Toilet app – flushed with success

Fancy an investment? A toilet-related problem at work has given me a brilliant idea for an app...

The current lack of conveniences available for use in our offices is, well – inconvenient. Due to some underground pump-relating thingies failing (I’m very technically-minded, as you can see) we currently have to walk to different buildings several minutes away to spend pennies. Or other amounts of coinage.

We have options, which means I’ve visited a fair few lavatories I’ve never been to before. Some were good, some were bad. Some had very good things, but were let down in other ways. Sharing my in-depth report on my visits with strangely underwhelmed colleagues, I realised there was a money-making opportunity here – a loo rating app for you phone.

Why go through the misery of not knowing if a toilet is going to be nice, when you can open your phone and let the app show you ratings for your nearest available bogs? I had come up with a name, based on the popular “TripAdvisor”, but that’s unprintable, so we’ll go with “PooBer” instead.

Star ratings for loos are provided by users on cleanliness, privacy, temperature, layout, availability of hot water, and ambience, to provide an additional overall score.

If you think I’m round the u-bend, consider this: PooBer will allow you to make an informed choice about where you go to go. You can vote with your bottom, meaning establishments that fall below standard need to get to the seat of the problem and improve, or lose business.

Here are a few extracts from my trial version (admittedly, all by me):

“Privacy: 1 star. I’m not sure what the walls were made of, but it may actually have been paper. I’m pretty sure I could hear someone in the next cubicle’s heart beating. Take your headphones.”

“Layout: 2 stars. Why is the hand-dryer above the loo roll holder? It’s hard to get a grip on the tissue when it flaps about in the wind every time you go near it. There was space above the sink, people!”

“Temperature: 5 stars. An actual radiator in the cubicle. Even the seat was pleasantly warmed. Would visit again. Recommended. Happy buns.”

“Ambience: 2 stars. Is this what it’s like in prison? Breeze block construction, painted in faded mental institution green. Tired, battered and worn out. The toilet, not me. Avoid, unless you want to be depressed.”

“Cleanliness: 3 stars. I wouldn’t eat lunch there, but I don’t think I’m about to die from something I caught whilst visiting. Although I did just sneeze. Can you catch a cold from a grimy soap dispenser?”

“Hot water: 2 stars. Cold. Like rubbing you hands on a glacier. Then warmish, lulling you into a false sense of calm that everything will be OK, then instantly hot like you’ve just inadvertently put your hand in a microwave lasagne that’s you’ve overcooked to be on the safe side.”

Invest now, and wait for the cash to pour in. I’m not pulling your chain.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in The Mail, on the 8th of December 2017. The version used on their website was re-titled as "Flushed with success by toilet app brainwave", whilst the print edition became "Get ready for a chain reaction".

I'm not proud of this, but the original name for my app idea was 'ShitAdvisor'. I know. I feel bad about it too. I expected more of myself.

(CD A-Z: A 10 CD box set of Tangerine Dream stuff. Currently on "Seven Letters From Tibet". Moody.)

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