And the Christmas Number One is...

Nice cheery song about... war...

Today’s the day! The Christmas number 1 is announced! Will it be Ed Sheeran?

The answer to that is – almost certainly, yes. Apart from his own single, he’s up against veteran purveyor of rap, Eminem. Who just happens to be joined on his song by... Ed Sheeran.

True, there are a couple of possible late disruptors, but it looks like we’ll be having a ginger Christmas, and neither of the songs vying for the top spot are even of a Christmassy nature.

If you’re counting Christmas No.1’s as having to actually mention Christmas, then Ed, and Ed and Em, are not alone in being discounted – Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2”, whilst brilliant, is also one of the most miserable songs to try and have a jolly time too over the festive season. And it was 1979 too. Double depressing whammy. Sing along, Grandma! “We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control...”

The biggest worldwide seller is Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”, which has shifted a staggering 50 million copies. That’s a lot of glistening treetops and kids trying to hear sleighbells in the snow.

In the UK, Band Aid’s “Do They Know it’s Christmas” is the biggest seller, meaning Bono shouting “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!” has alarmed more than 3.8 million people, and countless more radio listeners, since it’s release in 1984.

TV personality Richard Osmon had been running his “World Cup of...” on Twitter for a few years now, pitching all manner of things from crisps to sitcoms against their direct rivals. His recent World Cup of Christmas Songs resulted in a tense final between “Fairytale of New York” by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl and Wham’s “Last Christmas”.

In a Brexitly-close result, Wham lost out to the Fairytale, which brings joy to millions each Christmas, and the opportunity to sing “You scumbag, you maggot, You cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it’s our last” loudly after an excess of sherry. Sing along, Grandma!

Personally, I’m struggling to choose between two classics. Wizzard’s “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” has just about everything you could want, mentioning Santa Claus and snowmen, children singing, a horn section and massively over the top production. Wonderful.

Then there’s the Oom-pah joy of Jona Lewie’s “Stop the Cavalry”, the anti-war song that mentions Christmas, but is otherwise fairly bereft of tinsel and snow. Considering it’s fun-free centre, it’s wrapped in a cracking layer of delicious tune and second-helpings-please instrumentation.

Tricky... I think I’ll go with Jona, if only because it allows me to repeat my favourite Christmas joke, by Sanjeev Kohli: Where does Jona Lewis do his Xmas shopping?

Debenebenhamnams Debenemenhams Debenhamnams Debenhams Debenemanhams.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and if anyone asks, the scruffy bloke in the newspaper said it was OK to have that extra mince pie. The whole chocolate-orange-in-one-go is your own responsibility, though.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in The Mail, on the 22nd of December 2017.

The version used on the paper's website was re-titled as "And my Christmas number one song is...", whilst the print edition became "And my Yuletide number one is..."

Still can't tell you about the 'big decision', as I'm waiting to hear from someone. About something. Although the decision has been made. I'm such a tease, aren't I?

Wishing you a very happy Christmas - you deserve it. You're smashing.

(CD A-Z: Roger Taylor's "Fun On Earth".)