. It's really rather splendid. Mike Oldfield goes Jazz? Nice. 15 minute Underworld thingamajig? Awesome.)

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