Trains last time, and now cars? I seem to be on a random assault of transport modes. I haven’t even got to cyclists yet (largely because of my Lycraphobia and the restraining order), but they’re (mostly) fitter than me, so hurling abuse at them is not recommended, as they can catch me up pretty quickly... when they aren’t weaving in and out of traffic, ignoring red lights and frightening children with unseemly bulges.
Oops. Did I just offend cyclists? Sorry, MAMILS (Middle-Aged
Men In Lycra). I’m just seeing how many different groups of people I can
irritate before the NW Evening Mail decide I’m a liability and disconn
Ha. Had you worried.
When I learnt to drive, way back in the mists of time (but
it could have been the smog of Reading, Berkshire), my strangely-moustachioed
driving instructor, Des, taught me all
about Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre.
It looks a lot like I was the only one, judging by what I
have to contend with on my daily commute from Arnside to Ambleside (I like to
keep my journeys alphabetical).
I know there are a lot of lovely tourists driving about, who
maybe don’t know the roads, or plugged their pratnav in upside down, or who
just want to enjoy the view, but at 8.00am on a weekday? In February? Come on –
some of these nutters must be natives!
So what exactly IS so difficult about taking a quick glance
in one of your mirrors (you’ve mostly got 3 anyway... unless you went a bit
close to the dry stone walls again) so take your pick. Once you’ve spotted me
behind you – at a respectable distance, naturally – and admired my lovely
Mitsubishi Colt in a heart-meltingly gorgeous greyish-blue colour-scheme with a
scruffy looking git in a wooly hat behind the wheel... hello!... why don’t you
let me know what you’re going to do?
See those stick things poking out wither side of the
steering wheel? Try moving them up or down. Good. Now you windscreen is clean,
try the other one. Ooo! Twinkly lights on the dashboard! There are twinkly
orange lights on the outside of the car too! (You’ll have to trust me on that
though.) If you practice this a bit, you’ll realise that these let me know if
you’re intending to turn left, right, or maybe pull in somewhere for a nice
Little Chef cuppa (but not an Ings. Sorry.) That way I can prepare myself. For
your manoeuvre. Not make up and stuff. Cough.
Fun this, isn’t it? Now, having done all that, you can lift
of the accelerator, or put the brakes on a bit (just a bit mind – don’t stamp
on the pedal like it’s on fire... unless it is on fire. In which case you’ve
got bigger problems than driving etiquette) and get on with your change of
direction, stopping, or attempting to avoid a cyclist. Again.
There now. That was easy wasn’t it? No?
Did you even take a driving test...?!
(Huge thanks to the very lovely people who have left
messages on my blog, and to all of you who’ve visited and helped me stay in the
competition so far. I won’t hear a bad word said against you. So I’ve purchased
some ear plugs. Love you!)
This blog post appeared yesterday as an entry in the North West Evening Mail's "Big Blogger" competition. Do me a favour - click on this link to view it on their website, please? Thanks to clicks, I made it through to the main contest and the final 10. One gets eliminated each week. Eep.
(You join me on a quest through the bonus CD with Queen's "The Game" album 2011 remaster. Exciting! *bounces up and down in chair*)
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