Skip to main content

The space junk car-tasrophe

Image
By
Oi! You can't park here!

It would appear that the human race has reached peak stupid. 

No longer content with dumping our unwanted junk all around the planet we call home, we’re now firing it in to space and littering new parts of the solar system we haven’t previously made a gigantic mess of.

Whilst many people are in awe that Elon Musk, the man behind Tesla and CEO of SpaceX, has launched a car towards Mars, you do have to wonder what sort of message we’re sending out in to the cosmos.

Musk decided to fire monster rocket, Falcon Heavy, with his cherry red Tesla car as a payload, to test the capabilities of the new design. That he was only 50-50 on the chances of it working is alarming enough, when you consider the vast sums of money and energy involved.

Even more disturbing for any ‘little green men’ his motor should happen to encounter on it’s whimsical journey, there’s a an astronaut dummy at the wheel, the stereo is cranking out David Bowie’s “Life on Mars” on loop, and Douglas Adams’ legendary “Don’t Panic” from The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy is emblazoned on the dashboard.

Three things could happen here: The aliens decide we’re inherently unstable, and give us a wide berth; They conclude anyone that stupid must also be very dangerous and destroy us with lasers; Mankind gets a large insurance claim after hitting their flying saucer and giving them whiplash.

Space needs some new signage. How about “No sky tipping”?

This post first appeared as the second piece in my column/page in The Mail and the News & Star, on the 9th of February 2018, where it as re-titled as "Idiocy firing on all cylinders", which is rather good.

(CD A-Z: Midge Ure - "10")
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A very modern malady

By
Hello. I’m Doctor Grenville, and I’m here today to talk to you about SSS – or “Sad Selfie Syndrome”, to give it it’s full medical name. I’m a fully qualified medical doctor thing – I’ve got a PhD from Queens University Academy College Kendal (or “QUACK” for short) to prove it. That means it’s OK for me to talk to you about a very sensitive subject today and stroke your knee. Soothing, no? In my many years of medicinalising practice, I’ve come across some terrible afflictions. I’ve seen Achey Breaky Heart, Kneesles (where you get an itchy rash on your kneecaps) and even a very rare case of the Mercedes Benz. But recently I started seeing shocking images, on social media, graphically showing the devastating results of SSS. If you haven’t heard of it before, you’ve almost certainly seen pictures of what happens to the victims, who are mostly under the age of 30. We’ve already come to understand the irrational, overwhelming need for some amongst this group to photograph everythin...
Post a Comment
Read more

Faking it for real

By
As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...
Post a Comment
Read more

Fantasy Formula 1 - Hungary Results

By
Sometimes there's a wonderful "huh?" moment in F1. Today's was when the lights didn't go to red at the start, but flashed green and yellow. I'm sure all the drivers are briefed, and everyone knows the drill, but they all just sat there - no-one wanted to be the first to move. In the most high-tech sport in the world, it took Charlie Whiting waving at them to make them go. To be honest, it wasn't the most thrilling of races, but Happy Hamilton "The slow boys won't get out of my way! It's not fair! Boohoohooo - I'm telling Charlie!" winning does mean the front end of the points table still looks deliciously tight. What we really need now, as the excitement level ramps up, is.... to take 5 weeks off. Dammit. Still, to keep you occupied, I want you to memorise the points you all scored today. It's easy to remember mine. I came last... RACE RESULT Position Name Point...
Post a Comment
Read more