Welcome to 2015!
Don’t worry – no-one can legally make you eat a sprout again for another 11 and a half months.I hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Year and that those you love managed to stay the right side of a lethal dose of chocolate.
Ours was up and down; The microwave blew up (if ‘microwave years’ are like ‘dog years’ it was 168) and the curtains fell down, taking the pole out of the wall in the process; possibly due to the metric ton of cold-insulating lining.
As you’ll have probably had enough of repeats on the TV, followed by repeats of the Christmas Specials before 2014 had staggered to it’s end, here’s the other part of the compilation of entirely new bits, left out of columns last year, to keep you entertained until something better comes along.
No, thank me later – I accept all forms of credit card, but I prefer cash.
July: I’ve seen photos used on new identity cards by vain colleagues that are clearly so old, I half expect to see a TV in the background showing the moon landings, with ‘Live’ in the corner.
August: Whilst watching the news, I’ve come to the conclusion that, for some of my fellow countrymen, if brains were teeth they’d be sucking their lunch through a straw... once they’d worked out which end to use and stopped nibbling it in the middle.
September: When did manufacturers stop making comfortable underpantage? I’ve just purchased some new boxers and they feel like they were made by someone with a grudge against men. I’ve not had any comfy downstairs garments since the ‘90s (or ‘the last time I purchased underwear’, as it’s also known).
October: Apparently there will be a new £1 coin in 2017. Whoa there, speedy! I’ve only just got used to it being a coin, rather than paper! Why can’t they just wait until all us older people have died?
November: Almost time for the non-stop ‘Weather Warnings’ from the Met Office. How did we cope before any dodgy weather got a colour-coded, terror-inducing, alert? Oh, that’s right – we watched the weather forecast and made startling deductions for ourselves like “Snow? Wow – might be a bit tricky on the roads” or “Windy? Maybe I won’t go out for drive in my very high-sided and completely empty lorry”.
December: These legal proceedings have taken so long, I have a back-to front QWERTY imprinted on my temple from banging my head on the keyboard in frustration on a daily basis. I probably ought to sue for a new keyboard, too.
And there we have it. Just like the seemingly never-ending supply of cheese in the fridge you purchased mid-December, everything has been used up, with only a moderate dose of feeling sick.
I hope the year treats you well. Should it fail to do so, let me know and I’ll have damn good grumble about it on your behalf.
This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in the North West Evening Mail, on the 2nd of January 2015.
It seems to have been used in it's entirety, including the title, and actually made it to the website as well - you can view it here
Currently pondering the fact that I'll be back in the office on Monday. Despite being off for a week and a half, I can't really pinpoint anything specific that got done, with the possible exceptions of consuming a swimming-pool's worth of cappuccino, and putting on about 4lbs from lazing around on the sofa eating chocolate.
Still, I've got a whole year to recover from that, unless the Lotto numbers come up tonight, it which case I suspect death by caffeine/chocolate overdose will have occurred by about June. Nice.
(New year, old tech. Listening to a cassette of Oasis' "Be Here Now, recorded in 1997.)
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