Jupiter rising... or something

Astrology is officially bunkum.

I know this to be true, as I read it in my stars this morning. (If you’re now thinking about Prof. Brian Cox, buy a dictionary.)

At least, I’m pretty sure that’s what they meant when they said “You question your beliefs today, as Pluto comes into alignment with a box containing that bit of lasagna you put in the freezer in 2010”. Something like that, anyway.

And that’s the problem. They’re suitably vague: “Financial matters will attract your attention today, and friendships will be tested.” Wow – that’s so true! I need to go to the bank today to pay in that cheque from my mate Dave, after I correctly proved that you can get 6 digestives in your mouth at the same time and not die (although it was a close thing, and you don’t usually need to Hoover the top of bookcases.)

Strangely, people I actually think are intelligent, rational human beings do come out with manifestly absurd statements like “Oh, he’s a Leo! That’s why I don’t get on with him!” Really? Because he was born within a timeframe of roughly 30 days, that doesn’t line up with calendar months? Do you hate the other 1/12^th of the world’s population of the same star sign too? Why not just hate anyone who was born in, say, December? (Actually, hold that one – they do tend to get brought one big joint Birthday/Christmas present, meaning they get something cool like an Atari games console, when I only got Top Trumps German Cars and some Plasticine. Uh-oh. Is my sibling pressies complex flaring up again?)

No, there’s a much better way of determining your potential – just look at what was number 1 in the Singles and Album charts on the day you were born. It’ll tell you all you need to know about that person.

Allow me to explain: Queen’s “A Night At The Opera” was top of the charts on the day you made you noisy entry into the world? You are, without doubt, a refined and cultured person, with a flamboyant streak and a fondness for marzipan. Bucks Fizz were ripping skirts off and squawking “Making Your Mind Up” when you popped out? You’re outgoing, like citrus fruit (but not limes), your favourite colour is mauve, and your favourite bit of a fridge is the 2^nd shelf. But only on Tuesdays.

Clearly, the cooler the artistes, songs, or albums, the better a person you are. Go on – look it up if you don’t know. It’ll be a revelation for you, your friends and your family. Maybe not a good one, but hey – pop is fickle. Just not as fickle as planets.

As it turns out, I got Sandie Shaw’s “Puppet On A String” and “More Of The Monkees”. If I’d been able to hang on a bit, it would have been “Sgt. Pepper’s” or the soundtrack from “The Sound Of Music”... D’oh. And possible Ray, Me, Far, Sew, La, Tea and... you get the idea.

Have a good, definitely not astrologically pre-determined, weekend.

If you can.

This post first appeared in my 'Thank grumpy it's Friday' column in the North West Evening Mail on Friday 8th June 2012. This is the unedited version - you can view the printed/online version here: where it was retitled 'Records are better signs of character' by their sub-editors, continuing their theme of spoiling the surprise before you get to it. It'd be grand to see some comments, so please go there and leave one. A nice one, if you like. Or a bad one. It's a democracy, after all.)

(As you may have noticed, I'm on the letter 'J' in my CD collection. Tonight it's the turn of Jean Michel Jarre's 'Jarremix' album from 1995. Fun-kay!)

Making an exhibition of yourself

Now and again, it’s good to reaffirm that you’re a (relatively) normal human being. One excellent way of doing this is to go to a business exhibition. Despite what you might have surmised from reading my previous columns, I am employable, and even capable of acting like a regular person most of the time, even joining in the Monday morning conversation about the weather over the weekend, and why (insert name of footyballs manager here) should be fired immediately. The mug! True, there are times, often involving a caffeine deficiency, where it is like having the distilled essence of ten moody teenagers in the room, but I try and get that out of the way when people I genuinely like aren’t around to see it. As part of my ongoing experiment with what others call ‘working’, my ‘job’ involves me occasionally needing to go and see what some of my colleagues get up to outside the office, and what our competitors do to try and make sure that they do whatever my colleagues do better than ...

"It's all gone quiet..." said Roobarb

If, like me, you grew up (and I’m aware of the irony in that) in the ‘70s, February was a tough month, with the sad news that Richard Briers and Bob Godfrey had died. Briers had a distinguished acting career and is, quite rightly, fondly remembered most for his character in ‘The Good Life’. Amongst his many roles, both serious and comedic, he also lent his voice to a startling bit of animation that burst it’s wobbly way on to our wooden-box-surrounded screens in 1974. The 1970s seemed to be largely hued in varying shades of beige, with hints of mustard yellow and burnt orange, and colour TV was a relatively new experience still, so the animated adventures of a daft dog and caustic cat who were the shades of dayglo green and pink normally reserved for highlighter pens, must have been a bit of a shock to the eyes at the time. It caused mine to open very wide indeed. Roobarb was written by Grange Calveley, and brought vividly into life by Godfrey, whose strange, shaky-looking sty...

Suffering from natural obsolescence

You know you’re getting old when it dawns on you that you’re outliving technological breakthroughs. You know the sort of thing – something revolutionary, that heralds a seismic shift it the way the modern world operates. Clever, time-saving, breathtaking and life-changing (and featuring a circuit board). It’s the future, baby! Until it isn’t any more. I got to pondering this when we laughed heartily in the office about someone asking if our camcorder used “tape”. Tape? Get with the times, Daddy-o! If it ain’t digital then for-get-it! I then attempted to explain to an impossibly young colleague that video tape in a camcorder was indeed once a “thing”, requiring the carrying of something the size of a briefcase around on your shoulder, containing batteries normally reserved for a bus, and a start-up time from pressing ‘Record’ so lengthy, couples were already getting divorced by the time it was ready to record them saying “I do”. After explaining what tape was, I realised I’d ...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog