And the Christmas Number One is...

Nice cheery song about... war...

Today’s the day! The Christmas number 1 is announced! Will it be Ed Sheeran?

The answer to that is – almost certainly, yes. Apart from his own single, he’s up against veteran purveyor of rap, Eminem. Who just happens to be joined on his song by... Ed Sheeran.

True, there are a couple of possible late disruptors, but it looks like we’ll be having a ginger Christmas, and neither of the songs vying for the top spot are even of a Christmassy nature.

If you’re counting Christmas No.1’s as having to actually mention Christmas, then Ed, and Ed and Em, are not alone in being discounted – Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall, Part 2”, whilst brilliant, is also one of the most miserable songs to try and have a jolly time too over the festive season. And it was 1979 too. Double depressing whammy. Sing along, Grandma! “We don’t need no education, we don’t need no thought control...”

The biggest worldwide seller is Bing Crosby’s “White Christmas”, which has shifted a staggering 50 million copies. That’s a lot of glistening treetops and kids trying to hear sleighbells in the snow.

In the UK, Band Aid’s “Do They Know it’s Christmas” is the biggest seller, meaning Bono shouting “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you!” has alarmed more than 3.8 million people, and countless more radio listeners, since it’s release in 1984.

TV personality Richard Osmon had been running his “World Cup of...” on Twitter for a few years now, pitching all manner of things from crisps to sitcoms against their direct rivals. His recent World Cup of Christmas Songs resulted in a tense final between “Fairytale of New York” by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl and Wham’s “Last Christmas”.

In a Brexitly-close result, Wham lost out to the Fairytale, which brings joy to millions each Christmas, and the opportunity to sing “You scumbag, you maggot, You cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it’s our last” loudly after an excess of sherry. Sing along, Grandma!

Personally, I’m struggling to choose between two classics. Wizzard’s “I Wish It Could Be Christmas Every Day” has just about everything you could want, mentioning Santa Claus and snowmen, children singing, a horn section and massively over the top production. Wonderful.

Then there’s the Oom-pah joy of Jona Lewie’s “Stop the Cavalry”, the anti-war song that mentions Christmas, but is otherwise fairly bereft of tinsel and snow. Considering it’s fun-free centre, it’s wrapped in a cracking layer of delicious tune and second-helpings-please instrumentation.

Tricky... I think I’ll go with Jona, if only because it allows me to repeat my favourite Christmas joke, by Sanjeev Kohli: Where does Jona Lewis do his Xmas shopping?

Debenebenhamnams Debenemenhams Debenhamnams Debenhams Debenemanhams.

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and if anyone asks, the scruffy bloke in the newspaper said it was OK to have that extra mince pie. The whole chocolate-orange-in-one-go is your own responsibility, though.

This post first appeared as my "Thank grumpy it's Friday" column, in The Mail, on the 22nd of December 2017.

The version used on the paper's website was re-titled as "And my Christmas number one song is...", whilst the print edition became "And my Yuletide number one is..."

Still can't tell you about the 'big decision', as I'm waiting to hear from someone. About something. Although the decision has been made. I'm such a tease, aren't I?

Wishing you a very happy Christmas - you deserve it. You're smashing.

(CD A-Z: Roger Taylor's "Fun On Earth".)

Malaysian Grand Prix - Vettel hot, but not bothered

Malaysia. It's always hot, and it always rains. Except the 2nd part is no longer true (unless you count the drizzly bit around lap 14). Saturday's qualifying session had highlighted the fact that Red Bull and McLaren seemed well matched on pace, but also that Ferrari were struggling. Whilst Vettel bagged another pole, followed by Hamilton, Webber and Button, Alonso was only 5th, and Massa 7th, with Nick Heidfeld an excellent 6th on the grid between the two red cars. At this point, I would like to break momentarily for a small rant: How many times do I have to say Heidfeld is good? Why wasn't he given a top drive years ago? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU BLIND!!!?? Ahem. The Hispanias somehow managed to a) turn up b) remember to bring cars c) get both of them on the track d) actually get both of them within 107%. Pretty remarkable really. Oh, and it didn't rain. Race day looked a more likely candidate for a drop of the wet stuff. The start was exciting, with...

Faking it for real

As Donald “I’m really great, everybody says so” Trump is so fond of pointing out, there is a lot of fake news around nowadays. Honest. Your friends at Facebook think so too, and have recently been publishing their top tips for spotting false news – by placing them as ads in newspapers. Considering they came in for considerable criticism themselves, that’s like shouting “Squirrel!” and pointing at a tree whilst you hastily kick away the prize begonias you just trampled. To help you make sense of this (and because I’m a caring person), I thought I’d run you through their suggestions and help to explain them for you. I know. I’m lovely. 1. Be sceptical of headlines READING THIS ARTICLE WILL IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE!!! And explain that catchy headlines, or stuff all in capitals might be a bit iffy. 2. Look closely at the URL You can find out more about this at www.wowyouregullible.com if you want to understand how phony web addresses are a sure sign of dodgyness. 3. Investigate...

Going Underground

The US presidential election and Brexit must have made me more nervous than I’d realised. It seems I’ve created an underground bunker without realising I was doing it. Still – we’ve all done that at some point, right? No? Ah... In that case, the fact that I have inadvertently turned my cellar into a rudimentary survival shelter, just in case it all kicks off, demonstrates a severe case of bunker mentality. Fretting about Donald and his wall, and Hillary and her emails, clearly made me more paranoid that I thought about the possibility of WW3 kicking off. Whilst attempting to find a specific size of imperial washer the other day (turns out I’d mis-filed it in the nut cabinet – Tsk!) I was struck by what a lot of jam and chutney we have in the cellar. And I do mean a LOT. There are boxes of boiled-up sugar and fruit and more boxes of boiled up vinegar and fruit. We’re still only part way through 2015’s output too. Then there’s the plastic containers holding pasta in various for...

grumpyf1

Search This Blog