Jupiter rising... or something

Astrology is officially bunkum.

I know this to be true, as I read it in my stars this morning. (If you’re now thinking about Prof. Brian Cox, buy a dictionary.)

At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what they meant when they said “You question your beliefs today, as Pluto comes into alignment with a box containing that bit of lasagna you put in the freezer in 2010”. Something like that, anyway.

And that’s the problem. They’re suitably vague: “Financial matters will attract your attention today, and friendships will be tested.” Wow – that’s so true! I need to go to the bank today to pay in that cheque from my mate Dave, after I correctly proved that you can get 6 digestives in your mouth at the same time and not die (although it was a close thing, and you don’t usually need to Hoover the top of bookcases.)

Strangely, people I actually think are intelligent, rational human beings do come out with manifestly absurd statements like “Oh, he’s a Leo! That’s why I don’t get on with him!” Really? Because he was born within a timeframe of roughly 30 days, that doesn’t line up with calendar months? Do you hate the other 1/12^th of the world’s population of the same star sign too? Why not just hate anyone who was born in, say, December? (Actually, hold that one – they do tend to get brought one big joint Birthday/Christmas present, meaning they get something cool like an Atari games console, when I only got Top Trumps German Cars and some Plasticine. Uh-oh. Is my sibling pressies complex flaring up again?)

No, there’s a much better way of determining your potential – just look at what was number 1 in the Singles and Album charts on the day you were born. It’ll tell you all you need to know about that person.

Allow me to explain: Queen’s “A Night At The Opera” was top of the charts on the day you made you noisy entry into the world? You are, without doubt, a refined and cultured person, with a flamboyant streak and a fondness for marzipan. Bucks Fizz were ripping skirts off and squawking “Making Your Mind Up” when you popped out? You’re outgoing, like citrus fruit (but not limes), your favourite colour is mauve, and your favourite bit of a fridge is the 2^nd shelf. But only on Tuesdays.

Clearly, the cooler the artistes, songs, or albums, the better a person you are. Go on – look it up if you don’t know. It’ll be a revelation for you, your friends and your family. Maybe not a good one, but hey – pop is fickle. Just not as fickle as planets.

As it turns out, I got Sandie Shaw’s “Puppet On A String” and “More Of The Monkees”. If I’d been able to hang on a bit, it would have been “Sgt. Pepper’s” or the soundtrack from “The Sound Of Music”... D’oh. And possible Ray, Me, Far, Sew, La, Tea and... you get the idea.

Have a good, definitely not astrologically pre-determined, weekend.

If you can.

This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 8th June 2012. This is the unedited version - you can view the printed/online version here: where it was retitled 'Records are better signs of character' by their sub-editors, continuing their theme of spoiling the surprise before you get to it. It'd be grand to see some comments, so please go there and leave one. A nice one, if you like. Or a bad one. It's a democracy, after all.)

(As you may have noticed, I'm on the letter 'J' in my CD collection. Tonight it's the turn of Jean Michel Jarre's 'Jarremix' album from 1995. Fun-kay!)

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